Tips for When Aging Parents Say Mean Things
Thank you to the reader who recently sent me this question:
“My elderly mother-in-law has gotten mean in the last few years. She’ll say mean things to people — mostly family members, but also others sometimes. I don’t think she even realizes how hurtful she’s being. Does this happen to elderly people often?”
In my experience, not all Golden Oldies “get mean” as they age, but some do.
I am not referring to pessimistic or difficult aging parents who are always whining and complaining, which I’ve written about previously. I am talking about our normally sweet and kind Golden Oldies who come out with mean statements occasionally. They might just say one mean or thoughtless thing that hurts us, but it’s that one sentence that sticks in our mind and heart for years to come.
An Example From My Own Family
My parents and I lived cross-country for nearly 20 years. Despite their only child and their only grandchild living 3,000 miles away, we could not convince them to move here. As my mom’s Alzheimer’s disease progressed, my father decided it was indeed time to live closer to us. We were ecstatic they were going to live in the same town and that we’d be able to have visits whenever we wanted — easily, without having to fly hours to do so. What could be better than that, after living apart for so many years?
One day about a year after they moved here, my Dad came out with the statement, “The worst thing we ever did was move to California!”
OUCH! I was stunned. It was like a slap in the face. I was too shocked to react to his words immediately. And even though we always had a close and loving relationship, I was extremely hurt. I still remember those words clearly — and don’t think I’ll ever forget them. But I have come to terms with it.
Why Do They Say Mean Things?
I believe our Golden Oldies lose their “filters” as they age. They think and speak much like young children, and just say what’s on their minds. They start to lose the ability to “censure” their words when those words are possibly rude or hurtful. They literally begin to speak without thinking.
If their words are kind, I say, “Good for them!” They’ve earned the right to speak what’s on their minds based on their experience and wisdom. But not always.
Tips on Handling Mean Words
You may not be able to change what your aging parents blurt out, but you can definitely control how you react to them.
- Delay your response to their words. Take a deep breath, walk into another room, count to 10, think about something positive. Whatever you do to calm yourself in other stressful situations, do now!
- Don’t snap back with an equally mean statement. Your reply could escalate the exchange. When you feel wounded, it’s often easy to fire back a nasty sentence, but in the long run it will not be helpful and may make matters worse. Try with all your might not to be defensive. I know it’s not easy!
- Realize their statements could be based on strong emotions. Respond to what their underlying feelings may be, and not the content of what your Golden Oldie said. Arguing with them logically probably won’t solve the deeper emotional issue. By not reacting on the spot when my Dad said the hurtful comment, I had time to analyze what he really meant.
- It’s OK to take a break. You can leave to give yourself time to cool off and deal with the hurt. This could be for a couple of minutes, hours, or even days if necessary.
- Try not to take their words personally. This was the hardest part for me. After all, I knew my Dad loved me and my family deeply, and was truly happy to be living nearby. He was simply idealizing their life in Florida, before my Mom was diagnosed and her memory loss began. He didn’t mean he hated living in California, but rather that he wished he could turn back the clock and be in Florida where they both had good health and an independent lifestyle.
- Be grateful — always. I try to remember at the difficult moments, how very lucky I am to have had them around at their advanced ages. (My dad died in 2005 at age 98 and my mom is now 99 years old.) So many people’s parents die when they are younger and adult children don’t have these later years to enjoy with their Golden Oldies. I also know that as a child or teenager I likely said hurtful things to them without realizing it, so now it’s my turn to get some of that karma back! It’s part of the circle of life.
What am I overlooking?
Have you found any other coping strategies that work for you when your Golden Oldies say mean things? Please share them in the comments below.
[NOTE: If there ever is a marked change in your aging parents' behavior, it may be due to a medical reason. Please be sure they are checked by their physician to rule out physical or drug-related reasons for inappropriate words, outbursts or actions.]
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Linda, this is a fantastic post. I salute you.
Right now I am having a situation with my father. He has lived a macho man’s life all his life and tries to manipulate everyone around to establish his power base. The two affected people are I and my son. In my case, I see through the game and do not allow the game to proceed by my becoming the victim. My son simply laughs and says, that he should talk to dad! It is actually fun to watch these exchanges. He does not stop trying though!
This is a very useful article, and — with my grandmother suffering from dementia — very applicable to me and my family’s current situation. While it is encouraging to us that Gram fades in and out of a coherent state, with more “in” moments that out (thank God), when she isn’t fully lucid, she is very hurtful. From someone who was never mean a minute in her life, this is disheartening, to say the least. Though we know it’s the dementia, it’s tough, at times, to deal. Knowing that we’re not alone, and your reminder to “Be grateful, always” is very useful. Thanks.
Hi rummuser,
Thank you! You’re awareness of your father’s “manipulating” is also a coping skill — and so is finding amusement from observing the “drama” playing out in your own home. You certainly have a great attitude!
