Only Children vs. Siblings as Family Caregivers — A Debate
A debate I hear discussed often amongst family caregivers is the question: Who has it easier as family caregivers — only children or siblings working together as a team?
The Only Child Perspective
As an only child with over ten years of caregiving experience, I want to share my perspective. The best part of being an only child family caregiver is that no one questions what you are doing, nor what money you are spending, nor what decisions you are making about your aging parents’ care — past, present or future.
The down side of being an only child caregiver is that all of the responsibilities and decisions are on your shoulders 24/7. Yes, you may have close friends or relatives you can consult with on certain topics, but ultimately, you are alone in your decision making. You also juggle ALL the roles a family caregiver must take on. You are whom your aging parents or relatives rely on completely for help. You don’t get time off. That can be a very heavy burden for one person to carry.
The Sibling Perspective
From an only child’s point of view, I think it would be advantageous to have siblings to share caregiving with.
Some siblings manage to work beautifully together as a team caring for their Golden Oldies. They each have certain personality strengths and divide the duties accordingly. Or, if one lives closer to their aging parents than the other(s), they take on certain responsibilities while the other sibling(s) take on roles that can be accomplished best from where they live. For example, the closer sibling takes mom or dad to doctors’ appointments, while another sibling living further away is in charge of health insurance claims or on line bill paying (or any duty that is more paperwork intensive).
This arrangement sounds ideal. However, the more I hear siblings talk, the more complaints I hear. Most siblings have a hard time overall working together as caregivers.
Some issues that have been raised by siblings include:
- Siblings aren’t happy with the division of labor involved in caregiving. “He doesn’t do anything, while I have to do so much for mom and dad.”
- Siblings question how their parents’ money is being spent, both now and how it should be managed for the future. “Why did she buy her that new outfit? We need to save Mom’s money for health care costs that she may face.”
- Siblings each have their own unique perspective on what is “best” for their Golden Oldies as they age and it is hard, if not impossible, to come to a consensus on important decisions. “She thinks Dad can still live on his own, but I’m really worried about his safety if he continues living alone in his apartment.”
- Siblings, while on the surface are working together, often take “pot shots” at each other, harking back to older, unresolved issues they had as children. “It’s great how you’re helping mom and dad and I really appreciate it, but I think it’s because you’re the ‘baby’ and have always been tied to their apron strings.” Ouch!!
So, maybe it’s best that I am an only child caregiver after all . . .
Now I Want to Know . . .
Are you a family caregiver living either of these scenarios?
If you’re an only child are you pleased to be the sole caregiver, or do you wish you had siblings to help out?
Are you and your siblings going through these issues presently? Have you been able to work it out and become a caregiving team? How are you dealing with it?
Please share your insights in the comments section below.
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I have three older brothers who don’t help with caregiving our mom at all, so it is like I am the only child. I wish they would let her visit them for at least a weekend or week to give me some respite, but that is not going to happen. In their minds, their lives are too crazy, too busy, or too filled with other commitments to make room for her. I just started having some companion help come in weekly in anticipation of when my mom will need more and more care and in anticipation of a get-away vacation for my husband and I. She is fighting it tooth and nail – seeing it as babysitting and thus as a reflection of her competency. I’m wading through the emotions and her high drama, but the very loving companion and I are resolute and we will wean my mom off of being so dependent on just my husband and me.
I care for my parents who are in their 80’s and my handicapped sister who is 46. I also have an older sister. My older sister is single and works full-time, but she helps me a lot by listening and does what she can when she can.
Things are calm at the moment, but during times of multiple challenges, she has always talked to me and asked hard questions to make sure that I wasn’t slipping into depression.
Hi Lori,
I’m sorry your brothers don’t get it, and won’t help you and your husband out. Maybe things will change as they see your Mom decline (I’m ever the optimist). It is very wise that you’ve hired a part time companion to provide TLC for your Mom and respite for you two. That was something I also did so my Dad could get a break from caregiving and get out a little each week.
Dear Mary,
Welcome to TLeC! Emotional support is a wonderful thing one sibling can do for another. Sounds like you and your sister are doing OK as a caregiving team. Take care and yes, be vigilant against caregiver burnout and/or depression.
