Family Caregivers Communication Class — Part 1: Think Before You Speak

A girlfriend recently told me she had “The Talk” with her mother as spokesperson for all of her siblings. To which I replied, “Cindy, exactly which ‘Talk’ was it?”

As family caregivers you will most likely have more than one conversation with your aging parents on topics that are uncomfortable or difficult to discuss. These might include hiring in-home caregivers when more assistance is needed, moving out of their homes into assisted living, giving up driving, facing medical concerns and end-of-life issues, making decisions about funerals, wills and estates, plus a myriad of other issues.

This series will provide you with skills and strategies to ease these types of serious conversations. Future parts of this series will cover: talking with negative-thinking seniors, how to talk with seniors showing signs of dementia, and how to communicate with seniors who have physical impairments, such as vision loss, hearing loss or aphasia (not being able to speak). If you have a communication issue with your aging parents you’d like me to add, please feel free to contact me directly.

OK, let’s get started!

Communicating Is More Than Speaking & Listening

When we think about communicating, two aspects come to mind immediately — speaking and listening. However, when you are going to speak about important topics with your aging parents, it would be wise to think things through carefully on your own before you actually talk with them.

Think ahead about what your goal is for the conversation. Become familiar with what your concerns and motivations are, so you can express them clearly. Do you need to learn everything about your parents’ financial status, or do you have a more specific need, i.e. do they have long-term care insurance? Do they need to hire in-home caregivers or should they consider a move to assisted living? Focus on the specifics of what you want to cover.

Consider why a topic is difficult for you to broach with your Golden Oldies. For example, many of us are fearful of speaking about death and dying, especially with the people we love. Think through your own fears or insecurities on a subject first, so you can come to terms with the ideas yourself to some degree. Otherwise your emotional reactions may get in the way of communicating clearly with your parents.

For example, about twelve years ago, I had to tell my parents about a possible life-threatening illness and surgery I was facing. I was so incredibly nervous about telling them the bad news! Before I broached the subject, I figured out that I was worried they wouldn’t be able to handle the bad news I was going to tell them. Then I realized that I was being ridiculous! They were already in their 80′s at the time, and had been through many struggles during their lives. They had already taught me by example multiple times they were great at “rolling with the punches.” By thinking this through, I was able to lower my anxiety greatly and made our resulting conversation much easier from my perspective. (And they were wonderful in their calm reaction and supportive response to my health problem too.)

Be clear on this point: Are you doing this with your Golden Oldies or for them? Are they able to actively participate in the discussion and resulting decision? If it’s a safety issue, they may not have veto power over the decision you see necessary. This will definitely effect how you will present the problem and possible solutions. Or decide if it is something that really is their decision and you’re just sharing your opinion about it with them.

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Bring notes. Do your research ahead of time to gather information you may want to present. While writing down your ideas, your brain “practices” what you want to say to your Golden Oldies. In this way you have the words to use in mind rather than reacting emotionally on the spot. And what words we choose to use definitely matter when the topics are emotional ones!

A letter can also be a way of easing into a hard subject. You can write a note ahead of time expressing your worries and your desire to have a discussion with your loved ones. This will allow your Golden Oldies time to think about the topic and gather their ideas as well. A friend of mine actually had her husband write a letter to her aging parents about her concerns, because she realized they had always communicated better with her husband over the years on important family matters.

Carefully select your time to start the conversation. If you know your aging parents are more energetic in the morning, you may want to see them then rather than later in the afternoon when they are more likely to need a nap. It may seem obvious, but catching seniors at their optimal time of day can help discussions go more smoothly. You as family caregiver should also feel well-rested and relaxed when you know you will be tackling a hard subject. Don’t start a deep discussion when any of you are feeling stressed or tired, mentally or physically. And select a place free of distractions or interruptions. Make sure there is ample time for the discussion and that none of you will have to head off to another activity or appointment.

Don’t rush the conversation to a conclusion because that could prove frustrating to you and your aging parents. As we age, it takes longer to do things, and that includes thinking things over as ideas unfold. This is especially true if it is the first time you’re broaching a hard subject. Many of the potentially emotional topics will need to be discussed several times before decisions are reached. Realize that fact going in and don’t try to rush your Golden Oldies into making decisions.

On the other hand, do not avoid conversations if they involve the safety of your aging parents or other people around them. It is easy to put off emotional conversations, but that won’t make the decisions any easier. Waiting will only increase the potential risk to your aging parents and others. And it is always better to make decisions beforehand, and not when you’re all in the midst of a family crisis.

Do you have any pre-communication strategies that you have used with your aging parents? Please share them in the comments below.

If you have any other family caregiver communication topics you’d like addressed in this series, please either leave them in the comments below or use the Contact form above to reach me.

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