We’re all human.   We’ve probably all felt the guilt and remorse after losing our cool with our aging parents, relatives or care recipients.

Aside from feeling badly, what can we actively do to make amends after we’ve blown up at them?  How do we begin to repair the relationship after a hurtful incident?

Making up may be hard, but not impossible, to do. Here are several steps to take:

1.  Have a cooling off period.  Let the dust settle before you engage them again.  It gives everyone involved time to gain some perspective on what the issues were that set off a disagreement.  This could mean several hours, days or even weeks depending upon your caregiving situation.

2.  Change your mode of contact.  If you visit regularly, you may want to simply touch base via phone a few times before another face-to-face visit.  Or ask a sibling, spouse or adult child to take a turn or two with the caregiving duties.  If you live with your care recipient, get away from home for a little while, provided they are safe to be alone for this period of time.

3.  Before you visit your Golden Oldies again, resolve to arrive with a pleasant attitude and open mind about talking over the issues that caused the argument.  Otherwise, it’s not time to visit them yet.  You may also want to role play with a friend or colleague the scenario before you go there, to figure out how to calmly discuss the issue(s) with them. It’s best not to involve another family member in your role playing, as they may have their own emotional bias on the topic.

What If You Start Losing Your Cool All Over Again?

When you re-establish contact and visit with the intention of making amends, be tuned in and aware of your own internal signals.  Are your Golden Oldies beginning to push your buttons?  Do you feel your stress level rising again?  If so, before the same argument starts over, it would be better to either leave or change the subject, rather than have it lead to another blow up!  Try to remain cool, calm and collected as the issues are being discussed.

At the very first sign things aren’t going well however,  either change the subject (”I think we all need to think about these ideas more.  Can we continue this discussion another day?”) or leave gracefully (”I have to pick up XYZ before dinner — can we continue this tomorrow?”).

Then repeat the steps given above, until you can control your reactions more effectively.

I also suggest that if you sense your aging parents are becoming upset again, it may be wise for you to bail.  You don’t have control over their emotional reactions, but you do not have to be subjected to any verbal abuse they may throw at you.  If the same issues are starting to upset them, just stop and let it go for the time being.

As I left my parents’ home after a visit, I would often ask myself, if this was our final goodbye, would I be happy with it?  I think parent-adult child relationships would be vastly improved if more family members asked this question of themselves.

Special Circumstances Apply

If your Golden Oldie has any type of memory loss,  dementia or Alzheimer’s disease you must always be the one to apologize.  This is due to the fact that they most likely

• won’t remember the blow up; and

• even if they do, they may not have the brain processing function to take the initiative to apologize

You must accept the blame when something’s wrong, even if it is a fantasy existing only in their minds.  It is the kindest thing to do under the circumstances.

What techniques have you used to make amends after a blow up with your Golden Oldies or care recipients?  Please leave your words of wisdom in the comments section below.

In a prior post I acknowledged that in our role as family caregivers, we’ve all  probably lost our patience with our aging parents or care recipients at some point. I also promised to share with you my own experience, so here goes.

I Never Lost My Patience (Part One of Two)

I was a long distance caregiver to my parents during the years my mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. It’s easy to keep your patience when you live three thousand miles away and the caregiving consists mainly of supportive phone calls and a few short visits a year.

About two years after her diagnosis, when my parents moved to an assisted living facility in my town, my mom was at the start of the middle stage of this horrible disease.  Through the excellent free resources of my local Alzheimer’s Association, I had educated myself via workshops and lots of reading about caregiving for dementia patients.  I was also attending a support group for adult children of Alzheimer’s patients on a regular basis which provided more insight and other people to share experiences with.

The knowledge I gained from the time my mom was diagnosed until the time she and my dad moved here armed me with an understanding and deep compassion for people struck by any memory-impairing disease.  And while I saw my parents multiple times a week once they lived nearby, I do not remember a single time when I lost patience and blew up at either one or them, face-to-face or by phone.  (I just checked with my husband and he couldn’t think of any incidences like that either.)

So How Did I Keep from Losing It?

OK, this was probably a wimpy way out (or at best, passive-aggressive behavior), but I would rely completely on my husband to interact with my parents for me when I needed some space as a caregiver.  As their only child, I was their sole source of emotional support, and I thought it could be extremely hurtful if I was nasty, mean or rude to them.  I truly didn’t want to hurt them in any way at this stage in their lives.

