Slow down, you move too fast.

You got to make the morning last.

Just kicking down the cobble stones.

Looking for fun and feelin’ groovy.

~  Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel

Lately I’m more aware than ever of how fast our society moves, and how we are living at an ever-accelerating pace.  People want and expect instant action, access and/or results in so many realms of life!

We eat at fast food restaurants.  We buy ready-made food at the market.  We watch movies at home “on demand.”  We drive 70 mph on freeways and pay tolls electronically via “FastTrack” devices.  TV news broadcasts nearly always start with “Breaking News.”  At Disneyland, the “happiest place on earth,” we purchase a “Fast Pass” to avoid waiting in long lines.  Immediacy and speed define our world.

We can be reached by phone, whether home or away — and now even in foreign countries.  Cell phones allow us to be forever connected . . . and the people who are calling us are asking for a fast response back.   If they reach an answering machine at our home or office, instead of leaving a message, they’ll call our cell phone — if they even called our land line to begin with.   And if leaving a phone message won’t suffice,  they’ll then attempt to reach us by text, email, or Facebook chat — thanks to iPhones, Blackberries and other PDA’s.  Immediate connections rule.

I fear as a society we are losing an important character trait called “patience.”

In business the same frenetic rules apply.  People have learned many companies are reachable 24/7 thanks to the internet, and customers expect answers to their questions or problems as soon as possible. A business person recently told me they answer all customer queries within 24 hours — and this is in an industry that is not “life or death” by any means!

As these business owners stay in constant contact with their customers, they are thereby training these customers to expect instant replies from other businesses as well, and not to be satisfied if they don’t get them.  An ever-increasing cycle of higher expectations and faster responses grows.

How does all of this relate to being a family caregiver?

As caregivers we need to realize our aging parents (aka Golden Oldies) don’t live in a world ruled by this accelerated pace of life.  While they may use computers or cell phones (although many don’t), they aren’t tied to them, and the instant gratification gained by using technology, in the same way baby boomers, Gen X, Gen Y and the millenial generations are.

As family caregivers, we need to be mindful of this and adjust accordingly when caring for or even just visiting our aging parents.  We must embrace the character trait of patience when we’re with them, caring for them and during our interactions with them.  It is necessary to shift into a lower gear when entering their world.  It is unkind, and creates tension in our relationships with them, if we try to force them to function in our much faster moving world.

It really won’t be harmful to our health to slow down for a day, or even for just a few hours, when spending quality time with them.  Enjoy slipping into their world  — where you can still find phones with cords, analog clocks, an AM/FM radio and TV’s that are large boxes that don’t hang on the living room wall.  Shut your cell phone off for a few hours when you’re together and enjoy the peace it affords.

Don’t expect your aging parents to move at a fast pace, eat quickly, or even think as  fast as we have become accustomed to doing.  We need to s-l-o-w down and embrace the easier, more gentle pace they live in when we’re around them. It gives us caregivers time to “stop and smell the roses.”  Yes, the amount of time we spend with them is important, but also how we spend that time together also counts.

Nike’s “Just Do It” slogan doesn’t cut it by Golden Oldie standards.  For their generation this is what mattered:  taking the time to make a decision, weighing the options, figuring out the best, most efficient and probably the most economical way to accomplish something.  Despite the fast-paced lives we lead, a slow and deliberate approach is still a good alternative to just doing it.

“We say we waste time, but that is impossible. We waste ourselves.”

~ Alice Bloch

Embrace the opportunity to relax and decompress with your Golden Oldies — don’t  avoid it.  They give you the time and space to do so when you’re with them — they are experts at it, so learn from them.    It gives you time to re-charge your batteries before heading back out into the  ever-accelerating, fast-paced world we live in.

And whatever you do, don’t make them speed up — ain’t gonna happen! Meet them in their world, appreciate and honor it.

You must have been warned against letting the golden hours slip by; but some of them are golden only because we let them slip by.

