Comments on: Tips for When Aging Parents Say Mean Things

By: Linda

Linda — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 15:18:49 +0000

My situation is becoming more difficult as time goes on with my mother. She has been difficult for many years where I’m concerned and even has admitted she has resented me and doesn’t like me for years. She will start a fight about ANYTHING I say whether I have asked a simple question or have made a statement in general. She has started arguments with me because I may not have had the same view point on something. My mother, always has been gullable, niave and impulsive. Besides me, several friends notice that her perception on things in general are different than most people.

Other negativities she will project my way when she has started and argument it could be up to a month before she may start talking again and whether she’s mad at me or not she does everything in her power to PROVOKE me.

In the past I would react to her bad behavior I have been for the most part just walk away but it doesn’t matter because there is still that provokative behavior that lingers on. Everyone uses the excuse that she is old and I’m kind of sick of it. Since she doesnt seem to have dementia she’s responsible for her behavior.

Thanks right now I’m exhausted just thinking about this.

By: Brian

Brian — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 11:05:16 +0000

I understand they dont have the ability to filter their comments but it is still coming from the thinking process. My dad accused me of taking a percentage of the wages of a caregiver I found for him at 10.00 an hr. Very upsetting. I am finding it difficult to listen to forgive. I understand the inability to censure what they say but its the thought that counts.

By: Linda Abbit

Linda Abbit — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 06:15:35 +0000

Dear Mike,

Welcome to TLeC! My heart goes out to you and your wife for the tough spot you are in. It is sad to remember what our Golden Oldies used to be like “in their prime,” under any circumstances, but especially when they’re being difficult or mean.

And I commend you and your wife for managing to walk away and keeping your compassion for him strong. I hope your dad has a change of heart and decides to move with you, since he’s very lucky to have you both in his life. Thanks for caring so much about him!

By: Mike

Mike — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 22:27:02 +0000

My dad has called my wife and I every name in the book over the last 3 1/2 years that he has lived with us. Now our jobs are taking us to another place, he doesn’t want to go with us (although we told him he could if he wished to) and now we’re the most evil people on earth, we’re abandoning him, etc.

We do a lot of walking away now when he’s in the mood to fight. It is sad. I remember the kind, caring, gentle man I grew up with. I honestly don’t recognize him anymore. He had a stroke 2 months after my wife and I got married, but he was just as mean to us before then. Still, we pray every day for him. I don’t respond in kind when he hurls his insults at us, and neither does my wife, and that only seems to make him more angrty. He’s only 71.

By: Shelley Vebber

Shelley Vebber — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 03:49:17 +0000

oh yeah baby, I called my mother today to thank her for something I thougft would be good and she raged a complete um unhappy woman who is 94, blamed me for her age, hmmmm

By: lester pace

lester pace — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 23:37:55 +0000

if you do not get it your parents are now you when you were young as i know i am now and you will be in the future still do not understand ask your kids

By: lester pace

lester pace — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:55:01 +0000

always wanted to responsible for my self now 65 stroke not even no what i can do from here on remember children who depended on me never knew what they were doing or could figure out where they got those ideas from did the best to just love them they did not understand me then nor i them NOW you want every thing in your later years of life to be perfect why wasnt when you were young its ok we all learn your turn is next lets see you do it better unless you lived before monday quarterback good luck

By: Linda Abbit

Linda Abbit — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 00:59:00 +0000

Dear Liara,

They are “dismantling their defenses” and facing the causes of their fear and discomfort. I find this idea very powerful. Thanks for giving me a new perspective on this, and for sharing your own personal story with us.

By: Liara Covert

Liara Covert — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 01:04:24 +0000

This post is very meaningful. I had a grandfather who became incredibly mean in his later years. I did not let that bother me but other members of my family were very hurt by it. He called my mom things that were terrible and not at all true, but he seemed to take pleasure in beng nasty. I believe people are often unaware of what they do. At this point in his life, my grandfather was not on any meds. However, his earlier life experience wars extremely difficult and even traumatic. I share your view that certain abilities to censure thoughts and feelings disintegrate or become less important with age. Some people would go further to say people are slowly dismantling theri defenses and actually faces the root causes of fear and discomfort. This has less to do with the scape goats who receive the brunt of the venting than the reasons why people build up negative feelings in the first place and repress them.

By: Linda Abbit

Linda Abbit — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 00:05:51 +0000

Hi SpaceAgeSage — Lori,

Your understanding of where aging parents (or any relatives) are coming from is spot on and makes you a very special caregiver. It must be a scary reality for our Golden Oldies to be living in. And what’s also scary to me is that if we’re lucky, we’ll wind up there as well. That’s why we (individually and as a society) need to be aware and educated about eldercare starting at a young age.