I did two things that stopped me from losing patience with my parents:

1.  I vented to my husband . . . a lot!  I would whine and complain whenever I felt the caregiving issues and duties were overwhelming me.  As an only child, one comment I often made was, “This is just too much for one person to handle!” (Of course, there are pros and cons about being a caregiver and an only child, but that’s another post.)

I must also point out, my parents were always very independent and considerate!  They never expressed a desire to live with my family and only did so for a few weeks when they were moving.  I always had our own home as my sanctuary to retreat to.  I don’t know how I would have managed had we all lived under the same  roof — which makes me sympathize even more with family caregivers who do accomplish this incredible feat with aplomb!

2.  I would have my husband “run interference” for me when I was reaching my caregiving breaking point.  Jeff is an absolutely extraordinary man, and I have to publicly thank him again for being such a vital part of my caregiving “village.”  There were times my father would call and I just couldn’t bear to deal with whatever question or problem they had.  Jeff would return the call and handle everything for me when I just couldn’t do it myself.

One particular incident really stands out in my mind.  I had just arrived at Disneyland to meet a group of friends (we’re locals and had an annual pass at the time) and spend the evening dancing to a favorite band playing there.  (As I’ve written here before, dance is one of my major ways to relieve stress!) My pager beeped and I saw it was my parents’ phone number.  I immediately called Jeff at home and he willingly returned my Dad’s phone call, explained I was gone for the evening, and helped them in my absence.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to turn around and leave the Happiest Place on Earth as soon as I had arrived.  I know how lucky I am to have had such a reliable and caring backup person on my caregiving team.

Do you have a family member, friend or neighbor you can ask to be your back up for those times you just need to have some time away from caregiving?  And don’t feel guilty arranging for this assistance!

I Never Lost my Patience . . . Yeah, Right (Part Two of Two)

Ironically, I would lose my patience on the telephone multiple times with my parents years before I ever became their family caregiver!

I moved out to California in my mid-20’s and we’d talk on the phone about once a week to catch up.  I would find myself very upset or angry with my parents by the end of many conversations.  I remember wishing they would just leave me alone and stop telling me what to do!

These negative emotions, along with some other issues, led me to get counseling for a few months to gain a better understanding of myself.  My therapist taught me a very important life lesson which I know helped me become a more patient caregiver when I took on that role.

The lesson was for me to change my perception of what they said.

It was to recognize that the words my parents were actually saying, which I perceived as criticism or telling me how to run my life, were only one surface layer. What I needed to learn and embrace 100% was the understanding that beneath whatever “negative” words I was hearing, what my parents were really saying to me was, “We love you!”

They cared about and loved me deeply.  They weren’t criticizing me; they were suggesting ways I could make my life even better.  It was all in my perception of the intent behind their words, not what their words were!  It was the unspoken message they were sending that I needed to focus on.

Once I learned this important lesson, it made all the difference in the world when communicating with them in a patient and loving manner, both long distance and while up close and personal.  And I think this basic understanding also kept me from losing patience with them when I later shouldered the responsibility and stress of caregiving.

True Confessions are now officially over.

In a future post, we’ll talk about practical ways we can smooth things over when we do blow our cool with our Golden Oldies.

On Wednesdays at TLeC I usually provide inspiring quotes, photos and/or stories for caregivers.  Today for a change of pace, I am presenting words of wisdom about aging from a 90 year old man to share with your pessimistic aging parents.  Because along with caregivers, our senior citizens (or Golden Oldies as I prefer to call them) need some uplifting thoughts to hang on to as well.

Rabbi Joshua O. Haberman delivered a candid speech in April 2009 about the pros and cons of being 90.  For starters, when a friend asked him, “How do you feel being 90?”  He replied, “Very surprised!”

Here is my summary (quoting heavily from Rabbi Haberman’s talk) giving his six reasons to look at aging in a positive way:

• First you gain tranquility.  All the important decisions have been made in earlier years. . . . I have walked the walk, had my failures and successes.  All the pressures have eased.  I am more relaxed than ever.

• Your passion cools or the doctrine of insignificance. If a matter is not truly significant or important, don’t fret, don’t worry and don’t get yourself worked up.  Ignore it!  We get less frantic, less pushy in advanced age. . . . the experience of a long life teaches us that not all problems can be solved; and certainly, not by ourselves . . . All we can do is endure.

