Comments on: Tips for When Aging Parents Say Mean Things

By: Teresa

Teresa — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 17:42:33 +0000

This is so interesting! My mother lives with my daughter and for the most part, they seem to get along. However, whenever I visit them (in another state), conflict seems to arise out of nowhere. Sometimes I believe it’s a matter of my Mother wanting my attention and doesn’t want me to visit with the rest of the family.

My Mother says very mean and hurtful things and a lot times it comes out of blue. No one seems to know what she’s angry about and she’s not good at explaining the reasons…she just says that everyone knows why she’s upset. I’m her daughter and I have to admit, even I don’t always know what’s making her angry.

She is in her early 70′s….she won’t drive a car (she used to until one of her grandchildren (sister’s son) told her that she drove too slow and didn’t know what she was doing) and hasn’t since she’s been in her early 50′s. She won’t leave the house when people invite her to go shopping, out to eat, etc. Unless….I’m there. She always goes out when I visit.

My daughter and grandchildren tend to either ignore her or just let her rant and believe me, she can get pretty hateful and mean, sometimes. She’s always been considered the “favorite” Aunt and Sister in her family when she was younger.

She won’t stay in contact with her family and believes that no one cares about her. There are times, though when she’s so full of life and happiness…wanting to help everyone and be around others, but then, all of a sudden…she’s angry and doesn’t want anything to do with anyone. And, she feels that everyone ought to know why and do something about it – whatever that is at the moment.

I love her so much and usually get along with her without any problem. However, there’s times when she does the same thing to me….out of nowhere and we have to figure out for ourselves what might’ve made her angry. Usually, it’s nothing to do with what we might think it is.

By: Soph

Soph — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 22:38:36 +0000

I’ve always had a pretty tempestuous relationship with my mum, and right now at one of the worst points in my life, its hit an all time low. Ive been living abroad, where I had a good job, a husband, house, good friends etc. The marriage has ended, I quit my job and have moved home to rebuild my life. So my self esteem is pretty much rock bottom. Im living with mum, who is used to being on her own, 73 and a typical golden oldie, lovely one minute, crying the next, then utterly vicious.
Im trying so hard to be bright and breezy around her, but I dont particularly feel that way insidedue to everything else. I cant talk to her about my feelings or anything Im going through, and she comes out with things like ‘Youre so damn positive, everythings positive always with you,’ or ‘you just cant cope with problems (referring to my entire life) or ‘I wish you weren’t the person you are.’ Its hard to bite your tongue to stuff like that!
I told her Im glad I dont have children because if I end up being anything like her Id be devastated to be so horrible to another prson when they feel so bad. I feel so guilty about all this because I know she is afraid of the future, me getting a job and moving out and everything, shes very lonely. I think I just need some tips on coping with this when Im also trying to rebuild ‘me’.

By: Sharon

Sharon — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 15:05:38 +0000

I made a mistake in my previous post…I should have said, Yes, “it’s the disease talking” – but her disease now allows her to say what she really thinks.

By: Sharon

Sharon — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 15:03:00 +0000

My mother-in-law has always been a very nice, considerate, giving person, but in the last few years has begun saying mean things to me. My husband just doesn’t believe it when I tell him these things “because mom is the nicest person and would never mean that.” She was diagnosed with dementia a year ago, so now the answer to her saying mean things is, “It’s her disease talking.” Why does she only say these mean things to me, then? I believe, as previous posts have mentioned, that they begin to lose their ability to “censure” their thoughts – they lose their tact. So, now, she’s just not holding back on what she thinks of me. Yes, “it’s the disease talking” – but her disease only prevents her from not saying what she really thinks. Now she’s telling me how I’m so different from the rest of the family and she really doesn’t like it – she used to just accept me and I thought she actually liked and loved me. Now it seems it was all just a ruse and she just used all of her non-disease strength to not say what she really thought of me all those 20 years! My husband can’t understand why I would be so upset and he takes his mother’s side. It’s very stressful for us and is eating away at our marriage.

By: Nancy

Nancy — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 04:57:30 +0000

These posts sound like my situation with my mother. She is 76 and has not been diagnosed with any type of illness yet she is very mean, negative and puts me and my siblings down. It is very difficult to not let her hurtful comments affect us.

Others have advised walking away, distance and yet it is so tempting to confront her about her behavior. Should I just let it go and remember I was once a difficult toddler, child, teen and that now it is my turn to take whatever she dishes out…unconditional love?!

I would appreciate any suggestions how to cope with a mean aging mother.
Nancy recently posted..A Story About Finding Assisted Living — Part 3

By: Terri

Terri — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 18:56:21 +0000

My mother has never been very nice but as she is aging she is becoming extremely mean-spirited; constantly complaining; very hurtful to others. My siblings and I do not know how to deal with it- even though she has been tending this way all our lives. She currently still lives with our father but we are so concerned about what will happen if he passes first. NONE of us will be able to live with her. Most of their care falls upon my shoulders (due to where we all live) but it would destroy my life if she had to move in with us. I feel guilty but? I can’t hardly take it anymore as it is.
Thank you for your article and I am glad I found this website- it will def become a favorite site for me-
many blessings (and patience!) to all!

By: Linda

Linda — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 15:18:49 +0000

My situation is becoming more difficult as time goes on with my mother. She has been difficult for many years where I’m concerned and even has admitted she has resented me and doesn’t like me for years. She will start a fight about ANYTHING I say whether I have asked a simple question or have made a statement in general. She has started arguments with me because I may not have had the same view point on something. My mother, always has been gullable, niave and impulsive. Besides me, several friends notice that her perception on things in general are different than most people.

Other negativities she will project my way when she has started and argument it could be up to a month before she may start talking again and whether she’s mad at me or not she does everything in her power to PROVOKE me.

In the past I would react to her bad behavior I have been for the most part just walk away but it doesn’t matter because there is still that provokative behavior that lingers on. Everyone uses the excuse that she is old and I’m kind of sick of it. Since she doesnt seem to have dementia she’s responsible for her behavior.

Thanks right now I’m exhausted just thinking about this.

By: Brian

Brian — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 11:05:16 +0000

I understand they dont have the ability to filter their comments but it is still coming from the thinking process. My dad accused me of taking a percentage of the wages of a caregiver I found for him at 10.00 an hr. Very upsetting. I am finding it difficult to listen to forgive. I understand the inability to censure what they say but its the thought that counts.

By: Linda Abbit

Linda Abbit — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 06:15:35 +0000

Dear Mike,

Welcome to TLeC! My heart goes out to you and your wife for the tough spot you are in. It is sad to remember what our Golden Oldies used to be like “in their prime,” under any circumstances, but especially when they’re being difficult or mean.

And I commend you and your wife for managing to walk away and keeping your compassion for him strong. I hope your dad has a change of heart and decides to move with you, since he’s very lucky to have you both in his life. Thanks for caring so much about him!

By: Mike

Mike — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 22:27:02 +0000

My dad has called my wife and I every name in the book over the last 3 1/2 years that he has lived with us. Now our jobs are taking us to another place, he doesn’t want to go with us (although we told him he could if he wished to) and now we’re the most evil people on earth, we’re abandoning him, etc.

We do a lot of walking away now when he’s in the mood to fight. It is sad. I remember the kind, caring, gentle man I grew up with. I honestly don’t recognize him anymore. He had a stroke 2 months after my wife and I got married, but he was just as mean to us before then. Still, we pray every day for him. I don’t respond in kind when he hurls his insults at us, and neither does my wife, and that only seems to make him more angrty. He’s only 71.