~ James Matthew Barrie

I’d love to get your thoughts on having patience in the comment section below.  For starters, do you or don’t you?

If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know I’m a huge proponent of intergenerational visits with our Golden Oldies. The Orlando Sentinel recently ran a story about an intergenerational event I think simply takes the cake — a senior prom held at an assisted living community, Summerville at Oak Park, and attended by “couples” made up of senior citizens from there and high school seniors from East Ridge and Ocoee High Schools in Florida.

Terri Glimcher, activities director at Oak Park, said the senior prom came about through “Bridging the Generations,” a program she started four years ago to bring together seniors and students from local schools.

I don’t want to give away all the details, which you can read here, but suffice it to say the prom was well planned and came with all the trimmings. It had a Chinese New Year theme, a multigenerational Prom King and Queen, and loads of dancing! The ages of the participants ranged from 17 to 96, according to the article.

Glimcher explained, “A lot of these folks never attended a senior prom . . . . It was during the Depression. They only had . . . shoes, food and necessities. . . . It was a big part of growing up that they missed.”

If your Golden Oldies live in an assisted living community, wouldn’t it be great to organize an event like this for them to participate in? What an incredible bonding experience it would be, as well as creatiing wonderful memories for all involved. Once these bonds are formed, it could lead to even more activities to continue “Bridging the Generations” as Glimcher’s program accomplishes so well. I urge you to read all about this cool senior prom in the original article.

What do you think about this idea? Have you participated in an intergenerational event like this? Please share it in our comment section below. (If you’d like quick instructions on how to leave a comment, click here.)

Update: Terri Glimcher has written here about “Behind the Scenes at the Senior Prom” including several photos.  The anecdotes about the evening brought tears to my eyes!  Enjoy!

I just got back from decorating my mom’s room at the board and care cottage for Hanukkah. While she was being fed lunch in the kitchen, I played a CD of Hanukkah music as I cheerily put up the decorations. For about two-thirds of each day now, Mom, age 99, is in bed in her room, so I decided it was more important to put the decorations up in there rather than in the living room and kitchen which I have done in previous years.

If you are planning to do some holiday decorating for your aging parents (and I hope you are), here are things I realized as I went along. The results look somewhat different than how we normally decorate at our house.

Decorating Changes I Made

Since Mom spends most of her time in bed, I put the majority of the decorations on the walls closest to her and lower down on the walls, so when she is lying on either of her sides they will be at eye level. I also put a few on the far side of the room, but I’m not really sure how well her eyes focus for distance, so the majority of the decorations are on the walls and closet doors closest to her or in her line of sight. I thought of the perspective as the “Bed Cam!”

I used the large-size decorations with bold colors on them because I think she will be able to see those more clearly than some of the smaller, daintier, pastel ones.

I bought a new stuffed animal to add to her stuffed animal collection — a cute Hanukkah bear that she can hold or cuddle any time.

Instead of real candles in the menorah (see photo above), I brought over an electric menorah that plugs into the wall and lights up. I don’t want to create any fire hazards in the board and care cottage!

I didn’t overdo the decorations; keeping it simple because Alzheimer’s disease patients could be agitated by too much stimulation (or changes in their rooms). Although at this late stage I’m not sure how aware my mom is of her surroundings, except for what is directly in front of her face.

I set the volume on the CD player a little louder than usual to insure she could hear the Hanukkah music from bed. (Years ago we had to take away her hearing aids because she would pop them out of her ears and start chewing on them, not knowing what they were.)

What Happened Next — Ta-Dah!

When she was finished eating, the caregiver brought my mom to her room to see what I had done. Unfortunately, she was already tired out and her eyes were closed as they wheeled her wheelchair into the room. Even though her eyes were shut, I told her I was there and had a surprise to show her . . . but she didn’t open her eyes. I stayed another 45 minutes, hoping she would wake up, but she didn’t.

Was I disappointed that I couldn’t share my splendid decorating job with her? I sure was!

