We’re all human.   We’ve probably all felt the guilt and remorse after losing our cool with our aging parents, relatives or care recipients.

Aside from feeling badly, what can we actively do to make amends after we’ve blown up at them?  How do we begin to repair the relationship after a hurtful incident?

Making up may be hard, but not impossible, to do. Here are several steps to take:

1.  Have a cooling off period.  Let the dust settle before you engage them again.  It gives everyone involved time to gain some perspective on what the issues were that set off a disagreement.  This could mean several hours, days or even weeks depending upon your caregiving situation.

2.  Change your mode of contact.  If you visit regularly, you may want to simply touch base via phone a few times before another face-to-face visit.  Or ask a sibling, spouse or adult child to take a turn or two with the caregiving duties.  If you live with your care recipient, get away from home for a little while, provided they are safe to be alone for this period of time.

3.  Before you visit your Golden Oldies again, resolve to arrive with a pleasant attitude and open mind about talking over the issues that caused the argument.  Otherwise, it’s not time to visit them yet.  You may also want to role play with a friend or colleague the scenario before you go there, to figure out how to calmly discuss the issue(s) with them. It’s best not to involve another family member in your role playing, as they may have their own emotional bias on the topic.

What If You Start Losing Your Cool All Over Again?

When you re-establish contact and visit with the intention of making amends, be tuned in and aware of your own internal signals.  Are your Golden Oldies beginning to push your buttons?  Do you feel your stress level rising again?  If so, before the same argument starts over, it would be better to either leave or change the subject, rather than have it lead to another blow up!  Try to remain cool, calm and collected as the issues are being discussed.

At the very first sign things aren’t going well however,  either change the subject (“I think we all need to think about these ideas more.  Can we continue this discussion another day?”) or leave gracefully (“I have to pick up XYZ before dinner — can we continue this tomorrow?”).

Then repeat the steps given above, until you can control your reactions more effectively.

I also suggest that if you sense your aging parents are becoming upset again, it may be wise for you to bail.  You don’t have control over their emotional reactions, but you do not have to be subjected to any verbal abuse they may throw at you.  If the same issues are starting to upset them, just stop and let it go for the time being.

As I left my parents’ home after a visit, I would often ask myself, if this was our final goodbye, would I be happy with it?  I think parent-adult child relationships would be vastly improved if more family members asked this question of themselves.

Special Circumstances Apply

If your Golden Oldie has any type of memory loss,  dementia or Alzheimer’s disease you must always be the one to apologize.  This is due to the fact that they most likely

• won’t remember the blow up; and

• even if they do, they may not have the brain processing function to take the initiative to apologize

You must accept the blame when something’s wrong, even if it is a fantasy existing only in their minds.  It is the kindest thing to do under the circumstances.

What techniques have you used to make amends after a blow up with your Golden Oldies or care recipients?  Please leave your words of wisdom in the comments section below.

In a prior post I acknowledged that in our role as family caregivers, we’ve all  probably lost our patience with our aging parents or care recipients at some point. I also promised to share with you my own experience, so here goes.

I Never Lost My Patience (Part One of Two)

I was a long distance caregiver to my parents during the years my mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. It’s easy to keep your patience when you live three thousand miles away and the caregiving consists mainly of supportive phone calls and a few short visits a year.

About two years after her diagnosis, when my parents moved to an assisted living facility in my town, my mom was at the start of the middle stage of this horrible disease.  Through the excellent free resources of my local Alzheimer’s Association, I had educated myself via workshops and lots of reading about caregiving for dementia patients.  I was also attending a support group for adult children of Alzheimer’s patients on a regular basis which provided more insight and other people to share experiences with.

The knowledge I gained from the time my mom was diagnosed until the time she and my dad moved here armed me with an understanding and deep compassion for people struck by any memory-impairing disease.  And while I saw my parents multiple times a week once they lived nearby, I do not remember a single time when I lost patience and blew up at either one or them, face-to-face or by phone.  (I just checked with my husband and he couldn’t think of any incidences like that either.)

So How Did I Keep from Losing It?