Actually I feel I am possibly in both categories. I am the youngest of three daughters. I am 56, and my other two sisters 64, and 72! My Mother is 91. One sister lives as close as I do to Mom in the same town, but the other sister lives out of state.
I have been caring for my mother a long time. Dad died 20 years ago, and since my mother never drove, (lost her leg from complications from an auto accident) I was always running her errands, grocery shopping, doctor and any other appointments. I even did the grass mowing and other household chores. I really didn’t mind at all doing these things for her, but as the years are going by, the responsibilities are becoming extremely difficult. I really get no help from my sister that lives here, and the other sister would like to help, but there isn’t much she can do living in another state. I don’t even speak to my one sister anymore due to her lack of helping out. I also work full time. I really am feeling overwhelmed! I still am running errands, shopping, preparing meals, medications, laundry, household chores, finances, and anything else that comes up.
My health is beginning to suffer as I have several autoimmune diseases – hypothyroidism, pernicious anemia, IBS, and a few other problems. My hair is falling out either from stress or the hypo., and I can’t lose weight due to the thyroid problem. I am tired all the time. I get up at 5 a.m. M-F for work (8 hrs) and go over to Mom’s at least every other day for at least a couple hours, take care of her, and then go home 6:30 -7:00 p.m. and don’t usually get to relax til after dinner. Then it’s time for bed! I’m exhausted.
My husband takes care of his mother also. He has two sisters, and they alternate coming on the weekend
Hi Barbara,
Welcome to TLeC! From your words, I feel the stress and exhaustion you are under and since I’m not a health professional, first I urge you to see your MD to discuss your health problems and stress level with him or her. That’s #1
Here are a few other suggestions re the caregiving piece of your life.
Are there any other family members to give you some respite? Teen or college-age children, nieces or nephews or the husband of the sister who won’t help out? Or a good friend that can at least go with you to your Mom’s and get to know her and be there to help out on the days you just need a break. Maybe your husband or his sisters can even help at times, although they must have their hands full as well.
There may also be a local Caregiver Resource Center in your area that can provide some respite time for you in the form of a caregiver for a few hours per week. Or perhaps your place of worship can find someone to volunteer and help take the load off your shoulders. If you have the money, it’s OK to hire a paid caregiver for a few hours a week so you don’t have to do it all yourself 100% of the time.
If your mom is suffering from dementia of any kind, contact your local Alzheimer’s Association for respite information. Your doctor may also know some resources to find you caregiving help.
And give yourself permission to take a break. Tell yourself no one can be Super Woman and that you deserve a rest!!
Hope those suggestions help — or at least spark some ideas of your own. It sounds like you really need a break, and I want you & your husband to figure out a way to make that happen. Good luck!
Actually I feel I am possibly in both categories. I am the youngest of three daughters. I am 56, and my other two sisters 64, and 72! My Mother is 91. One sister lives as close as I do to Mom in the same town, but the other sister lives out of state.
I have been caring for my mother a long time. Dad died 20 years ago, and since my mother never drove, (lost her leg from complications from an auto accident) I was always running her errands, grocery shopping, doctor and any other appointments. I even did the grass mowing and other household chores. I really didn’t mind at all doing these things for her, but as the years are going by, the responsibilities are becoming extremely difficult. I really get no help from my sister that lives here, and the other sister would like to help, but there isn’t much she can do living in another state. I don’t even speak to my one sister anymore due to her lack of helping out. I also work full time. I really am feeling overwhelmed! I still am running errands, shopping, preparing meals, medications, laundry, household chores, finances, and anything else that comes up.
My health is beginning to suffer as I have several autoimmune diseases – hypothyroidism, pernicious anemia, IBS, and a few other problems. My hair is falling out either from stress or the hypo., and I can’t lose weight due to the thyroid problem. I am tired all the time. I get up at 5 a.m. M-F for work (8 hrs) and go over to Mom’s at least every other day for at least a couple hours, take care of her, and then go home 6:30 -7:00 p.m. and don’t usually get to relax til after dinner. Then it’s time for bed! I’m exhausted.
My husband takes care of his mother also. He has two sisters, one that lives 45 min. away & the other 1.25 hrs. and they alternate coming one day on the weekends to do shopping & whatever. They seem to be able to get along fine. Of course my husband is there every day because we live only 5 minutes from her.
