Tender Loving Eldercare» Caregiver Stress

3 Ways Family Caregivers Can Maximize Their Energy

Linda Abbit — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 09:00:09 +0000

I read a very interesting guest blog post last week by Mike Davenport on the Men with Pens blog. It wasn’t written for the eldercare industry, but his ideas are excellent tools for family caregivers to put into their bag of tricks and use regularly.

Mike makes a distinction between time management vs. energy management. Most of us focus on time management in order to be most efficient each day. But he believes we should focus on personal energy management instead, and I agree completely.

Think Like a Power Company

Mike draws an analogy between everyday people and executives running a power company:

Imagine you’re a power company executive. Your top three concerns (if you want your company to succeed) producing, storing, and delivering. If you don’t manage those concerns properly, your customers demand energy…

… and you can’t provide.

… You need to make sure you produce, store and can deliver energy on demand.

As family caregivers, isn’t that always our goal? To have enough energy to fulfill our care recipients’ needs throughout the day, and often into the night.

Producing and storing personal energy is accomplished easily by most of us through eating well, sleeping well and getting enough sleep. It’s the third part of energy management that needs our attention, according to Mike.

Where we often fail is at the third concern, delivering energy when we need it. And this can have a big impact on the quality of our work. Thankfully, our bodies are great at delivering energy.

We just suck at scheduling those deliveries.

Three Ways to Maximize Your Personal Energy

Continuing with the analogy of being power company executives in charge of delivering energy:

Schedule deliveries around peak times. Think about when you have the most energy during the day. In the morning upon awakening, late morning, afternoon or evening? Really sit down and think about how you feel at various times of the day. For example, I know I’m a morning person, but my husband is more efficient accomplishing things late at night when there are less distractions. Once you figure out your optimal times, schedule your most difficult caregiving duties at those higher energy periods.

Use good fuel. As Mike puts it: ”Loading up on caffeine and sugar when you need an energy boost does perhaps give you a quick jolt. But it’s lousy-quality energy and is usually short-lived, followed by a not-so-pleasant crash. . . . Eat good quality food for fuel. Especially because there’ll be a time when you need that fuel – and it usually comes when you least expect it.”

Plan for unexpected demands. Like power companies, family caregivers need to plan ahead for times demands will be placed on your energy that you didn’t expect. For example, what if it’s the part of the day when your energy is lower, but your loved one needs some help? Mike says in this instance to give yourself a “special delivery” of energy:

Try a quick cat nap or a power snooze, say 10 to 20 minutes before you plan to start working. A little exercise, like a five-minute walk, might help boost your juice. Try two yoga moves to a good tune.

All these activities spark your power and produce a special delivery of energy for you to use.

But of course, special deliveries cost extra. You generally only have enough energy to get you through the day, so a special delivery of it means you’ll pay the price.

That price is usually a little bit less energy later on.

And an Additional Power Grid to Draw Upon

Let’s add an important piece to this analogy from an eldercare perspective. As family caregivers we also need to take into consideration the care recipient’s own power reserves in planning our days together.

For example, if you know your loved one is more tired in the afternoon after lunch, don’t schedule doctors’ appointments then if possible. Try your best to schedule challenging trips or caregiving duties during the times when your maximum energy and their’s coincide during the day. That may not always be possible to do, but if you can make it happen, do so.

Synergy is a great tool, and two people functioning with their peak energy times in sync are bound to create better results and more win-win accomplishments!

Have you used energy management as a caregiving tool before? Have you determined when your peak energy occurs during the day? When your care recipient’s energy peaks? Please share your experience in the comments below.

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Photo Credit: pandrcutts’ photostream on flickr.com

What Do Caregiving and an Empty Nest Have in Common?

Linda Abbit — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 12:00:11 +0000

Getting married and becoming a spouse.

Giving birth and becoming a parent.

Watching your adult children move away and becoming an empty nester.

Seeing your parents age and becoming a family caregiver. (Then doing it again possibly for your spouse.)

These are all major life transitions that schools don’t give classes in! Most of us never have the opportunity to learn the basic how-to’s about these long-lasting roles and responsibilities we take on during our lives.