OK, this was probably a wimpy way out (or at best, passive-aggressive behavior), but I would rely completely on my husband to interact with my parents for me when I needed some space as a caregiver.  As their only child, I was their sole source of emotional support, and I thought it could be extremely hurtful if I was nasty, mean or rude to them.  I truly didn’t want to hurt them in any way at this stage in their lives.

I did two things that stopped me from losing patience with my parents:

1.  I vented to my husband . . . a lot!  I would whine and complain whenever I felt the caregiving issues and duties were overwhelming me.  As an only child, one comment I often made was, “This is just too much for one person to handle!” (Of course, there are pros and cons about being a caregiver and an only child, but that’s another post.)

I must also point out, my parents were always very independent and considerate!  They never expressed a desire to live with my family and only did so for a few weeks when they were moving.  I always had our own home as my sanctuary to retreat to.  I don’t know how I would have managed had we all lived under the same  roof — which makes me sympathize even more with family caregivers who do accomplish this incredible feat with aplomb!

2.  I would have my husband “run interference” for me when I was reaching my caregiving breaking point.  Jeff is an absolutely extraordinary man, and I have to publicly thank him again for being such a vital part of my caregiving “village.”  There were times my father would call and I just couldn’t bear to deal with whatever question or problem they had.  Jeff would return the call and handle everything for me when I just couldn’t do it myself.

One particular incident really stands out in my mind.  I had just arrived at Disneyland to meet a group of friends (we’re locals and had an annual pass at the time) and spend the evening dancing to a favorite band playing there.  (As I’ve written here before, dance is one of my major ways to relieve stress!) My pager beeped and I saw it was my parents’ phone number.  I immediately called Jeff at home and he willingly returned my Dad’s phone call, explained I was gone for the evening, and helped them in my absence.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to turn around and leave the Happiest Place on Earth as soon as I had arrived.  I know how lucky I am to have had such a reliable and caring backup person on my caregiving team.

Do you have a family member, friend or neighbor you can ask to be your back up for those times you just need to have some time away from caregiving?  And don’t feel guilty arranging for this assistance!

I Never Lost my Patience . . . Yeah, Right (Part Two of Two)

Ironically, I would lose my patience on the telephone multiple times with my parents years before I ever became their family caregiver!

I moved out to California in my mid-20’s and we’d talk on the phone about once a week to catch up.  I would find myself very upset or angry with my parents by the end of many conversations.  I remember wishing they would just leave me alone and stop telling me what to do!

These negative emotions, along with some other issues, led me to get counseling for a few months to gain a better understanding of myself.  My therapist taught me a very important life lesson which I know helped me become a more patient caregiver when I took on that role.

The lesson was for me to change my perception of what they said.

It was to recognize that the words my parents were actually saying, which I perceived as criticism or telling me how to run my life, were only one surface layer. What I needed to learn and embrace 100% was the understanding that beneath whatever “negative” words I was hearing, what my parents were really saying to me was, “We love you!”

They cared about and loved me deeply.  They weren’t criticizing me; they were suggesting ways I could make my life even better.  It was all in my perception of the intent behind their words, not what their words were!  It was the unspoken message they were sending that I needed to focus on.

Once I learned this important lesson, it made all the difference in the world when communicating with them in a patient and loving manner, both long distance and while up close and personal.  And I think this basic understanding also kept me from losing patience with them when I later shouldered the responsibility and stress of caregiving.

True Confessions are now officially over.

In a future post, we’ll talk about practical ways we can smooth things over when we do blow our cool with our Golden Oldies.

Last week’s post about having patience with our aging parents (aka Golden Oldies), caused me to think about the exact opposite experience.  Despite our best efforts, each of us has probably lost our patience and blown up at our care recipients at one time or another, in some way or other.  We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.

My question to you is, “Then what?”

How did you handle repairing any hurt you may have caused by lashing out at someone you’re caring for and, most likely, care deeply about?  What steps did you take to make things right? What did you do or not do? How did they react?

It’s true confessions time.

I promise to share my story in next week’s post, but you go first in the comment section below. 