• The third gain is ‘the art of submission.’ There are passages in life you cannot control . . . let go, accept the unalterable. . . . change your attitude. Stop fighting. Accept what must be; and strangely, this kind of surrender to the unchangeable is conducive to peace of mind.

• The fourth gift harvested in old age is liberation from the compulsion or urge of setting everyone else straight. I am no longer looking to win every argument.  The intensity of your conviction is no proof that you are right. More often than before, it occurs to me that I might be wrong, that I don’t have all the answers. I have learned to listen more and talk less.

• The fifth dividend of old age is greater appreciation and gratitude. I have become more attentive to old and new friends. More often than before I keep in touch with old friends and reach out to new, especially,  younger people. . . . Giving thanks is the most effective and harmless mood-changer — the best antidote to cynicism and pessimism. . . . I appreciate far more each day, each hour, every bit of new knowledge and every moment with people I care for.

• The sixth and most important gain is more involvement with three generations of my family — children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Best of all is my love affair with a married woman — Maxine, my wife; and, my severest critic and yet, unfailing support in almost sixty-five years of marriage.

In a previous post about communicating with negative-thinking seniors I raise this point:

After they’ve vented about their list of complaints, immediately say to them, “Now tell me something positive.” Some aging parents don’t know how negative they’ve become. At first they will be astonished at your request, but by repeatedly giving them this gentle reminder, they may realize they don’t want to be such negative people and start to be more positive — at least around you!

So if your parents can’t think of something positive to share, you can now hand them this article to jump start their thinking on the benefits of growing older. 

If you or your Golden Oldies have other benefits of aging to share, please add a comment below. The how-to’s for leaving comments are given here.

Outside Resources:

The New York Times, The New Old Age Blog, by Paula Span, June 22, 2009

The Dilemmas of Aging by Rabbi Joshua O. Haberman, April 3, 2009

Thank you to the reader who recently sent me this question:

“My elderly mother-in-law has gotten mean in the last few years. She’ll say mean things to people — mostly family members, but also others sometimes. I don’t think she even realizes how hurtful she’s being. Does this happen to elderly people often?”

In my experience, not all Golden Oldies “get mean” as they age, but some do.

I am not referring to pessimistic or difficult aging parents who are always whining and complaining, which I’ve written about previously. I am talking about our normally sweet and kind Golden Oldies who come out with mean statements occasionally. They might just say one mean or thoughtless thing that hurts us, but it’s that one sentence that sticks in our mind and heart for years to come.

An Example From My Own Family

My parents and I lived cross-country for nearly 20 years. Despite their only child and their only grandchild living 3,000 miles away, we could not convince them to move here. As my mom’s Alzheimer’s disease progressed, my father decided it was indeed time to live closer to us. We were ecstatic they were going to live in the same town and that we’d be able to have visits whenever we wanted — easily, without having to fly hours to do so. What could be better than that, after living apart for so many years?

One day about a year after they moved here, my Dad came out with the statement, “The worst thing we ever did was move to California!”

OUCH! I was stunned. It was like a slap in the face. I was too shocked to react to his words immediately. And even though we always had a close and loving relationship, I was extremely hurt. I still remember those words clearly — and don’t think I’ll ever forget them. But I have come to terms with it.

Why Do They Say Mean Things?

I believe our Golden Oldies lose their “filters” as they age. They think and speak much like young children, and just say what’s on their minds. They start to lose the ability to “censure” their words when those words are possibly rude or hurtful. They literally begin to speak without thinking.

If their words are kind, I say, “Good for them!” They’ve earned the right to speak what’s on their minds based on their experience and wisdom. But not always.

Tips on Handling Mean Words

You may not be able to change what your aging parents blurt out, but you can definitely control how you react to them.

• Delay your response to their words. Take a deep breath, walk into another room, count to 10, think about something positive. Whatever you do to calm yourself in other stressful situations, do now!

• Don’t snap back with an equally mean statement. Your reply could escalate the exchange. When you feel wounded, it’s often easy to fire back a nasty sentence, but in the long run it will not be helpful and may make matters worse. Try with all your might not to be defensive. I know it’s not easy!

• Realize their statements could be based on strong emotions. Respond to what their underlying feelings may be, and not the content of what your Golden Oldie said. Arguing with them logically probably won’t solve the deeper emotional issue. By not reacting on the spot when my Dad said the hurtful comment, I had time to analyze what he really meant.

