Family Caregivers Communication Class — Part 3: Dealing with Pessimistic Aging Parents

This is Part 3 in a series.

You can read Part 1 “Think Before You Speak” here.

You can read Part 2 “Speaking Easily About Difficult Topics” here.

“For every minute you are angry, you
lose sixty seconds of happiness.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The two previous classes covered skills and strategies for talking about serious topics with our aging parents. However, what do you do to communicate with your aging parents when they are difficult people in and of themselves? By “difficult” I mean aging parents (or as I call them Not-So-Golden Oldies) who complain, whine, think negatively and/or have a pessimistic outlook on life.

Being able to communicate effectively with them in spite of their complaints matters. There are important issues you need to discuss (and often decisions to make) at this stage in their lives, so how do you get past their negativity and have fruitful conversations?

Here are several strategies that will help you connect with these extra-negative aging parents.

It’s Not Always What You Say That Matters

Nonverbal communication is one component that can make a big difference. Research has proven that in face-to-face conversations, body language accounts for 55% of what people notice and believe about the person speaking. So when you are speaking with your Not-So-Golden Oldies, try to sit or stand at eye level with them, which sends a message of respect and equality.

While speaking, reach out and touch them gently on the hands, arms or shoulders as a way to reassure them you are actively listening and focused on them. A kind touch will send messages of both comfort and caring. And before you part, give as many hugs as you can, even if the conversation didn’t go as well as you had hoped.

Words that Work

Use “glad, sorry, sure” statements to reassure your aging parent. For example, “I’m glad we talked about driving at night not being a good idea any longer. I’m sorry you got upset. I’m sure we can figure out a solution that will keep you and others safe.”

Use “separately, first” to focus on one issue at a time. Sometimes your Not-So-Golden Oldies will try to avoid a topic by bringing up other issues and sending the conversation off on a tangent. To get the discussion back on track say, “I’d like to talk about that also but separately. First, let’s figure out what we want to do about this issue.”

Combating Pessimism on Several Fronts

Take a solution-based approach. Ask your difficult parent to come up with three potential solutions to their problem. This will help them to focus on solutions, make them feel more in control of their lives, and also neutralize the negative energy around them.

Find a new project, hobby, volunteer job or “duty” for your Not-So-Golden Oldies to participate in. Give them something to do that will result in success, praise and positive reinforcement for a job well done. Success will increase their self-esteem and create a more positive attitude. The more positive experiences they have, the more pleasant their overall outlook will become.

Make them feel good about themselves. Show genuine appreciation when they do something that helps you. Be lavish in your praise. If possible, give words of encouragement or pay them compliments every time you are together. Everyone has redeeming qualities, even your whining Not-So-Golden Oldies, so find something good you can compliment them on. Remember they are often dealing with strong emotions on a day-to-day basis that could be pulling them down.

After they’ve vented about their list of complaints, immediately say to them, “Now tell me something positive.” Some aging parents don’t know how negative they’ve become. At first they will be astonished at your request, but by repeatedly giving them this gentle reminder, they may realize they don’t want to be such negative people and start to be more positive — at least around you!

Practice Compassion

It can be very hard to be kind and compassionate in the face of constantly disagreeable parents. You may be able to make a positive difference in their world, even if it is only for a short time. And you could be the catalyst that helps them become more of an optimist again, and able to enjoy their remaining years in a happier frame of mind.

Practicing kindness pays huge dividends. Trust in yourself, try the different techniques given above with your Not-So-Golden Oldies, and let me know how it goes in the comment section below. Something tells me you won’t be disappointed.

What other techniques have you used in dealing with pessimistic Golden Oldies or other people in your life? Feel free to add your experiences and tips in the comments below.

[Note: People who are overly negative may suffer from depression. If you suspect that a family member is possibly depressed (beyond having a pessimistic attitude), have them seek evaluation and treatment from their doctor as soon as possible.]

Outside Resources:

Communicating With Difficult People by Deborah Mackin

Dealing with Difficult People: 27 Secrets & Strategies You Can Apply Today by Colleen Kettenhofen

Dealing With The Negative People In Your Life by Alex Landis