Did I shed a few tears that we couldn’t share the fun of this together? I sure did!

Did I know I needed to change my expectations for the holidays as my mom aged? I sure did! And I thought I had this part down pat, but obviously I don’t.

So I’ll go back there tomorrow morning when she’s more likely to be awake and alert, and give her a “tour” of her decorated room then. One “plus” side of Alzheimer’s disease is that the decorations will be “new” to my mom every day during the holiday season!

Have you had to change your holiday traditions due to your parents aging? In what ways? How did you cope with it?

_________________________

Photo Credit: mamamusings’ photostream on Flickr

Last week I listed my concerns about Sophie the cat moving in with her owner, “P,” the new resident at my mom’s board & care facility. I’m pleased to report it is not a CATastrophe at all!

Here are the results of the Action Steps I took:

• The Residency, Service and Admission Agreement we signed when my Mom moved in has a Pet Policy: “It is the policy of the facility to allow cats, small dogs and birds into the facility on a case-by-case basis with the following provisions: Current vaccinations and a veterinary health clearance for the pet. All expenses incurred for pet care are the responsibility of the resident or responsible party.” This clearly states the new resident is within her rights to bring Sophie to live with her.

• I called the board & care’s Family Services Director and voiced my concerns about pet allergies, and they agreed that I had a valid point. Luckily none of the residents or caregivers at my Mom’s board & care are allergic to Sophie. However, the Diector agreed that in the future the allergy question must be addressed before a new resident moves into any one of their facilities. She didn’t have a solution about my son (who is allergic to cats) visiting his grandmother during vacations, but we will tackle that question in the future. We live in southern California, so they could possibly visit outside on the patio providing the weather cooperates.

• Other residents’ families were somewhat concerned about the cat roaming the house, but also felt we should take a “wait and see” attitude about it. As of today, we haven’t seen the cat outside “P’s” room during our visits there, so Sophie probably won’t be running around potentially startling the other ladies or causing them to trip over her.

• The four caregivers that have been on duty since Sophie moved in all say that the cat stays in “P’s” room 95% of the time and they can easily get her to return if she runs out. “P” has been feeding her and “P’s” son has been changing the litter box, so they do not feel having Sophie there is an additional burden on them.

I’m really pleased to say it looks like most of my concerns were “wasted worrying.”

I’ve gone into “P’s” room to visit with her a few times, and Sophie is usually curled up contentedly on “P’s” bed or easy chair. The positives Sophie brings to “P” (and potentially the other residents) by far outweigh any issues I had with her initially.

Welcome to your new home, Sophie! And I’m not kitten!

Animal-Assisted Therapy Programs

Some of my readers commented about pet therapy programs (or animal-assisted therapy) for residents in assisted living, board & care houses, and/or nursing homes. These programs send volunteers and their pets to visit the residents on a regular basis and provide many wonderful benefits for our Golden Oldies.

A bond formed between a senior citizen and an animal companion helps to:

• Lower stress levels
• Lower blood pressure
• Provide unconditional love
• Provide nonjudgmental support
• Increase social interactions
• Decrease agitation in Alzheimer’s disease patients
• Decrease loneliness and increase morale
• Encourage playfulness and laughter
• Satisfy the need for touch and to be touched

Who could ask for anything more?!

For further information about animal-assisted therapy programs, contact Delta Society, an international nonprofit organization whose goal is to improve human health through service and therapy animals. Their web site covers in depth the health benefits of animals, how to become involved in the Pet Partners Therapy Program, the National Service Dog Center, as well as pet loss and bereavement topics.

You can always create an informal pet therapy program by simply bringing your own pets to visit your Golden Oldies on occasion. And don’t be surprised if your pets enjoy it as much as your parents or grandparents do. Our dog, Shyanne, now runs to the front door when I say “Let’s go visit Grandma Aida!” She knows she’s in for tons of attention, petting, and dog treats from all the residents there!

