Tender Loving Eldercare» caregiver stress relief

How to Handle the Guilt of Caregiving — Part 2

Linda Abbit — Mon, 23 May 2011 09:00:45 +0000

This post is part of a two-part series. Click here to read Part 1.

I feel a little guilty for writing about guilt.

I haven’t been a hands-on family caregiver for over two years, but I still feel guilt over things I could have or should have done for my aging parents. So can I really offer advice to you about how to best handle guilt?

One thing I will say with 100% certainty is that feelings of guilt can be controlled, and may dissipate greatly over time, but these feelings probably won’t ever go away completely.

Placement Guilt

Feeling guilt over placing a loved one in a care facility when you, a family caregiver, can no longer care for them at home is one of the most common causes of guilt, so I’m going to focus on this issue first.

When placement guilt rears its head, look back and recall the living situation in your home before you placed your loved one. Stop and answer the following questions honestly. (Warning: It’s easy to idealize your “before” life, but don’t. Be brutally honest with yourself.)

About Your Loved One:

Were you able to care for him/her on your own 100% of the time?

Was he/she cooperative in the care you were giving? Or were they stubborn and/or combative at times?

Were they really safe from possible falls or injury at home? Could they be left home alone safely?

Were they accepting of outside caregivers you were bringing in to the home to help you?

About Yourself:

How was your physical and emotional health before placement? Was it deteriorating?

How stressed and worried were you then?

Did your life seem like it was spinning out of control?

Were you able to get a good night’s sleep? Any sleep?

Were you eating well?

Were you able to get a break from caregiving — enough to feel relaxed and refreshed upon your return?

Were you trying so hard to preserve your loved one’s dignity or the status quo of your family life, you were nearly killing yourself in the process?

Did you sometimes feel you were at the end of your rope?

Were you ashamed to admit you couldn’t care for him/her all on your own any longer?

Did you feel like you were failing your loved one, yourself or your family?

My experience says that if you honestly answer the above questions — and not paint a false rosy picture of what your home life used to be like, you will be free of guilt feelings by the time you’ve read to this paragraph. The safety and care of your loved one, as well as your health and peace of mind have got to be better now than the situation was in your home before placement — or you wouldn’t have moved him or her in the first place!

So, when those guilt feelings start creeping in, come back to this post, answer these questions again and remember what life really was like before you made that difficult placement decision. It may not take the sadness or loneliness away, but it should lessen the guilt quite a lot when you re-confirm the decision you made truly was best for both of you!

How I Overcame My Own Guilt

An example from my life illustrates how I handle the guilt I still feel because my father died alone. I was not at his bedside as I had hoped and wanted so very much. The exact circumstances about his death don’t really matter, just know that the guilt over this bothered me very much initially, and even now, six years later comes back to haunt me on occasion.

The hospice company that cared for both of my parents keeps in touch with bereaved families for one year following the patient’s death. I received various mailings and phone calls during the year after my dad died, but never took them up on their services of counseling, religious services, or holiday memorial events. Just before the hospice service was ending, I decided to make an appointment with the hospice social worker for a one-on-one session.

I sat there crying and told her of the tremendous guilt I felt about my dad dying alone. I had been with him so much over the last several years of his life and the three months he was on hospice, how could that have happened?! I was feeling like I’d let him down completely by not being there.

What I learned from her was that death is a very private experience, and that many people “choose” to die alone! She told me how many families will be at their loved one’s bedside, and then right after they leave to either get some sleep or some food, the person passes away while they’re gone. As she relayed this to me, I had to admit I had heard of this happening to other families I knew.

In my case, education helped me decrease my guilt. And when I think about my dad dying alone and the guilt begins to resurface, I remind myself that it could have been what he actually wanted.

What other things have you felt guilt over as a family caregiver? How have you overcome those feelings? Your thoughts are welcome in the Comments section below.

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Photo Credit: Jason Rosenberg on Flickr

How to Handle the Guilt of Caregiving — Part 1

Linda Abbit — Wed, 11 May 2011 09:00:30 +0000

One of my support group members recently asked me, “How do I get over the guilt?”

