Role Reversal or Becoming Your Aging Parents’ Parent
If we are lucky enough, we will each become our aging parents’ parent.
I know that sounds funny, but it happens to most of us as our parents grow older and need more assistance.
In my case, it started abruptly. I was a living across the country from my folks. We spoke on the phone often and both my husband and I valued their opinion when it came to important decisions we were making.
During one of our phone conversations, I explained to my parents in detail a real estate transaction we were considering. Instead of the usual discussion we might have had with them, the matter-of-fact reply I got this time was, “We’re sure you’ll do what is best.” End of discussion. I thought, “Hmmm, that’s strange.”
Looking back I see now that it was the first turning point in our relationship when our roles began to reverse. For whatever reason, they felt out of their comfort zone giving us advice, and I knew from then on that I couldn’t count on them for input into major life decisions.
Our parent-child “flip flop” happened gradually in a few stages. Part Two was when my Dad decided, practically overnight, that they would move from Florida to California to live closer to us. (I’m pretty sure this was prompted by my Mom’s decline due to Alzheimer’s Disease, but he never told me the reason why he made the decision at that time in particular.) I flew to Florida to help them pack, ship their belongings and fly cross-country together to their new home. My Dad was happy I could handle all of their moving and travel arrangements. And I was happy they were going to be living nearby so I wouldn’t have to be a long distance family caregiver.
I knew our role reversal was complete when my Dad fell, broke his hip and needed hip replacement surgery. During his recovery I paid all of their bills and when he got home, he never asked for his checkbook back. This clearly told me that I was fully in the parent role now, because giving up their financial recordkeeping would never have happened otherwise. Looking at the state his checkbook was in, I think he was probably relieved at that point to be free of this chore. I realize, too, that I was fortunate I didn’t have to battle with him over this issue, as many adult children of aging parents do.
What was your “Aha! moment” when you realized that you reversed roles with your aging parents? Is there one moment in time where it hit you, or did it happen gradually as it did to me? Do you think there are ways you can prepare for this new “parenting” role?
Let’s discuss. I welcome your comments below.
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11 Responses to “Role Reversal or Becoming Your Aging Parents’ Parent”
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As a single mom with two teen age daughters i am the poster child for the typical “sandwich generation” woman. the moment i knew the parent/child reversal happened was when my dad passed on and my mom needed help caring for her house and her health. I love her dearly and though it is very challenging every moment with her is cherished.
http://www.leopardpride.com/category/family/parents
Hi Kerri,
Welcome to TLeC!
I just read the post on your blog that you linked to above. How beautiful and touching! You may enjoy this book, “Designated Daughter: The Bonus Years with Mom,” by D.G. Fulford with Phyllis Greene, as that is the role you are in, too. D.G. also writes a “DD” column at Woman’s Day online. It certainly is a challenging time of life, but one we are lucky to experience. Keep up the great job you are doing caring for two generations!
Hope you come back here to share again!
I came upon the role reversal rather abruptly. It has been challenging and stressful. I have a 20 yr old daughter in college, have been a single parent for over 12 yrs now, and just as I thought aha a bit of freedom, Dang here i am caring for not just one , but 2 aging parents. They have been married for 56 years, although i am not an only child, i feel like one. But that is ok, because as i sit here today at dad’s bedside, in the hospital once again, I know that I would not have it any other way. I resigned my professional job about 6 months ago to care for them full time. I am glad that I am here for them as they were always here for me. My only hope is that I can help make this last journey for them a bit more comfortable.
Hi Angie,
Welcome to TLeC! Your parents are fortunate to have such a loving daughter and your daughter has an excellent role model. You made a difficult decision to leave your professional life for the job of a full time caregiver, but you have your values and priorities straight in my opinion. Thank you for caring so deeply about your two “Golden Oldies” to make that choice and proceeding with gratitude on your caregiving journey. If I can help in any way, please don’t hesitate to ask.
I am now making dinner for them and making sure my mother eats her lunch. I have just arranged home care for my mother so that my father can go outside in the garden in the summer for a few hours for a break from being inside the house making sure my mother doesn’t burn something on the stove or fall down. They never asked, I just knew one day last month that the time had arrived and there wasn’t much conversation from them – I am happy to do it for them, but I just want to cry everytime I prepare their meals….we are at that last stage of life finally.
Dear Heather,
While this stage of life can be sad or painful, there is also much joy to be gained by being a loving caregiver. You won’t regret this time spent with them. Cherish every minute, even if some of it will be stressful. Thank you for caring so much about your parents’ welfare. They are so very fortunate to have you as their daughter! Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. Caregivers are very good at not caring for themselves, so please don’t fall into that trap. Hope you’ll come back here for assistance and support as your journey unfolds. Thanks for sharing!
I too am being the care giver to not only both my parents, but my handicapped sister that has been dependent on my parents. They really spoiled her. My mother has broken her elbow & hip from falls but now is doing okay . She has heart problems and tires easily and her mind isn’t what it use to be. My Dad on the other hand has everything wrong , now he is showing signs of vascular dementia and this is when I knew I had to give up my job. I have brothers , but they don’t help and very seldom do they call or come over.I sometime feel the stress , but I have been getting my parents outside their home and really enjoying simple moments with them. I’ve been told I would never regret the sacrifice I’ve made for my parents to keep them in their home and feeling secure.
Dear Pat,
Welcome to TLeC! It sounds like your heart and mind are in the right place. Hang in there! Be sure to give yourself breaks when you start feeling the stress. You won’t be any good to your parents if you’re not 100%!
They are so very lucky to have you as their caregiver. And, you truly won’t regret these precious times you share with them. Difficult, but precious!
How do you handle it when your mentally able parent becomes single and starts to act like a rebellious teenager? I was prepared mentally for helping take over bills and being the health care liaison but I was not prepared to have discussions about the rapidly rising rate of STD’s in the elderly and common sense safety discussions. This has really thrown me for a loop. Any advice would be helpful.
Dear Anonymous,
Welcome to TLeC! I appreciate your very frank question. Since I don’t know if it is your mother or father you’re concerned about, my answer isn’t as complete as it could be, but I’ll do my best. (I do believe your approach would be different if you were talking with your mom vs. your dad.)
If you feel uncomfortable discussing such intimate topics with your parent on your own, perhaps you can call his/her doctor before their next regular appointment and ask the MD (or someone on his/her staff) to speak with your parent about the issues that worry you. Or, is there another close family friend or family member you and your parent have in common that you can tell your concerns to, and ask if they might help you to at least start the discussion with your parent on this topic — if not do it themselves? Your parent may be more amenable to hearing it from someone of their own generation than from their daughter.
Another thought is to cut out a newspaper or magazine article on the topic and casually share it with them as a way to start this discussion. And, if you have teens or pre-teens in your immediate family, you can open the discussion relating it to the younger generation and then mention the news items you’ve been reading about older adults needing to be careful of STD’s as well. Then take it from there, based on how your parent reacts.
This may need to be done in a series of briefer discussions, rather than trying to cover everything at once! You may want to read my posts on Communication (see category listing in right sidebar) about how to best have difficult discussions on any topic with your aging parent.
Hope these possible approaches will work for your particular situation. You are absolutely correct in wanting to make your parent aware of the safety issues of their sexuality! They are lucky you are such a concerned daughter. Thank you for caring about your parent’s welfare so deeply.