Further Reading:

Therapy Pets: The Animal-Human Healing Partnership by Jacqueline J. Crawford, Karen A. Pomerinke, and Donald W. Smith

The Healing Powers of Pets: Harnessing the Amazing Ability of Pets to Make and Keep People Happy and Healthy by Marty Becker

This is Part 2 of a 2-part series.

Click here to read Part 1.

Previously I shared one of my pet peeves about senior citizens living in assisted living or board and care facilities. I believe way too much time is spent watching TV news shows that might create fears, or exacerbate pre-existing ones, that our Golden Oldies have about the world outside their doorstep.

What Can We Co to Improve This Situation?

• Reduce the amount of TV viewing overall. Talk with the facility’s administration about your concerns and request they provide different activities in place of TV viewing. Some residential care facilities offer arts and crafts, musical sing-a-longs, chair exercise and outings to local stores or restaurants. Some have a pet therapist come visit with their gentle dogs. Clergy can visit and lead religious discussions or short services. In some places community volunteers come weekly to read to the residents, listen to music, or be an extra set of hands for whatever activity they find going on when they arrive.

• During visits with family members, turn off the TV and engage your Golden Oldies and their co-residents in conversation or other social activities. The residents are usually thrilled to have 1:1 conversations with all visitors. (You will probably hear words of wisdom being spoken, so keep your radar tuned in!) Puzzles (pre-K or Kindergarten level) and simple games (such as tangrams) are also good ways to engage the seniors’ interest. A game of dominoes is always a hit! Even if they don’t “follow the rules” exactly, go along with whatever they do with them. I’ve used colorful dominoes to make designs or as building blocks with seniors, and then we had a hoot when their creations would come crashing down on the table before our eyes. Caregivers working in the board & care facilities have so many maintenance chores, for the daily upkeep of both the house and residents, they don’t have much spare time to engage the seniors in 1:1 activities, and hence, the TV becomes a “babysitter.” Any time you can spend during your visit to engage our Golden Oldies in activities is a real bonus!

• If you arrive for a visit and the news is on TV, ask the caregivers privately to change the channel to something less frightening. I’ve done this myself, until the caregivers finally realized how concerned I was about this issue and why. Yes, some Golden Oldies are weather or sports “junkies,” which is fine to a degree, but I truly believe the residents don’t need to see and hear the “breaking news” and major news stories normally filled with crime and violence. There are so many shows seniors enjoy! For example, who doesn’t love watching reruns of “I Love Lucy?” No matter how many times I watch, I still laugh out loud at Lucy, Ethel, Fred & Ricky’s crazy escapades. Don’t you? Chances are your aging parents will too — and reruns are on daily in most parts of the world. Another show the residents of my mom’s board and care really enjoy is “The Golden Girls” with Bea Arthur and company. Other alternatives are game shows, Lawrence Welk reruns, and currently the Olympics coverage (providing all is peaceful there as the Games continue). Many cable channels offer a broad range of alternates to TV news: the Discovery Channel, Home & Garden TV, and the Food Network just to name a few. And last but not least, I suggest turning on the cable channels that show old movies and musicals from our parents’ childhood. Or, you can buy DVD’s of these and donate them to the board & care facility to enjoy any time.

• Make a “TV Favorites” schedule written in large print and post it by the TV, so the residents (or caregivers) can easily refer to it during the day when deciding what to watch. In addition, if you notice a special show listed in the daily TV guide the Golden Oldies may enjoy, make a quick phone call to the caregivers to let them know the name, what time and which channel it’s on.

• If you find your Golden Oldies watching a news program you think could be unsettling to them, this suggestion from one of my readers is applicable. Her aging mother lives with her and her husband and they are unable to limit her mother’s TV viewing: “Since she lives with us, we try to compensate with other input, including laughing at something in the news story or the way it was presented to minimize its impact.” (Thank you for sharing this practical idea, Lori.)

So Where Do We Draw the Line?