A few months ago she moved her husband to a board and care facility because she could no longer care for him by herself at home. Intellectually she knows it is the best thing for both of them, but the guilt gnaws at her.

Even though my parents died over two years ago, I still find myself thinking thoughts such as, “I wish I hadn’t listened to So-and-So about that particular decision and followed my gut instincts instead.”

The guilt hits me from time to time –

Why didn’t I make different (better?) decisions.

I wish I could have made their final years more pleasant.

I wish I had a magic wand and could have reversed their aging with a wave of my wand.

If I only had the power to do so!

Guilt is an inherent part of caregiving. What guilty thoughts do you deal with? And what do you do when it rears its ugly head?

I’d like to read your thoughts in the Comments below and I will share in a new post what I did (and still do) to combat guilt feelings. Thank you for contributing to this discussion.

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Photo credit: kelsey_lovefusionphoto

Inspiring Quotes for Caregivers — 12/2/09

Linda Abbit — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 09:00:29 +0000

Please watch at least the first two minutes of the following inspiring video.

The quality of the film isn’t super sharp, but the message is clear as a bell!

If you have trouble viewing the above, please click here.

When I dance, I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole. That is why I dance.

~ Hans Bos

And if dancing isn’t your “thing,” what activity, interest or pastime in your life provides you with the utter joy and sense of accomplishment this Golden Oldie has found through dancing? Once you’ve identified it, make time to indulge in whatever that activity is, both to simply pamper yourself and to forget about the stress and strains of everyday life for awhile. You deserve it!!

P.S. In researching this video, I’ve read reports that the woman is either in her 80′s or 90′s. Her exact age doesn’t matter, as this proves that age is truly just a number. She is young in heart and spirit, not to mention flexibility!

Please feel free to share whatever your diversion is in the comment section below. Mine is also dancing — but a different kind called Lindy Hop or Swing Dancing.

Announcing a TLeC Contest for National Family Caregivers Month 2009

Linda Abbit — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:00:45 +0000

“Music is part of being human.”

~ Oliver W. Sacks

To continue our celebration of and gratitude for all caregivers during National Family Caregivers Month 2009, TLeC is holding it’s very first contest!

It is open to all caregivers, families employing caregivers, and/or eldercare professionals in the U.S.A.

It starts November 16, 2009 and all entries must be received no later than 6pm PST on November 29, 2009. The one (1) winner will be chosen at random and announced here on November 30, 2009. Prize will be shipped to the winner by TLeC.

How to Enter: Sign up for the TLeC Newsletter in the top right hand section of this page, under the blue headline “Get More Caregiving Tips from Tender Loving Eldercare!” Type in your name and email address, click on the “Sign Me Up” button, and complete the one last step of clicking on the link in the confirmation email that will be delivered instantly to your inbox. That final step is important — it both completes your newsletter sign up and also enters you into the contest. That’s all you have to do! Easy Peasy!

What Can You Win?

The prize is a wonderful DVD set called “Toe-Tapping Songs” created by Darlene Hamby, a music specialist in the eldercare field. The set centers around a collection of 20 songs to sing along to. They are all “feel good” tunes, and caregivers, seniors (or Golden Oldies as I like to call them) and their families will enjoy them. It consists of a DVD of a music session, with Darlene playing the piano and singing with senior citizens, and also includes six sing-along song books. Inside the song books, you will find one page dedicated to each song containing the lyrics in LARGE PRINT and a photo to match the song’s theme. It is packaged in a compact binder which is both easy to store and easy to travel with.

Darlene’s love of both music and Golden Oldies shines through as she sings and plays the piano on this DVD. I’ve had the pleasure of participating in one of her live music sessions and I’m sure people of all ages will enjoy having their own sing-alongs with Darlene via this DVD. This set can be used to create fun music sessions during family gatherings or in an assisted living facility’s activity program. It will be a big hit over and over again in either setting!

Here is a preview of the prize:

DVD Sing-Along Music Set

Sample of a Song Page

Toe-Tapping Songs Table of Contents

So get your entries in now! And please feel free to tell others about this contest in your caregiving world as well! Thanks!