Anyway, I really feel like the family doormat. My mother keeps telling me that I deserve more than a third of her estate after she’s gone, but since her will is to be divided equally between myself & my 2 sisters, I really don’t think she will ever get around to changing it, and I can’t do it for her. So, as it will end up, I will have 20+ years of caregiving under my belt and my sisters have 0. Does that sound fair to you?
I am an only child of a parent with Multiple Sclerosis. I don’t know how to feel other than confused. Not because of the sibling only child debate, but because my assistance is either drastically needed or not needed at all. I find myself wondering what my whole purpose is in life other than to be here for my Mom when she needs me. She loves her independence when it’s available, and reminds me constantly of my inadequacy as a caregiver, man, and son unconsciously or maybe it’s in my head. She has always depended on me from an early age for things that a son should never be responsible for. She is a very nice person, but the disease is the cruelest thing ever. There is no fatality associated with it, only chronic relapsing pain and discomfort. She has a life already established and is admired by most all for her tenacity and determination in spite of M.S. When she is feeling good which is still most peoples worst, she eagerly wants to socialize and move about. While I’m left home not having any where to go. so guilt about being home and leaving home are equally depressing. Most of my peers consider me shifty, uninspired, unreliable, unfocused, lazy, an opportunist, full of potential, but just can’t get it together. I pray every day for strength and the chance to live my life free of the burdens of caregiving. I beat my self up for feeling that way, but I know no other way to feel. There are so many issues that I could not begin to talk about, but enough about my life. I don’t wish this on anybody, sibling or not.
Dear Barbara,
I answered your post above before you wrote the second one that added a little more about your husband’s caregiving situation with his siblings, and also the part re the unfairness of the possible inheritance from your Mom. I’m sorry I didn’t see your second post until today!
I’m sure it makes it even harder for you to see how your husband and his sisters manage so easily in caregiving for his mom, when you have to struggle along with little help from your own siblings. Please re-read my post above about possibly finding others to help you out and also taking some respite time for yourself.
It doesn’t seem fair that you are going to have 20 years of caregiving under your belt, and your sisters won’t have done much if anything, yet you all will inherit the same amount. I’m sure you aren’t thinking of the inheritance as “pay” for what you are doing. The “bonus years” you have with your mom will be something your sisters will never receive. These are precious times that they won’t have to look back on and cherish (even though caregiving feels so very draining to you right now). That person-to-person caring relationship is worth far more than any monetary gain to come. Since you already seem to be that type of daughter, I’m sure you’ll agree. I think you need to find a way to take a caregiving break, and re-establish a positive outlook about being a caregiver. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’m sure you can accomplish it. You sound like a strong and resourceful woman. Make it happen.
Hi Lee,
Welcome to TLeC!
I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time in the role of caregiver for your mom. You ARE a wonderful son — don’t ever doubt that. In a space this short, I can’t begin to address your challenges in depth, but I can give you a starting point. The National MS Society has a website and within it is an area for caregivers. Here is the link to it — I had to break it into 3 lines to fit here, so copy & paste it into your browser:
http://www.nationalmssociety.org/
living-with-multiple-sclerosis/relationships/
caregivers/index.aspx
It lists books, articles and resources within their site to help caregivers of MS patients. If there is a local chapter where you live, go in there and speak with a counselor in person.
When your mom does go out — you need to force yourself get out and have a break, too, with no guilt! Perhaps take up a new hobby where you can meet new friends. For example, a few months after my dad died, I went to a dance class at a local recreation center, intending just to take the one class and check it out. Nine years later, I’m still dancing, and have made a whole new circle of friends in this great dance world. It doesn’t have to be dancing, but pick something you’ve been curious about or somewhat interested in and pursue it. It will be good for you mentally & physically to have some new interests for those times when your mom is occupied with her own activities.
As I said before, these are just a few brief ideas that hopefully will help relieve some of the stress you are under. Best wishes.