Hi Gina LaGuardia,
Welcome to TLeC! Glad this post was helpful to you and your family. I’m so sorry about your grandmother’s dementia. It is very hard to see people we love change due to reasons beyond anyone’s control. One thing I’ve learned through caring for my Mom and her Alzheimer’s disease, is that the issues and challenges change as the disease progresses. Your grandmother may pass out of this “mean” stage, too, so hang in there.
Yes, the first few times it can be like a slap in the face and you want to react. It always better to respond instead with understanding. It is tough, but after awhile, you can “walk a mile in their moccasins” as the old saying goes, and realize they are not the parent you knew growing up, but a different person facing some very tough realities — realities that will never get better, only worse. It’s a frustrating and often hope-ripping place to be. Knowing this, I can respond out of love and concern instead of react.
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Hi SpaceAgeSage — Lori,
Your understanding of where aging parents (or any relatives) are coming from is spot on and makes you a very special caregiver. It must be a scary reality for our Golden Oldies to be living in. And what’s also scary to me is that if we’re lucky, we’ll wind up there as well. That’s why we (individually and as a society) need to be aware and educated about eldercare starting at a young age.
This post is very meaningful. I had a grandfather who became incredibly mean in his later years. I did not let that bother me but other members of my family were very hurt by it. He called my mom things that were terrible and not at all true, but he seemed to take pleasure in beng nasty. I believe people are often unaware of what they do. At this point in his life, my grandfather was not on any meds. However, his earlier life experience wars extremely difficult and even traumatic. I share your view that certain abilities to censure thoughts and feelings disintegrate or become less important with age. Some people would go further to say people are slowly dismantling theri defenses and actually faces the root causes of fear and discomfort. This has less to do with the scape goats who receive the brunt of the venting than the reasons why people build up negative feelings in the first place and repress them.
Dear Liara,
They are “dismantling their defenses” and facing the causes of their fear and discomfort. I find this idea very powerful. Thanks for giving me a new perspective on this, and for sharing your own personal story with us.
always wanted to responsible for my self now 65 stroke not even no what i can do from here on remember children who depended on me never knew what they were doing or could figure out where they got those ideas from did the best to just love them they did not understand me then nor i them NOW you want every thing in your later years of life to be perfect why wasnt when you were young its ok we all learn your turn is next lets see you do it better unless you lived before monday quarterback good luck
if you do not get it your parents are now you when you were young as i know i am now and you will be in the future still do not understand ask your kids
oh yeah baby, I called my mother today to thank her for something I thougft would be good and she raged a complete um unhappy woman who is 94, blamed me for her age, hmmmm
My dad has called my wife and I every name in the book over the last 3 1/2 years that he has lived with us. Now our jobs are taking us to another place, he doesn’t want to go with us (although we told him he could if he wished to) and now we’re the most evil people on earth, we’re abandoning him, etc.
We do a lot of walking away now when he’s in the mood to fight. It is sad. I remember the kind, caring, gentle man I grew up with. I honestly don’t recognize him anymore. He had a stroke 2 months after my wife and I got married, but he was just as mean to us before then. Still, we pray every day for him. I don’t respond in kind when he hurls his insults at us, and neither does my wife, and that only seems to make him more angrty. He’s only 71.
Dear Mike,
Welcome to TLeC! My heart goes out to you and your wife for the tough spot you are in. It is sad to remember what our Golden Oldies used to be like “in their prime,” under any circumstances, but especially when they’re being difficult or mean.
And I commend you and your wife for managing to walk away and keeping your compassion for him strong. I hope your dad has a change of heart and decides to move with you, since he’s very lucky to have you both in his life. Thanks for caring so much about him!
I understand they dont have the ability to filter their comments but it is still coming from the thinking process. My dad accused me of taking a percentage of the wages of a caregiver I found for him at 10.00 an hr. Very upsetting. I am finding it difficult to listen to forgive. I understand the inability to censure what they say but its the thought that counts.
My situation is becoming more difficult as time goes on with my mother. She has been difficult for many years where I’m concerned and even has admitted she has resented me and doesn’t like me for years. She will start a fight about ANYTHING I say whether I have asked a simple question or have made a statement in general. She has started arguments with me because I may not have had the same view point on something. My mother, always has been gullable, niave and impulsive. Besides me, several friends notice that her perception on things in general are different than most people.
Other negativities she will project my way when she has started and argument it could be up to a month before she may start talking again and whether she’s mad at me or not she does everything in her power to PROVOKE me.
In the past I would react to her bad behavior I have been for the most part just walk away but it doesn’t matter because there is still that provokative behavior that lingers on. Everyone uses the excuse that she is old and I’m kind of sick of it. Since she doesnt seem to have dementia she’s responsible for her behavior.
Thanks right now I’m exhausted just thinking about this.