Slow down, you move too fast.

You got to make the morning last.

Just kicking down the cobble stones.

Looking for fun and feelin’ groovy.

~  Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel

Lately I’m more aware than ever of how fast our society moves, and how we are living at an ever-accelerating pace.  People want and expect instant action, access and/or results in so many realms of life!

We eat at fast food restaurants.  We buy ready-made food at the market.  We watch movies at home “on demand.”  We drive 70 mph on freeways and pay tolls electronically via “FastTrack” devices.  TV news broadcasts nearly always start with “Breaking News.”  At Disneyland, the “happiest place on earth,” we purchase a “Fast Pass” to avoid waiting in long lines.  Immediacy and speed define our world.

We can be reached by phone, whether home or away — and now even in foreign countries.  Cell phones allow us to be forever connected . . . and the people who are calling us are asking for a fast response back.   If they reach an answering machine at our home or office, instead of leaving a message, they’ll call our cell phone — if they even called our land line to begin with.   And if leaving a phone message won’t suffice,  they’ll then attempt to reach us by text, email, or Facebook chat — thanks to iPhones, Blackberries and other PDA’s.  Immediate connections rule.

I fear as a society we are losing an important character trait called “patience.”

In business the same frenetic rules apply.  People have learned many companies are reachable 24/7 thanks to the internet, and customers expect answers to their questions or problems as soon as possible. A business person recently told me they answer all customer queries within 24 hours — and this is in an industry that is not “life or death” by any means!

As these business owners stay in constant contact with their customers, they are thereby training these customers to expect instant replies from other businesses as well, and not to be satisfied if they don’t get them.  An ever-increasing cycle of higher expectations and faster responses grows.

How does all of this relate to being a family caregiver?

As caregivers we need to realize our aging parents (aka Golden Oldies) don’t live in a world ruled by this accelerated pace of life.  While they may use computers or cell phones (although many don’t), they aren’t tied to them, and the instant gratification gained by using technology, in the same way baby boomers, Gen X, Gen Y and the millenial generations are.

As family caregivers, we need to be mindful of this and adjust accordingly when caring for or even just visiting our aging parents.  We must embrace the character trait of patience when we’re with them, caring for them and during our interactions with them.  It is necessary to shift into a lower gear when entering their world.  It is unkind, and creates tension in our relationships with them, if we try to force them to function in our much faster moving world.

It really won’t be harmful to our health to slow down for a day, or even for just a few hours, when spending quality time with them.  Enjoy slipping into their world  — where you can still find phones with cords, analog clocks, an AM/FM radio and TV’s that are large boxes that don’t hang on the living room wall.  Shut your cell phone off for a few hours when you’re together and enjoy the peace it affords.

Don’t expect your aging parents to move at a fast pace, eat quickly, or even think as  fast as we have become accustomed to doing.  We need to s-l-o-w down and embrace the easier, more gentle pace they live in when we’re around them. It gives us caregivers time to “stop and smell the roses.”  Yes, the amount of time we spend with them is important, but also how we spend that time together also counts.

Nike’s “Just Do It” slogan doesn’t cut it by Golden Oldie standards.  For their generation this is what mattered:  taking the time to make a decision, weighing the options, figuring out the best, most efficient and probably the most economical way to accomplish something.  Despite the fast-paced lives we lead, a slow and deliberate approach is still a good alternative to just doing it.

“We say we waste time, but that is impossible. We waste ourselves.”

~ Alice Bloch

Embrace the opportunity to relax and decompress with your Golden Oldies — don’t  avoid it.  They give you the time and space to do so when you’re with them — they are experts at it, so learn from them.    It gives you time to re-charge your batteries before heading back out into the  ever-accelerating, fast-paced world we live in.

And whatever you do, don’t make them speed up — ain’t gonna happen! Meet them in their world, appreciate and honor it.

You must have been warned against letting the golden hours slip by; but some of them are golden only because we let them slip by.

~ James Matthew Barrie

I’d love to get your thoughts on having patience in the comment section below.  For starters, do you or don’t you?

Please watch at least the first two minutes of the following inspiring video.