Hello! Just need a little support and a few words of advice …
Quick background: I’m an only child (age 67), divorced. Both parents are still living, age 93 – frankly, I feel blessed to still have them. Unfortunately, mom has a long-time personality disorder (since her childhood) – temper tantrums, irrational irritability, argumentative, etc. , emotionally abusive – particularly now to her husband (my dad). Her emotional status has been the “family secret” for years – she’s skilled at masking behavior when around other people. Two years ago, we moved the folks into an assisted living facility – the staff soon became aware – heard her screaming at dad, plus other behavior issues. Psychologist was called in for an evaluation. She has since succeeded in toning down her behavior somewhat- but continues with episodes of outrage, etc. At other times, she can be nice – especially when around others outside family. She is not always ‘nice’ to the assisted living staff. This weekend, she was hospitalized for psychotic behavior, rage – psychiatrists treating her are aware of her background … suspect this excessive outbreak probably brought on by a combination of prednisone prescribed by her GP, her delicate mental condition and onset of dementia.
My problem: have no support group – makes things hard sometimes, get a little stressed. My grown children (age 41, 43) are wonderful, loving kids – but rarely help with grandparents. They are busy with their kids, jobs, life … as they should be. Should I ask them to help more – or let it be? (Sometimes, even I don’t want to help with my parents – I can certainly understand why they don’t!)
Advice?
There is a common third situation. Siblings who live nearby but refuse to do anything at all. The sum total of help I receive from my brother and sister is their telling me that if I can’t stand it, put her in a nursing home. They will “back me up”. I expected to have the majority of care for Mom. However, I didn’t expect to have 100% of her care the last 9 years. What is worse, Mom supports them. I am the family doormat. That is my function in life.
I work full-time, but I no longer have any opportunity for advancement due to my caretaking duties. I dropped out of college 3 times to take care of Mom, wiped out vacation several years in a row and took leave without pay. My physical, emotional and financial health mean nothing to Mom, my brother or sister.
Mom also has behavioral issues. She thinks nothing of getting me up in the middle of the night to smooth her blanket, get her a glass of water, just to complain. It doesn’t matter that I suffer from multiple health problems, including severe insomnia, and that I have to go to work. I have had to go to work on only 1 hour of sleep. Professional and non-professional alike bring up the possibility of dementia. I say no. She has always been like that!
Walking away is not an option. People who walk away from their responsibilities are rats. The only way to take care of myself is to become one of them. I am not willing to do that.
I wish I was an only child. Then I would expect to do all this with no help from anyone else. I would also inherit whatever is left. Considering what I have done to my financial and physical health, both in the present and the future, I desperately need it! My doctors say that I have probably shortened my life by taking care of Mom.
When the time comes to inherit, my brother and sister will be right there with there hands out, demanding their FAIR EQUAL share.
There needs to be a cultural change in this country. Society should demand that children share in caring for their parents. If they walk away from their responsibilities, they shouldn’t expect to benefit from it.
First to both Sandy Kotz and Sheila, I’m sorry I’ve taken this long to reply to your comments, but if you’ve read my posts from the beginning of May I’m sure you will understand. OK, I welcome you both to TLeD and now on to my replies.
Dear Sandy,
I hope that your mom’s hospitalization is behind you and the doctor’s have figured out what triggered it. But, as you mention, you’ve been dealing with her personality disorder your whole life. I would certainly ask your grown children and any other friends or family you can for some help with your mom. And make it specific. Don’t just say can you come by to visit; say, can you please take mom to the (fill in the blank)appointment for me? It’s on Thursday at 3pm. Or, could you please do Mom’s/Grandma’s laundry for me every other week?
The second thing I recommend is that you get yourself to a support group. Contact the Alzheimer’s Association chaptere nearest to you. This can be done online (www.alz.org), phone on their 24/7 hotline (800-272-3900) or in person if an office is close by. They have many excellent support groups and/or counselors available for free to help families of dementia patients. If your mom does indeed have dementia, the Association should be a tremendous help. You might also ask your mom’s doctor (and even the hospital) if there are support groups they know of you can attend. Hang in there and good luck!
Dear Sheila,
I am so sorry about your siblings’ lack of assistance with your caregiving responsibilities. Many family caregivers experience this, so you are not alone. You have great strength to hang in there as you do, and to stand by your mom.
You say it isn’t dementia, but have you had her evaluated by an MD to be certain? If the diagnosis is any type of dementia, the Alzheimer’s Association can help in many ways (see above contact info I gave to Sandy) and a good place to turn for help. If not, I would also try to get at least a little counseling to help deal with your caregiving load via a referral from your doctor or clergy. I agree with how you feel about it not being fair, and hope you can come to peace with the family situation. Please know you are not alone, and find additional help online or off.