Role Reversal or Becoming Your Aging Parents’ Parent

If we are lucky enough, we will each become our aging parents’ parent. 

I know that sounds funny, but it happens to most of us as our parents grow older and need more assistance. 

In my case, it started abruptly.  I was a living across the country from my folks.  We spoke on the phone often and both my husband and I valued their opinion when it came to important decisions we were making.

During one of our phone conversations, I explained to my parents in detail a real estate transaction we were considering.  Instead of the usual discussion we might have had with them, the matter-of-fact reply I got this time was, “We’re sure you’ll do what is best.”  End of discussion.  I thought, “Hmmm, that’s strange.” 

Looking back I see now that it was the first turning point in our relationship when our roles began to reverse.  For whatever reason, they felt out of their comfort zone giving us advice, and I knew from then on that I couldn’t count on them for input into major life decisions. 

Our parent-child “flip flop” happened gradually in a few stages.  Part Two was when my Dad decided, practically overnight, that they would move from Florida to California to live closer to us.  (I’m pretty sure this was prompted by my Mom’s decline due to Alzheimer’s Disease, but he never told me the reason why he made the decision at that time in particular.)  I flew to Florida to help them pack, ship their belongings and fly cross-country together to their new home.  My Dad was happy I could handle all of their moving and travel arrangements.  And I was happy they were going to be living nearby so I wouldn’t have to be a long distance family caregiver. 

I knew our role reversal was complete when my Dad fell, broke his hip and needed hip replacement surgery.  During his recovery I paid all of their bills and when he got home, he never asked for his checkbook back.  This clearly told me that I was fully in the parent role now, because giving up their financial recordkeeping would never have happened otherwise.  Looking at the state his checkbook was in, I think he was probably relieved at that point to be free of this chore.  I realize, too, that I was fortunate I didn’t have to battle with him over this issue, as many adult children of aging parents do.

What was your “Aha! moment” when you realized that you reversed roles with your aging parents?  Is there one moment in time where it hit you, or did it happen gradually as it did to me?  Do you think there are ways you can prepare for this new “parenting” role? 

Let’s discuss.  I welcome your comments below.