Several readers have commented it would not be possible to either monitor or limit what their Golden Oldies are watching. Excellent point! Our Golden Oldies range from those still living independently with good physical health and sharp mental faculties, to those that are ailing physically and/or have dementia in varying degrees. The suggestions above mainly apply to those seniors who do not have TV’s in their own homes or bedrooms and do their TV viewing in a community setting with other residents.

I agree that we want our aging parents to keep their independence as long as possible, which includes watching TV shows they want to see as often as they want to view them. However, I also think it is wise for us to be conscious of how much TV viewing our aging parents do in general, what shows they are watching, and their reactions to them. Then take action as outlined above if and when you feel it is warranted.

Do you have any suggestions to add? Have you noticed any negative effects on your aging parents from what they watch on TV? Are you able to monitor and/or modify what they watch? Your comments are welcome below.

This is Part 1 of a 2-part series.

Click here to read Part 2.

As a family caregiver for over eight years, I’ve spent many hours touring or visiting senior citizens in both assisted living and board & care facilities. When I walk into the living room, one thing I am extremely conscious of is what TV programs the residents (or, as I prefer to call them, our Golden Oldies) are watching on TV.

My pet peeve is when I see the news playing on the screens!

Think about what we watch on any regular nightly news program — stories about violent crimes, “breaking news” that is negative in nature, live reports of car chases, shootings, bank robberies or child kidnappings, just to name a few. If it’s deemed a “big story,” the coverage will continue for hours with the same information being re-broadcast in a myriad of ways while reporters scramble for updates. And local news programs are on TV morning, noon and night. It’s really hard to watch any TV these days without being bombarded by news reports.

Several studies have shown that television viewing increases as our age does. One reason is that television replaces lost social contacts. Another reason is that as their senses get duller, it may be hard for seniors to read the newspaper or listen to the radio. In these situations, television provides both verbal and visual information together, especially now with the ability to enable closed-captioning on the screen itself. So there is a good chance our Golden Oldies are watching a lot more television as they age.

Consider how this affects our aging parents!

If they are watching more TV and it is filled with violence or upsetting stories, how do you think it colors their thinking and view of the world? My belief is they begin to believe the images seen on the news are occuring right in their own backyards, and that the world is a very scary place.

I saw this happen with my own parents, and I think it is the norm for many senior citizens these days. Just as we protect our children from TV news and violence, I believe we should protect our Golden Oldies from it as well.

Have you been conscious of what your aging parents watch on TV, whether they live independently or in assisted living?

Do they watch the news regularly?

Do you agree that these frightening stories have an effect on their perception of the locale in which they live? Do you think it changes their behavior by introducing a fearful vision of the world outside their door?

Let’s discuss. I welcome your comments below.

In Part 2, I will provide ideas on how to improve our aging parents’ TV viewing experience.

I was watching David Duchovny being interviewed by David Letterman on the “Late Show” one night last week.

Letterman said he had heard Duchovny was moving to New York and asked why?

Duchovny answered with a perfectly straight face, “Old people . . . . I hear NY has great old people.”  He then continued, “My wife (actor Tea Leoni) and I realized that we could go for a year in Los Angeles without my kids ever seeing old people.”

His answer shocked me, and also pleased me!

The Part That Pleased Me

I know Duchovny exists in the world of Hollywood, specifically Show Biz Hollywood, the land of stay-forever-young-especially-if-you-want-to-keep-working.  But I am very happy to see that he and his wife realize it is not a normal environment and want their kids exposed to “old people.”  My hunch is that their family’s “Golden Oldies” may reside in or near New York so it will be wonderful to live close by and give their children the opportunity to have lots of visit with the grandparents and vice versa.  You know I’m a huge fan of intergenerational relationships.

The Part That Shocked Me

I had to ask myself this:  Are there really geographic areas in our country such as Duchovny describes?  Could you go for a year where you live and not see “old people?”  Is our society that stratified?

