Comments on: Please Don’t Ask Family Caregivers This Question!

By: Linda Abbit

Linda Abbit — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 18:55:39 +0000

Dear Valerie,

I’m sorry I’ve taken this long to reply to your heartbreaking (yes!) comment, but if you’ve read my posts from the beginning of May I’m sure you will understand.

It is very difficult to be a family caregiver under the circumstances you describe. Do you have an Alzheimer’s Association chapter nearby where you can find counseling and support for free? If not, call their hotline (open 24/7) at 1-800-272-3900 and get connected with a counselor there by phone. Other people are in the same predicament, or have been, and can help ease the pain and suggest coping strategies.

As just a start — Try to keep in mind, despite the hurt, all of the unconditional love your mom gave you when you were too little to really know who she was. And now the roles are reversed . . . sad, but it’s often a reality for caregivers of dementia patients.

And one other tip, if the nastiness is too much to bear, it’s OK to leave the room and take a breather, as long as she is left in a safe environment. Do something to refresh yourself and hopefully by the time you return your mom has gotten distracted onto another topic.

I know this is a complex issue, so I hope this is just the beginning of help for you. I truly urge you to contact the Alzheimer’s Association — an excellent free community resource — in person, on the phone, and also online: http://www.alz.org

By: Valerie

Valerie — Fri, 22 May 2009 04:13:07 +0000

Mom started confusing me with my sis about 2 1/2 years ago. About 18 months ago she hit the stage where she didn’t always know who I was but as I joked with friends, was consistantly nicer to a perceived stranger than to her own daughter(and we had spent our lives as BFFs) Unfortunately moderate stage has brought aggression and agitation. Now I have moved in with mom and she has no idea who I am…ever. In fact, one day in frustration I said…mom, why do you treat me like this? I’m your daughter” And she kindly pointed out that she doesn’t have any children but was sorry if that was what I wished for. Bottom there are worse things than not being remembered. There is nastiness from a loved one. Heart breaking.

By: rummuser

rummuser — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 01:52:38 +0000

Mary, you did the right thing. That person and you were not in the same wave length and it just came out at the appropriate time.

By: Linda Abbit

Linda Abbit — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 04:42:13 +0000

Hi rummuser,

Yes — It’s worse when they actually have the nerve to ask that right in front of our Golden Oldie. How utterly thoughtless. Humor is a good way to respond. I wish I could think that quickly on my feet.

Hi Mary,

Ouch! What a completely insensitive statement your “friend” blurted out. How cruel people can be, and how stupid as well. How can they think things like that, let alone say them. (cringe!)

By: Mary

Mary — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 17:45:20 +0000

I’ve never been asked that question about my mother-in-law by strangers, but have had the conversation with family members.

I guess in our society anything out of the norm is fair game in some people’s books. I remember someone asking me what “good” my handicapped sister was since she couldn’t be a productive member of society.

I had known this person for years and thought we were close friends, but could no longer pursue the friendship after discussing it further and seeing she would never get it.

By: rummuser

rummuser — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 16:31:58 +0000

Yes, because my wife has trouble remembering names of even people she keeps meeting regularly and depends on me to provide the prompting. This is classic dementia of a type. Naturally, I am asked if she remembers my name or our son’s and there are times when I feel like snapping. I have however found it better to joke about it and have a couple of jokes that I use to change the subject. I am yet to understand what prompts people to ask this question when they know that it is a deeply personal matter. I suppose that people will be people!