Caregiving and the Holidays

Linda Abbit — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 09:00:14 +0000

Now that it’s November, the countdown to the holidays has officially begun.

While most of the world seems to be living on a holiday “high,” caregivers often struggle through this time of year with great, and often hidden, sadness in their hearts.

For family caregivers the holiday season can be both blessing and a curse. A blessing because it provides opportunities for wonderful family gatherings and a curse because it provides opportunities for wonderful family gatherings.

Can you feel your stress level starting to rise already?

Meredith Bailey of MyCareCommunity.org interviewed me for an article about the stress caregivers may experience before and during the holidays. We hope you find the coping strategies and ideas presented in it helpful. You can read the article here.

Carol Bradley Bursack, author of “Minding our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories,” contributed to Bailey’s article, too. Her book is available in the TLeC E-store, on Amazon.com, and in other bookstores.

Also please take time to explore MyCareCommunity.org. It is an online community of caregivers and eldercare experts sharing advice, experiences, stories, tips and resources. It looks like a worthwhile place for caregivers to connect and learn.

As a caregiver do you have holiday coping strategies you’d like to share with us? Please write them in the comment section below. Thanks!

Inspiring Quotes for Caregivers — 10/28/09

Linda Abbit — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 09:00:09 +0000

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you

have, and only you can determine how it will be spent.

Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.

~ Carl Sandburg

Time is something that once spent, you won’t ever get back. Be sure to take time for yourself each and every day. Too many caregivers don’t permit themselves this luxury necessity.

For an hour every day do something that brings you joy and contentment. Whether it is reading a book, walking, playing sports, enjoying quality time with your spouse, siblings, children or grandchildren, seeing a friend, gardening, journaling, dancing or (fill in the blank). Decide what that special activity is for you and make the time to fulfill the happiness quotient we all need and deserve every day.

Your care recipient will survive your absence for this short period, and will gain from it in the long run — as you will return to your responsibilities with a lighter heart and clearer mind. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

Inspiring Quotes for Caregivers — 09/23/09

Linda Abbit — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 09:00:04 +0000

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.

~ Leo Tolstoy

Dear Caregivers,

Whatever challenges you face in caring for your loved ones today, know that with the passage of time these challenges will change.

The current issues will fade, and there will be a new set of challenges awaiting you to solve . . . or at best, survive.

When you’re feeling like you can no longer persevere, remember you are warriors and time and patience are your allies. Hang in there!

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Photo Credit: Nelson Minar’s photostream

Inspiring Quotes for Caregivers — July 22, 2009

Linda Abbit — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 19:12:48 +0000

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: one is roots, the other is wings.

~ Hodding Carter

I’ve always loved this quote! With just a few tweaks, it applies to family caregivers:

There are two lasting gifts we can give our aging parents: one is safety and security, the other is as much independence as possible.

~ Linda Abbit

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Photo Credit: Kthypryn’s photostream

Funny Fridays 4/24/09: Because It’s Better to Laugh than to Cry!

Linda Abbit — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 10:00:54 +0000

Here are two videos from YouTube that I came across this week and just loved!

The first one is funny and stars an animal friend who is musically-inclined.

If you have trouble viewing the video above, click here.

This second one is creative and has a wonderful message!

If you have trouble viewing the video above, click here.

To everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!

Funny Fridays 4/17/09 — Because It’s Better to Laugh than to Cry!

Linda Abbit — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 10:00:41 +0000

“I am the Tax Man . . .”

Under the Freedom of Information Act, a man with a small business sent a request to the IRS asking if they had a file on him. The IRS wrote back, “There is now.”

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After reading a nursery rhyme to his child, an accountant says, “No, son. It wouldn’t be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking.”

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Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

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The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant poured over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

“Why would you say that?” wondered the broker.

“Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”

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“The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.” ~ Anonymous

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” ~ Albert Einstein

“I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is – I could be just as proud for half the money.” ~ Arthur Godfrey

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To Everyone in the TLeC community, have a fabulous weekend!

Photo Credit: Tracy O’s photostream