Family Caregivers Communication Class — Part 2: Speaking Easily About Difficult Topics

This is Part 2 in a series.

You can read Part 1 “Think Before You Speak” here.

Last week I recommended that you think before you speak about difficult topics with your aging parents. This week I am adding one more important pre-communication strategy, along with communication guidelines for these discussions.

Think About Your Aging Parents’ Perspective

While I call senior citizens “Golden Oldies” out of respect for their life experiences and wisdom, you may have heard elderly people say that this stage of life is not so golden by any means. Think about how you might feel when you reach your 70’s, 80’s and beyond.

Changes happen to their bodies, minds and lives that they may have no control over.

For example, worsening eye sight and/or hearing, slowing down of reflexes and thinking, some forgetfulness, seeing friends become ill or die, having less energy to accomplish daily tasks, or recognizing the role reversal that’s occurring as they feel less in charge of their lives and their grown children are making more and more suggestions!

How would you feel in their place?

Afraid? Worried? Frustrated? Angry? Depressed?

Keep in mind that your aging parents are most likely feeling these strong emotions on a day-to-day basis. Then perhaps you can open your heart and speak from a place of compassion as well as with your practical goals in mind for the conversation. You may find great resistance to your ideas, or resistance to even broaching these tough issues. And this resistance is probably coming from your parents’ emotions, and not as a response to you personally. Try to hold onto this thought as you navigate through choppy waters!

“Kind words are the music of the world.”
~ F. W. Faber

Do’s and Don’ts for Caregiver Communication

[Note: These skills are for conversations with your Golden Oldies who do not have any cognitive impairments (i.e. dementia, Alzheimer's disease). Specific skills for that situation will be covered in an upcoming class in this series.]

• Even though your roles may have reversed, do not speak to your aging parents as if they are your children and you are their parents. Speak with them as you like to be spoken to — as equals, with respect and kindness. Don’t use a judgmental or condescending tone of voice.

• Stay calm and don’t lose emotional control. Try to avoid arguing, even though family members are often most highly skilled at “pushing each others’ buttons.” If your parents object to your ideas, try explaining them again. If you recognize the conversation is going downhill, see if you can turn it around by staying “on message” in a positive way.

• Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements. For example, instead of saying “You should . . .” or “You’ve got to . . .” use phrases such as “I think . . .” “I was hoping we could . . .” or “I’d like it if we . . . .” This is another reason to think carefully about what you want to say before you begin and to rehearse your words in advance.

• Use the 3-F formula (feel, felt, found). Avoid using the words, “I know how you feel” because your Golden Oldies will be thinking, “Oh no, you don’t!” Instead, use the 3-F’s: “I can see that you feel anxious about moving into assisted living. I think Aunt Regina and Uncle Frank felt that way too when they had to move. However, they found that after a few weeks, it really wasn’t as bad as they had anticipated.”

• Acknowledge your parents’ objections kindly. Don’t counter a potentially negative response immediately. Use a verbal cushion such as “I appreciate your fears about turning your checkbook over to me to pay your bills . . . Can you say more about why you think this may not work out?” Try to get to the crux of their objections.

• Paraphrase and ask questions for better understanding. Repeat what your parent said in your own words: “If I understand you correctly, you’re thinking that . . . .” This can also be done with emotions: “I sense that you’re feeling depressed about this.” Ask “how” and “what” questions to try to get your parents to share more of their concerns. Keep a dialogue going by not asking questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”

• Practice active listening, which means listening attentively. Really focus on what your parents are saying, without thinking ahead to what ideas you want to respond with.

• When you reach a conclusion or solution, double-check to insure everyone is on the same page: “Am I clear that these steps, X, Y and Z, are what you want to do next?”

• You may have to agree to disagree and revisit the topic at another time. Finish the conversation on a positive note, with gratitude that you and your Golden Oldies have started a discussion about whatever the issue is. Be sure to leave them with kind words, affection and appreciation for the efforts they’ve just made in communicating with you.

“Never part without loving words to think of during your absence. It may be that you will not meet again in this life.”
~ Jean Paul Richter

What other techniques have you found work well when talking over tough issues with your Golden Oldies? Or with other family members?

Please add them in the comments below . . .

Outside Resources:

Communicating With Difficult People by Deborah Mackin

Dealing with Difficult People: 27 Secrets & Strategies You Can Apply Today by Colleen Kettenhofen