We’re all human.   We’ve probably all felt the guilt and remorse after losing our cool with our aging parents, relatives or care recipients.

Aside from feeling badly, what can we actively do to make amends after we’ve blown up at them?  How do we begin to repair the relationship after a hurtful incident?

Making up may be hard, but not impossible, to do. Here are several steps to take:

1.  Have a cooling off period.  Let the dust settle before you engage them again.  It gives everyone involved time to gain some perspective on what the issues were that set off a disagreement.  This could mean several hours, days or even weeks depending upon your caregiving situation.

2.  Change your mode of contact.  If you visit regularly, you may want to simply touch base via phone a few times before another face-to-face visit.  Or ask a sibling, spouse or adult child to take a turn or two with the caregiving duties.  If you live with your care recipient, get away from home for a little while, provided they are safe to be alone for this period of time.

3.  Before you visit your Golden Oldies again, resolve to arrive with a pleasant attitude and open mind about talking over the issues that caused the argument.  Otherwise, it’s not time to visit them yet.  You may also want to role play with a friend or colleague the scenario before you go there, to figure out how to calmly discuss the issue(s) with them. It’s best not to involve another family member in your role playing, as they may have their own emotional bias on the topic.

What If You Start Losing Your Cool All Over Again?

When you re-establish contact and visit with the intention of making amends, be tuned in and aware of your own internal signals.  Are your Golden Oldies beginning to push your buttons?  Do you feel your stress level rising again?  If so, before the same argument starts over, it would be better to either leave or change the subject, rather than have it lead to another blow up!  Try to remain cool, calm and collected as the issues are being discussed.

At the very first sign things aren’t going well however,  either change the subject (”I think we all need to think about these ideas more.  Can we continue this discussion another day?”) or leave gracefully (”I have to pick up XYZ before dinner — can we continue this tomorrow?”).

Then repeat the steps given above, until you can control your reactions more effectively.

I also suggest that if you sense your aging parents are becoming upset again, it may be wise for you to bail.  You don’t have control over their emotional reactions, but you do not have to be subjected to any verbal abuse they may throw at you.  If the same issues are starting to upset them, just stop and let it go for the time being.

As I left my parents’ home after a visit, I would often ask myself, if this was our final goodbye, would I be happy with it?  I think parent-adult child relationships would be vastly improved if more family members asked this question of themselves.

Special Circumstances Apply

If your Golden Oldie has any type of memory loss,  dementia or Alzheimer’s disease you must always be the one to apologize.  This is due to the fact that they most likely

• won’t remember the blow up; and

• even if they do, they may not have the brain processing function to take the initiative to apologize

You must accept the blame when something’s wrong, even if it is a fantasy existing only in their minds.  It is the kindest thing to do under the circumstances.

What techniques have you used to make amends after a blow up with your Golden Oldies or care recipients?  Please leave your words of wisdom in the comments section below.

This is Part 2 in a series. Please click here to read Part 1 which contains the background ideas these lessons are built on.

It isn’t easy to change our way of communicating with our memory-impaired aging parents, but in order to make their lives (and ours) easier, it is helpful to follow some basic Do’s and Don’ts.

A Word of Warning

As I cover some “Don’ts” about using the language of dementia, you will most likely feel guilty because you will be hit with the horrible realization you’ve been doing them. Don’t beat yourselves up — we have all done them! And done them many times. And are still doing them — yes, even though I’ve been a family caregiver for over 10 years, I still screw up and communicate poorly sometimes when in theory I know better.

But just like learning any new language, begin with the basic underlying “grammatical rules” and start using them in your next conversations with your Golden Oldies who have dementia. It takes time to become fluent in a new language, so cut yourself some slack. Use each subsequent conversation as a practice session and see how you do. Just the fact that you’re aware of these better ways to communicate with your Golden Oldies is a wonderful step in the right direction!

So, put the guilt aside, read on and learn.

Don’t Remind Them They Forgot and Don’t Question Recent Memory

I recently wrote a post explaining why I don’t like being asked the question, “Does she know you?” when I tell people my mom has Alzheimer’s disease. There is another side to that issue when family caregivers speak with loved ones experiencing memory loss or dementia. I’ll explain . . . .

My mom and I were sitting in her board & care’s living room a few weeks ago with another resident who has dementia. (I will call her Sally, but that is not her real name.) Sally’s sister arrived for a visit with another couple. They all greeted Sally with hugs. Her sister then said, “Sally, do you know who this is?” referring to the other couple. When she didn’t respond right away, the gentleman visitor said, “Of course you do, Sally! I’m your brother-in-law, Joe, and this is your sister, Mary. Don’t you remember us?”