• It’s OK to take a break. You can leave to give yourself time to cool off and deal with the hurt. This could be for a couple of minutes, hours, or even days if necessary.

• Try not to take their words personally. This was the hardest part for me. After all, I knew my Dad loved me and my family deeply, and was truly happy to be living nearby. He was simply idealizing their life in Florida, before my Mom was diagnosed and her memory loss began. He didn’t mean he hated living in California, but rather that he wished he could turn back the clock and be in Florida where they both had good health and an independent lifestyle.

• Be grateful — always. I try to remember at the difficult moments, how very lucky I am to have had them around at their advanced ages. (My dad died in 2005 at age 98 and my mom is now 99 years old.) So many people’s parents die when they are younger and adult children don’t have these later years to enjoy with their Golden Oldies. I also know that as a child or teenager I likely said hurtful things to them without realizing it, so now it’s my turn to get some of that karma back! It’s part of the circle of life.

What am I overlooking?

Have you found any other coping strategies that work for you when your Golden Oldies say mean things? Please share them in the comments below.

[NOTE: If there ever is a marked change in your aging parents' behavior, it may be due to a medical reason. Please be sure they are checked by their physician to rule out physical or drug-related reasons for inappropriate words, outbursts or actions.]

I just got back from decorating my mom’s room at the board and care cottage for Hanukkah. While she was being fed lunch in the kitchen, I played a CD of Hanukkah music as I cheerily put up the decorations. For about two-thirds of each day now, Mom, age 99, is in bed in her room, so I decided it was more important to put the decorations up in there rather than in the living room and kitchen which I have done in previous years.

If you are planning to do some holiday decorating for your aging parents (and I hope you are), here are things I realized as I went along. The results look somewhat different than how we normally decorate at our house.

Decorating Changes I Made

Since Mom spends most of her time in bed, I put the majority of the decorations on the walls closest to her and lower down on the walls, so when she is lying on either of her sides they will be at eye level. I also put a few on the far side of the room, but I’m not really sure how well her eyes focus for distance, so the majority of the decorations are on the walls and closet doors closest to her or in her line of sight. I thought of the perspective as the “Bed Cam!”

I used the large-size decorations with bold colors on them because I think she will be able to see those more clearly than some of the smaller, daintier, pastel ones.

I bought a new stuffed animal to add to her stuffed animal collection — a cute Hanukkah bear that she can hold or cuddle any time.

Instead of real candles in the menorah (see photo above), I brought over an electric menorah that plugs into the wall and lights up. I don’t want to create any fire hazards in the board and care cottage!

I didn’t overdo the decorations; keeping it simple because Alzheimer’s disease patients could be agitated by too much stimulation (or changes in their rooms). Although at this late stage I’m not sure how aware my mom is of her surroundings, except for what is directly in front of her face.

I set the volume on the CD player a little louder than usual to insure she could hear the Hanukkah music from bed. (Years ago we had to take away her hearing aids because she would pop them out of her ears and start chewing on them, not knowing what they were.)

What Happened Next — Ta-Dah!

When she was finished eating, the caregiver brought my mom to her room to see what I had done. Unfortunately, she was already tired out and her eyes were closed as they wheeled her wheelchair into the room. Even though her eyes were shut, I told her I was there and had a surprise to show her . . . but she didn’t open her eyes. I stayed another 45 minutes, hoping she would wake up, but she didn’t.

Was I disappointed that I couldn’t share my splendid decorating job with her? I sure was!

Did I shed a few tears that we couldn’t share the fun of this together? I sure did!

Did I know I needed to change my expectations for the holidays as my mom aged? I sure did! And I thought I had this part down pat, but obviously I don’t.

So I’ll go back there tomorrow morning when she’s more likely to be awake and alert, and give her a “tour” of her decorated room then. One “plus” side of Alzheimer’s disease is that the decorations will be “new” to my mom every day during the holiday season!

Have you had to change your holiday traditions due to your parents aging? In what ways? How did you cope with it?

_________________________

Photo Credit: mamamusings’ photostream on Flickr

I was planning to write a post about family caregivers, our aging parents and/or relatives, and the many issues we might face during the hectic holiday season. In organizing my own thoughts and researching this topic, I found there are many excellent resources already available on the internet about this very subject. Instead of reinventing the wheel, I’ll point you to the ones I believe are most helpful.