The quality of the film isn’t super sharp, but the message is clear as a bell!

If you have trouble viewing the above, please click here.

When I dance, I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole.  That is why I dance.

~ Hans Bos

And if dancing isn’t your “thing,” what activity, interest or pastime in your life provides you with the utter joy and sense of accomplishment this Golden Oldie has found through dancing?  Once you’ve identified it, make time to indulge in whatever that activity is, both to simply pamper yourself and to forget about the stress and strains of everyday life for awhile.  You deserve it!!

P.S.  In researching this video, I’ve read reports that the woman is either in her 80’s or 90’s.  Her exact age doesn’t matter, as this proves that age is truly just a number.  She is young in heart and spirit, not to mention flexibility!

Please feel free to share whatever your diversion is in the comment section below.  Mine is also dancing — but a different kind called Lindy Hop or Swing Dancing.

“Music is part of being human.”

~ Oliver W. Sacks

To continue our celebration of and gratitude for all caregivers during National Family Caregivers Month 2009, TLeC is holding it’s very first contest!

• It is open to all caregivers, families employing caregivers, and/or eldercare professionals in the U.S.A.

• It starts November 16, 2009 and all entries must be received no later than 6pm PST on November 29, 2009.  The one (1) winner will be chosen at random and announced here on November 30, 2009. Prize will be shipped to the winner by TLeC.

• How to Enter:  Sign up for the TLeC Newsletter in the top right hand section of this page, under the blue headline “Get More Caregiving Tips from Tender Loving Eldercare!”  Type in your name and email address, click on the “Sign Me Up” button, and complete the one last step of clicking on the link in the confirmation email that will be delivered instantly to your inbox.  That final step is important — it both completes your newsletter sign up  and also enters you into the contest.  That’s all you have to do! Easy Peasy!

What Can You Win?

The prize is a wonderful DVD set called “Toe-Tapping Songs” created by Darlene Hamby, a music specialist in the eldercare field.  The set centers around a collection of 20 songs to sing along to.  They are all “feel good” tunes, and caregivers, seniors (or Golden Oldies as I like to call them) and their families will enjoy them. It consists of a DVD of a music session, with Darlene playing the piano and singing with senior citizens, and also includes six sing-along song books.  Inside the song books, you will find one page dedicated to each song containing the lyrics in LARGE PRINT and a photo to match the song’s theme.  It is packaged in a compact binder which is both easy to store and easy to travel with.

Darlene’s love of both music and Golden Oldies shines through as she sings and plays the piano on this DVD.  I’ve had the pleasure of participating in one of her live music sessions and I’m sure people of all ages will enjoy having their own sing-alongs with Darlene via this DVD.  This set can be used to create fun music sessions during family gatherings or in an assisted living facility’s activity program.  It will be a big hit over and over again in either setting!

Here is a preview of the prize:

DVD Sing-Along Music Set

Sample of a Song Page

Toe-Tapping Songs Table of Contents

So get your entries in now!  And please feel free to tell others about this contest in your caregiving world as well!  Thanks!

National Family Caregivers Month is about celebrating and showing our gratitude for family caregivers, both near and far. It is our chance to publicly or privately shine the spotlight on these wonderfully giving individuals.

Here is an excerpt from President Obama’s Proclamation about National Family Caregivers Month, 2009:

The true strength of the American family finds its roots in an unwavering commitment to care for one another. In difficult times, Americans come together to ensure our loved ones are comfortable and safe. Whether caring for a parent, relative, or child, our Nation’s caregivers selflessly devote their time and energy to the well-being of those they look after. During National Family Caregivers Month, we honor the individuals providing essential services to family members who could not otherwise look after themselves . . . . I encourage all Americans to pay tribute and support those who are caring for their family members, friends, and neighbors in need of assistance.

What You Can Do

If you know a caregiver, please take time to thank them for all they are doing for their care recipients(s).  And then take it a step further and ask what you can do for them — whether it be pampering them (manicure, pedicure, massage, hair salon appointment?), doing errands or chores for them, and or providing them with some needed time away (also known as respite) from their responsibilities to enjoy themselves in whatever way they so choose.