Personally, I never experienced anything like this, because we always had many older relatives living near us to spend time with, both in NY and California.

What do you think?  Let’s discuss . . . .

When I was a teenager I resented my parents’ expectation that I would visit my grandparents nearly every weekend.  Although I loved them dearly, I found it uncomfortable when I’d walk into the main living room of the “Senior Citizens Hotel” in Rockaway Beach where they lived, because many of the other residents would watch my every move, listen to every word I said, or just stare at me! (Precisely what a self-conscious teenager wants.)

I didn’t understand why they did this until I became a family caregiver and visited my aging parents in their various living arrangements; first, independently in a seniors-only community, then in two large, assisted living faciilities, and finally in two small board and care houses.

I’ve observed firsthand that residents of assisted living and board and care facilities rarely get to see anyone younger than middle-aged adults around them!  The caregivers may be young (in their 20’s or 30’s), but the majority of the visiting doctors, nurses, lab technicians, activity directors, cooks, janitors and entertainers are the same age or older than the residents’ own adult children.  These living situations do not reflect the real world demographics the seniors have lived in all of their lives.

Yes, some Golden Oldies have grandchildren, great-grandchildren, neighbors’ or friends’ children who visit them occasionally.  But for the most part they do not see nor have the chance to interact with children on a daily or even weekly basis.  So, all of those years when I thought I was just visiting my grandparents, I was also bringing a slice of teenage life to many other Golden Oldies who resided with them.  No wonder they stared at me like I was from another planet!

My Mom’s great-great nephew, M, age 8 months, and some other family members came to visit her at her board and care cottage two months ago.  I was thrilled to see the oldest (age 98) and youngest members of our famliy meet for the very first time!  An unexpected bonus was that M was the center of attention for ALL of the residents during this visit with Mom and our family.  He very happily played on the living room floor while the other ladies present watched his every move and ate him up with their eyes!   And even this week, the caregivers were showing new visitors M’s handprint that was outlined in the Guest Book just for fun on the day he visited.

So if you know any children, from infants up to and including college-aged kids, who can take time to visit some Golden Oldies, please encourage them to do so.  And if you can arrange for intergenerational visits to happen on a regular basis, that’s even better!  Some churches and temples have an “Adopt a Grandparent” program for children to participate in, where groups of children visit board and care homes to talk with the residents on a monthly basis.  A little visit goes a long way.

There is another thing that, while being hard for me to fathom, I’ve personally observed.  Some Golden Oldies don’t have visits from their adult children once they are settled in their assisted living facility!  A very sad fact of life.  The children take care of their parents’ physical and financial needs, but are just “too busy” to visit regularly.  Perhaps they’ll come on a birthday or holiday, but sometimes not even then.  Since I became aware of this, I’ve made it a point to spend time talking with every resident I come into contact with when I visit my mother — just in case this senior is one who falls into the “No Visitors” category.  Sometimes I can’t do more than greet them warmly hello and goodbye due to schedules or logistics, but whenever I can I have conversations with any Golden Oldies who cross my path.  It pains me to think how lonely they might be!

And what if your aging parents live independently, but in a neighborhood with no young families to give them some intergenerational fun?

If you can’t rustle up some children to visit your parents, then take your parents to places where children are likely to be.  For example, my Mom and I go out “for a stroll” in her wheelchair to a local park in the afternoons (weather permitting).  She just loves to watch the children playing in the playground, as well as the many dogs being walked there.  Another suggestion would be to take your parents to a play, concert or sporting event at the local high school or junior high school.  The admission price is usually reasonable and I’m sure they would enjoy watching whatever activity the children participate in.  Go to a bowling alley, miniature golf course or an arcade, sit on a bench and just watch the children if your parent doesn’t want to (or can’t) partake in the activity. 

All is takes to make these intergenerational visits happen is a little planning and time.  No one deserves it more than our aging parents.  And the children will begin to understand why we call them our Golden Oldies.