So grab a cup of hot chocolate (or a hot toddy), sit back and browse through this gathering of sites:

• At MindingOurEldersBlogs.com, Carol Bradley Bursack writes about adult children visiting their aging parents and the “miracle transformation” that could occur in “Home for the Holidays: Be Prepared.”

• At AgingCare.com, Carol Bradley Bursack tackles family caregivers’ guilt about not fulfilling all family members’ expectations for the holidays. In “How Caregivers Can Stay Positive During the Holidays: Drop the Fantasy, Lose the Guilt” she stresses the point that caregivers need to accept where we are in life, and that it is absolutely OK to simplify things as a result.

• Paula Spencer of Caring.com gives advice about interacting with Golden Oldies who have dementia or Alzheimer’s disease (she covers all stages), and the apprehension many of us feel about the upcoming holiday reunions in “Holi-Daze Made Happier: How to Hang Out With Someone Who Has Dementia.“

• Valarie D’Acquisto’s Pleasant Days for Elders blog has an article entitled “Wishing You and Your Elder a Pleasant Christmas Season” that reminds us our Golden Oldies run colder than most people and gives practical advice on how to insure they are warm and toasty during these winter months. She also includes a list of possible gift ideas for seniors at the holidays that can be referred to all year long.

• Caregiving.com founder, Denise Brown, offers an entire Holiday Survival Guide, which includes eight individual holiday articles on a wide-range of topics as well as an audio recording.

If you prefer to listen rather than read, you can load these five podcasts onto your iPod or mp3 player and listen while you’re on the go — recordings from the weekly “Ask Mr. Eldercare Show” at BlogTalkRadio.com. Martin Sabel, aka Mr. Eldercare, is the host who covers these holiday topics with his guests:

Home For The Holidays: Getting Ready To Visit Mom and Dad

What To Look For When Visiting Your Aging Parents Over The Holidays

Ask Mr. Eldercare About Aging Parents and The Holidays

Manage Holiday Caregiving Stress Before It Manages You

Before You Return Home for the Holidays, Do This

It is my hope that after reading or listening to these words of wisdom, you, your families and your aging loved ones will have a much less stressful and a far happier holiday season!

I like learning from you, too. What have you learned from your caregiving experience during the holidays?

Or please share other articles or resources about this topic in the comment section below. Thanks!

This is Part 5 in a series. Please see the bottom of this article for a link to the first four parts of the Family Caregivers Communication Class.

We take talking with our parents for granted . . . until our aging parents can’t speak any longer.

My mom gradually stopped speaking and since October 2007 she only utters a few words or phrases occasionally. When she does speak, the words are often unintelligible, don’t make sense, nor relate to the conversation around her. I didn’t know it at first, but this medical condition is called aphasia. I thought it was just part of the progression of her Alzheimer’s disease.

What My Instincts Told Me To Do

As my mom became less talkative, I found myself looking for different ways to connect with her. These are some of the techniques I’ve used successfully:

Have eye contact with your aging parent before you speak. This helps my mom to focus on my words and facial expression.

Talk slowly, enunciate clearly and keep your sentences short. Put only one thought into a sentence. When I do this, Mom seems to follow some of what I’m saying.

Aphasics haven’t lost their intelligence, just their ability to speak. They are like a baby who understands and responds to language even before they can say words, phrases and/or sentences. I think my mom understands more than she can express.

Be inclusive when you speak. I tell my mom about all family news, events and contact from friends far and wide. I’m not even sure she knows who I’m talking about due to her memory loss, but I share happy things with her all the time. In my heart, I think she understands. I also avoid sharing bad news, either local or global, because why upset her? In my opinion, it’s just not necessary.

Add nonverbal communication into your conversations. Many times I “cuddle her up” which means lots of hugging, kissing, and massaging. Even if we don’t talk, she can feel my love for her through the sense of touch.

Watch your Golden Oldie closely when talking with them. While they may not verbalize, be alert for other ways they are “speaking” to you. My mom will nod ever so slightly or move her head side-to-side in response to a simple “yes” or “no” question, such as “Do you want to look at this book with me?” Sometimes she’ll look away, and I take that as a “Not interested” response. She also communicates in different ways with her eyes — raising her eyebrows at people at times, or closing her eyes tightly when she doesn’t like something.

Even if the words are gibberish, the inflection in her voice makes me think she’s saying something important to her. I reply in a similar tone to reassure and encourage her. Sometimes I say, “Mom, I didn’t quite understand you. Can you repeat it please?” But she isn’t able to.