And what would be even better is to continue this practice all year round — not just this month.

Opportunities to Win Prizes for Caregivers this Month

TENA, an incontinence care company, asked me to announce its first “Caregivers Night Out” sweepstakes.

From October 19th to November 30th, 2009, caregivers from all over the nation can enter to win $100 to spend on an evening out at their favorite Olive Garden ® or Outback Steakhouse ® family of restaurants. Over forty winners from across the U.S. will be announced on November 30th.

To enter the contest caregivers should visit TENA’s site and share a tip or piece of advice about caregiving with others, which may be featured in future TENA email blasts or on their web site.  With over 54 years of experience, TENA is the worldwide leader in the management of incontinence, providing products and services for individuals and healthcare service providers in over 90 countries.

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If you are on Facebook there is another contest where you can win a prize for a special caregiver in your life!

Become a Facebook Fan of Care.com and write on their wall about your “Care Hero.”  By doing so you automatically enter your caregiver into their contest to win him or her a night out worth $500.

Care.com will select three Finalists each week in November.  Each Finalist will receive a $100 dining gift certificate and each Finalist’s nominator will receive a free 3-month membership to Care.com. (Editor’s Note: The first week’s Finalists have already been selected, so enter ASAP to enter for the remaining two weeks of judging.)

At the end of the month, Care.com will select one Grand Prize Winner from among the 12 Finalists. The Grand Prize Winner will receive:

• $500 in dining, entertainment, and hotel gift certificates

• A bag of goodies from Care.com

• The Grand Prize Winner’s nominator will receive a $100 dining gift certificate and a bag of goodies

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Forward this post on now to any caregivers you know or to the families of care recipients so they can enter the contests during National Family Caregivers Month.  Please let me know if you hear of other contests like these going on in November so I can let the TLeC community know about them, too.  Thank you!

Now that it’s November, the countdown to the holidays has officially begun.

While most of the world seems to be living on a holiday “high,” caregivers often struggle through this time of year with great, and often hidden, sadness in their hearts.

For family caregivers the holiday season can be both blessing and a curse.  A blessing because it provides opportunities for wonderful family gatherings and a curse because it provides opportunities for wonderful family gatherings.

Can you feel your stress level starting to rise already?

Meredith Bailey of MyCareCommunity.org interviewed me for an article about the stress caregivers may experience before and during the holidays.  We hope you find the coping strategies and ideas presented in it helpful.  You can read the article here.

Carol Bradley Bursack, author of “Minding our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories,” contributed to Bailey’s article, too.  Her book is available in the TLeC E-store, on Amazon.com, and in other bookstores.

Also please take time to explore MyCareCommunity.org.  It is an online community of caregivers and eldercare experts sharing advice, experiences, stories, tips and resources. It looks like a worthwhile place for caregivers to connect and learn.

As a caregiver do you have holiday coping strategies you’d like to share with us?  Please write them in the comment section below.  Thanks!

A couple of laughs from the male perspective this week.  Enjoy!

If you have trouble viewing this video, click here.

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Two old guys were chatting.

One said to the other, “My 85th birthday was yesterday.  The wife gave me an SUV.”

Other guy says, “Wow, that’s amazing!!  Imagine . . . an SUV!”

“Yup!  Socks, Underwear and Viagra.”

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A sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde-haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.  He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, “Why in the world are you walking around like this?”

The cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff . . . I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . . . so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants . . . so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts . . . so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, “Now go to town cowboy . . . .

And here I am.”

Son of a Gun.  Blonde men do exist!

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To everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!

These have got to be two of the funniest videos I’ve seen in 2009.

This one has had over 13 million views as of today!

If you have trouble viewing the video above, click here.

I have to admit when I watched this processional I had to wonder what any senior citizens (aka Golden Oldies) in attendance at this wedding were thinking.

Now another group of creative people have gone one step further by creating a video that takes place six months later . . . .

Simply hilarious!!

If you have trouble viewing the video above, click here.

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To everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!