I know, you’re probably thinking no big deal, but I cringed when I heard her ask “Do you know who this is?” Sally is aware enough to understand the question, but based on her blank stare and lack of a reply, she probably did not remember who the other couple was (even though they were relatives but ones she doesn’t see too often).

I know the visitors meant no disrespect to Sally, and used the words we all use automatically when greeting people. But with that exchange, Sally might have felt embarrassed that she didn’t know who they were, especially when she was then told they were family members. She also could have been upset that she didn’t remember who they were. I cringed again when her brother-in-law said “Don’t you remember us?” Ouch!

It is not kind to someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease to point out their memory loss (which is a disability like any other) over and over again. It may take a minute or two of thought before speaking to avoid doing this, but the words we use matter a great deal.

Instant Replay: Instead of saying to Sally “Do you know who this is?” it would be kinder to say, “Sally, look who’s here to visit you today: Mary, your sister and her husband, Joe.” Immediately identify who is visiting, rather than putting the memory-impaired person in an awkward or embarrassing situation.

In addition, try to avoid using these questions in conversations:

• Do you remember when we ________?

• What did you do today?

• How was lunch (or any recent activity)?

True Confessions

Another example comes from my own experience. And believe me, I look back and regret doing this, but I didn’t know any better at the time.

One of the first signs my mom had Alzheimer’s disease was that she repeated the same question multiple times within five minutes. It could have been something as simple as, “Is today Thursday?” I would answer her sweetly the first time, but then every time after that when she’d ask the same question, I’d say something like, “Mom, I just told you that. Yes, it’s Thursday.” She would look at me with a blank stare or sometimes say “You did?” Then she’d shrug and we’d go on. I had very little patience for her repeated questions, and looking back I realize how unkind I was by pointing out her memory loss repeatedly. And then compounding it by speaking in a frustrated tone of voice or rolling my eyes when my patience was completely shot. UGH!!

Here’s another example of how to not remind them they forgot:

Golden Oldie: “Steve hasn’t called for a long time. I hope he’s feeling OK.”

Don’t say: “Steve called yesterday and you talked with him for quite awhile.”

Say instead: “You really like talking with Steve, don’t you? Let’s call him when we get back from lunch.”

Kinder Solutions

If your Golden Oldies repeat the same question multiple times they are not trying to annoy you. They truly believe it is the first time they’re asking you the question. Our job is to reply as if it’s the first time they’re asking the question. This isn’t easy and it takes a load of patience to accomplish, but try your best! Remember, their reality is now different than ours. Reminding them they forgot won’t change this fact, and will only make them feel worse.

Keep in mind this new language will take lots of practice to become comfortable with! So hang in there and keep practicing in everyday interactions with your aging parents.

Have you had these type of conversations with your Golden Oldies with dementia? Can you add any tips you’ve learned?

Please write them in the comment section below. If you’d like an easy guide on how to leave comments on the TLeC blog, click here.

Outside Resource:

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired by Liz Ayres

Many of our aging parents (or Golden Oldies as I prefer to call them) will eventually develop some type of memory loss. It usually starts as the forgetfulness we have come to expect with normal aging, but then it may progress to dementia or Alzheimer’s disease (AD for short, which is the most common type of dementia). I’ve witnessed the full progression of memory loss with my mom as she has lived through the stages of Alzheimer’s disease so my perspective is that of a family caregiver for an aging parent with AD.

We Start by Changing Our Mindset

If you keep the following things in mind, it will help in the ways you think about and communicate with your aging parents:

• Our aging parents’ memory loss is a disability. Asking them to remember is like asking a blind person to read, or a person confined to a wheelchair to walk.

• While what they do may seem crazy to us, it isn’t. They do or say normal things for a memory-impaired person. For example, they don’t hide the house keys, they put them in a safe place (in their point of view) and then forget where that is. If they were deliberately trying to exasperate us, they would have a different diagnosis.

• People with memory loss are scared all the time. As a result of the fear, they may become passive, uncooperative, hostile, angry, agitated, verbally abusive or physically combative — or all of the above at different stages of AD. As a result of our understanding and use of the language of dementia, we can alleviate many of their fears and resulting behaviors.

• Put yourself in their place and raise your level of patience, generosity and graciousness.

• We can’t control memory loss, only our reaction to it.

It’s not the person with the memory loss that learns a new language. It is you and I, their loved ones and caregivers, who have to do so in order to maintain their dignity and quality of life. In the coming lessons, I will cover some do’s and don’ts for communicating with our AD care recipients through the language of dementia.

Have you changed your mindset by being a caregiver for an aging parent with memory loss?

Can you add more ideas to the attitude adjustments above?

If you’d like to leave a comment but aren’t quite sure how, follow the easy step-by-step guide by clicking here.

Outside Resource:

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired — Liz Ayres