Bring visual aids to enhance your “conversations.” I often bring cards I’ve gotten in the mail, some flowers, a stuffed animal, picture books, or photos (both old and new) to share with her and focus our attention on together. Seeing something she likes will spark a few words at times.

What I’ve Learned About Aphasia

Aphasia is an impairment in the ability to speak and understand others, and people with aphasia may have difficulty reading and writing, too. While it is most common among older people, it can occur in people of all ages, races, nationalities and gender. The most common cause of aphasia is stroke; about 25-40% of stroke survivors acquire aphasia. It can also be a result of head injury, brain tumor, or other neurological causes.

Aphasia affects about 1 million Americans, or about 1 in 250 people. More than 100,000 Americans acquire the disorder each year. As in my case, most people have never heard of it until they are facing it with a loved one.

There are many types of aphasia. Some people have trouble speaking, while others have a hard time following a conversation. In some people aphasia is fairly mild and you may not notice it right away. In other cases it can be severe and will affect all communication skills — speaking, writing, reading and listening.

Through my research I’ve found the additional tips below from the National Aphasia Association for communicating with our aging parents who have aphasia:

• During conversation, minimize or eliminate background noise (such as TV, radio, other people) as much as possible.

• Other modes of communication can include writing, drawing, and gestures.

• Give them time to talk and let them have a reasonable amount of time to respond. Avoid speaking for the person with aphasia except when necessary and ask permission before doing so.

• Keep communication simple but adult. Reduce your own rate of speech. You don’t need to speak louder then normal, but do emphasize key words.

• Don’t talk down to the person with aphasia. Their intelligence is still intact; don’t let others assume they are mentally retarded or mentally ill.

People who have aphasia as a result of a stroke or head injury may recover their ability to speak and communicate in time.

Aphasia and Alzheimer’s Disease

The impact of aphasia on relationships varies from family to family. My mom’s aphasia is part of her progressive brain deterioration due to Alzheimer’s disease. She will never recover her ability to speak, because the ideas and thoughts that she could express are disrupted along with her ability to communicate.

When my mom speaks I wonder if she’s thinking “What the heck happened to me?” because her words don’t come out right. Or does she think she’s communicating perfectly clearly? I’ll never know the answer to these questions. She doesn’t appear frustrated, so in my heart I hope she’s not.

What has been your experience caring for someone with aphasia?

What are your tips on how we can better communicate with them? Please write them in the comment section below.

Click here to read the first Four Parts of the Family Caregivers Communication Class.

This is Part 4 in a series.

You can read Part 1 “Think Before You Speak” here.

You can read Part 2 “Speaking Easily About Difficult Topics” here.

You can read Part 3 “Dealing with Pessimistic Aging Parents” here.

I recently spent eight days traveling with my cousins and one Golden Oldie aunt, age 90, who is hearing impaired and uses hearing aids. On our trip we visited another Golden Oldie aunt, age 95, who is completely deaf and whose hearing loss, unfortunately, cannot be helped by hearing aids. While this experience is fresh in my mind, It seems appropriate for me to share some valuable tips about communicating with seniors who have hearing loss.

Start With the Basics

This is probably obvious, but it could have a big impact on your Golden Oldie’s hearing ability: Be sure their hearing aid is turned on, fitted and adjusted properly and the batteries are charged. Many people who use hearing aids complain that background noises are amplified along with the sounds they are trying to hear, so no hearing aid is perfect. But insure that your aging parent has been to an audiologist, is following their recommendations and goes for re-checks if they are having any problems using the hearing devices successfully.

Considerations Before You Speak

Make sure your aging parent sees you approaching so you don’t startle them. If they don’t notice your approach, gently touch them on the arm or shoulder to make them aware of your presence before you begin speaking. Do not speak to them from behind or from their side.

Once you have their attention and focus, stand or sit directly in front of them. Have your face at the same level as their’s. Positioning yourself 3 to 6 feet away is optimal for listening and lipreading if they are able to do so.

Check the lighting to be sure you are not back lit and your parent isn’t just looking at a dark silhouette against a bright background. Try to have lighting directly on your face and check that the sun or a bright light isn’t shining right into their eyes.

Reduce or eliminate background noise as much as possible (such as music, TV’s, fans, or other conversations). While this isn’t always possible, there are helpful choices you can make. For example, eating in their home rather than going out to a dark and noisy restaurant where conversation may prove difficult or next to impossible.

If you go out to a restaurant or event with your hearing impaired Golden Oldie, strategically choosing a seat can improve their ability to hear. When possible, my aunt sits with her back to a wall because that means that she is only bombarded with sound from 180 degrees rather than 360 degrees. The wall deadens the sound somewhat, and if there is some textured covering, it even can muffle the bounce of sound.

Face-to-Face Conversations

Speak slowly and clearly in a normal tone of voice. Do not shout. Do not over exaggerate your lip movements. Using simple and short sentences may make it easier for your parent to comprehend.

If your Golden Oldie doesn’t understand what you are saying, try rephrasing it in different words to get your message across. Repeating the same words may lead to frustration for both parties.

Try not to jump from subject to subject. Let your Golden Oldie know that you’re changing the topic and check to make sure your aging parent is then focused on the new discussion.

Write your words down for them to read. We used a spiral notebook with my aunt who is deaf. We would write to her, and she would read our words and then speak her answer. An unexpected side benefit is that she now has a written record of our visit and can enjoy our visit over again by reading the notebook. When using this technique, be sure the lighting in the room is adequate. My aunt’s living room is dimly lit and I suggested to the caregivers that they add a halogen lamp in the rooms she uses most frequently, so she can more easily read the words people write to her.

You can make up a notebook with pictures or phrases often used in conversation with your parents that family or paid caregivers can then utilize.

Charades Anyone?

Utilize nonverbal means of communication to supplement your words. Provide visual cues through your facial expressions and natural gestures. I found myself using “Thumbs up” and “Thumbs down” gestures quite often with my aunts last week if we found ourselves in noisy places. Even someone untrained in lip reading can enhance understanding with nonverbal clues they see.

It helps if you do not chew gum or eat while talking. Keep your hands away from your face, too. If your Golden Oldie clearly sees your lips, they can connect what they’re trying to hear with the visible lip movements.

More Important Guidelines

My Golden Oldie aunt’s constant message to everyone is that louder is not better. When people raise their voices the sound becomes distorted, incomprehensible, and even painful because of hearing aid amplification.

If your Golden Oldie is tired or not feeling well, their ability to hear and comprehend may be less than usual.

Be inclusive. Sometimes my cousins and I would find ourselves chattering on around my two aunts who had no clue about what we were saying. One of us would then take the time to either speak slowly or write to them to keep them included in the conversation.

Be patient and kind. It may take a little longer and a little more effort to speak with your hearing impaired aging parents, but it will be well worth it to reach your goal of having many enjoyable and meaningful conversations with them.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

~ Mark Twain

If you have any other tips or suggestions, please write them in the Comments below. I love to learn from you, too!

This is Part 3 in a series.

You can read Part 1 “Think Before You Speak” here.

You can read Part 2 “Speaking Easily About Difficult Topics” here.

“For every minute you are angry, you
lose sixty seconds of happiness.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The two previous classes covered skills and strategies for talking about serious topics with our aging parents. However, what do you do to communicate with your aging parents when they are difficult people in and of themselves? By “difficult” I mean aging parents (or as I call them Not-So-Golden Oldies) who complain, whine, think negatively and/or have a pessimistic outlook on life.

Being able to communicate effectively with them in spite of their complaints matters. There are important issues you need to discuss (and often decisions to make) at this stage in their lives, so how do you get past their negativity and have fruitful conversations?

Here are several strategies that will help you connect with these extra-negative aging parents.

It’s Not Always What You Say That Matters

Nonverbal communication is one component that can make a big difference. Research has proven that in face-to-face conversations, body language accounts for 55% of what people notice and believe about the person speaking. So when you are speaking with your Not-So-Golden Oldies, try to sit or stand at eye level with them, which sends a message of respect and equality.

While speaking, reach out and touch them gently on the hands, arms or shoulders as a way to reassure them you are actively listening and focused on them. A kind touch will send messages of both comfort and caring. And before you part, give as many hugs as you can, even if the conversation didn’t go as well as you had hoped.

Words that Work

Use “glad, sorry, sure” statements to reassure your aging parent. For example, “I’m glad we talked about driving at night not being a good idea any longer. I’m sorry you got upset. I’m sure we can figure out a solution that will keep you and others safe.”

Use “separately, first” to focus on one issue at a time. Sometimes your Not-So-Golden Oldies will try to avoid a topic by bringing up other issues and sending the conversation off on a tangent. To get the discussion back on track say, “I’d like to talk about that also but separately. First, let’s figure out what we want to do about this issue.”

Combating Pessimism on Several Fronts

Take a solution-based approach. Ask your difficult parent to come up with three potential solutions to their problem. This will help them to focus on solutions, make them feel more in control of their lives, and also neutralize the negative energy around them.

Find a new project, hobby, volunteer job or “duty” for your Not-So-Golden Oldies to participate in. Give them something to do that will result in success, praise and positive reinforcement for a job well done. Success will increase their self-esteem and create a more positive attitude. The more positive experiences they have, the more pleasant their overall outlook will become.

Make them feel good about themselves. Show genuine appreciation when they do something that helps you. Be lavish in your praise. If possible, give words of encouragement or pay them compliments every time you are together. Everyone has redeeming qualities, even your whining Not-So-Golden Oldies, so find something good you can compliment them on. Remember they are often dealing with strong emotions on a day-to-day basis that could be pulling them down.

After they’ve vented about their list of complaints, immediately say to them, “Now tell me something positive.” Some aging parents don’t know how negative they’ve become. At first they will be astonished at your request, but by repeatedly giving them this gentle reminder, they may realize they don’t want to be such negative people and start to be more positive — at least around you!

Practice Compassion

It can be very hard to be kind and compassionate in the face of constantly disagreeable parents. You may be able to make a positive difference in their world, even if it is only for a short time. And you could be the catalyst that helps them become more of an optimist again, and able to enjoy their remaining years in a happier frame of mind.

Practicing kindness pays huge dividends. Trust in yourself, try the different techniques given above with your Not-So-Golden Oldies, and let me know how it goes in the comment section below. Something tells me you won’t be disappointed.

What other techniques have you used in dealing with pessimistic Golden Oldies or other people in your life? Feel free to add your experiences and tips in the comments below.

[Note: People who are overly negative may suffer from depression. If you suspect that a family member is possibly depressed (beyond having a pessimistic attitude), have them seek evaluation and treatment from their doctor as soon as possible.]

Outside Resources:

Communicating With Difficult People by Deborah Mackin

Dealing with Difficult People: 27 Secrets & Strategies You Can Apply Today by Colleen Kettenhofen

Dealing With The Negative People In Your Life by Alex Landis

On Saturday I received an interesting email from Ryan at Inside Assisted Living about an online survey he is conducting on the levels of knowledge, attitudes and preparedness family caregivers have about assisted living. In his words, “this is the only survey of its kind — one that takes a ‘by families, for families’ approach.” (Italics added.)

Who is Ryan?

He is a 36 year old man whose mother had a stroke in 2005 and as a result was thrust into the role of family caregiver overnight. You can read his caregiving story here. I had never heard of Ryan or his blog before, but these words jumped off the page at me:

“While I found much advice on medical conditions and treatment, I found virtually nothing on understanding assisting living. Sure there were some websites that taught you the basics, like “make sure a nurse is on duty” or “make sure the kitchen is clean”. But this is my mom and I wanted far better for her. I wasn’t putting her away, I was giving her assistance.” (Italics added.)

He created his blog to prepare families for the multi-faceted transitions that occur when Golden Oldies move from independent to assisted living. He wants “to share with you some of what I learned in hopes of making it easier for you and your mom, dad, relative or loved one.” Sounds familiar, don’t you think? Of course I wanted to help!

What Can You Do?

Ryan released his Family Attitudes and Preparedness Survey on August 7, 2008 and already has over 130 responses! His goal is to collect several hundred responses over the next 30 days. Ryan will be sending out a report by mid-September with the survey results as a way of thanking those who participate. I took the survey, and it took me exactly 15 minutes to complete — time very well spent in my opinion. Won’t you do the same?

“According to the Coalition to Protect Choice in Senior Living (CPCSL), 84 percent of Americans over the age of 50 expect an immediate family member to move into a senior living community within the next 10 years, while 24 percent over the age of 65 expect the same for themselves.”

This is the link to get more details and/or to take the survey: Family Attitudes and Preparedness Survey

Please take a few minutes to complete the survey and give Ryan a hand. If you aren’t in the demographic he is surveying, perhaps you can forward this request to friends, relatives or colleagues who are.

Ryan, welcome to the TLeC community!

And thanks in advance from Ryan and myself!

Warmly,

Linda