I’ve been dealing with Empty Nest Syndrome

I haven’t written a new post here in what felt like a few weeks, but I see it’s already been six weeks! I apologize for my absence, but I’ve been wrapped up in my own family situation. I needed time away from TLeC to deal with and process this life transition. However, I’m back again to help and support all of you family caregivers and dedicated readers of my blog.

To further explain . . . .

Our son graduated from college in the middle of May and came home shortly thereafter for a few weeks of vacation before moving out-of-state to start his first “real” job. My world changed very rapidly and deeply. And while I knew intellectually it was all normal and good, I crumbled inside. I thought I had already come to terms completely with having an empty nest when he went off to college. NOT!! I was a weeping wreck of a mom for over a month!

How does becoming an Empty Nest-er relate to caregiving?

The transitions of becoming an empty nest-er and becoming a caregiver share many similarities. I hope the things I learned the past few weeks help you in your life transitions, too.

1. Being caught off guard by, and overwhelmed in, our new roles. Just as I was perfectly aware our son would graduate college and set off into the real world, we see our parents aging, but we don’t really prepare ourselves for the transition to being their caregiver. It’s not just happening to them, it impacts our lives tremendously as well. As family caregivers, our parents will rely more and more on us. As an empty nest-ers, the reverse is true — our children need their parents less and less. Both are the natural order of life.

2. Ideas vs. feelings during transitions. Sure, we all talk a good game about how we’re dealing with our parents aging process in practical terms, but aren’t we hurting inside? Doesn’t it make your heart ache to see your parents, whom you always thought of as strong individuals, showing signs of physical and/or cognitive decline? Isn’t it scary for you to watch them becoming more frail, and worry about what’s ahead for them? Isn’t it upsetting to think about their ultimate deaths? Even if you’re pro-active and have care plans in place before they’re needed, I don’t think you can stop these underlying difficult feelings — not if you’re human.

3. The importance of self-care. First off, acknowledge you’re in a funk and give yourself permission to be in one. It’s OK to feel sad and blue for a few days or even a few weeks during life transitions, but don’t fall into a huge depression you can’t pull yourself out of. What are you doing to get yourself out of the doldrums and back to normal? Are you talking with others you know who have already gone through this transition? Are you doing things to increase your positive thinking and outlook, such as reading books or blogs, journaling or writing positive affirmations to repeat each day, meditating, doing yoga, or getting some exercise? Are you talking with either a spiritual leader or a medical professional if they offer you comfort, advice and more? Are you finding activities (either volunteer or paid) to get yourself out of the house and busy again? What are you doing to pamper yourself and pat yourself on the back for doing a good job as a family caregiver?

4. Keep looking forward. Be aware of what future life transitions lie ahead for you. Read this post again and try to prepare for what’s coming emotionally so you’re not taken by surprise as I was when the Empty Nest syndrome hit me like a ton of bricks. If you’re currently a family caregiver, what will you do when your parent(s) pass away? Think about it. Yes, it’s OK to grieve, but after that, what will fill up your time . . . and your heart?

Life transitions aren’t easy but we manage to get through them somehow. We all need to lean on each other more, and ask for help when we feel we need it — from loved ones, friends, and/or medical professionals. We are all in this life and world together!

Have you been through a life transition recently? How did you cope?

And flip that question around — Is there someone in your world who is going through a hard transition time and would appreciate your help and support? Reach out to them today.

Please share your experience in the Comments section below.

No related posts.

How to Handle the Guilt of Caregiving — Part 2

Linda Abbit — Mon, 23 May 2011 09:00:45 +0000

This post is part of a two-part series. Click here to read Part 1.

I feel a little guilty for writing about guilt.

I haven’t been a hands-on family caregiver for over two years, but I still feel guilt over things I could have or should have done for my aging parents. So can I really offer advice to you about how to best handle guilt?

One thing I will say with 100% certainty is that feelings of guilt can be controlled, and may dissipate greatly over time, but these feelings probably won’t ever go away completely.

Placement Guilt

Feeling guilt over placing a loved one in a care facility when you, a family caregiver, can no longer care for them at home is one of the most common causes of guilt, so I’m going to focus on this issue first.

When placement guilt rears its head, look back and recall the living situation in your home before you placed your loved one. Stop and answer the following questions honestly. (Warning: It’s easy to idealize your “before” life, but don’t. Be brutally honest with yourself.)

About Your Loved One:

Were you able to care for him/her on your own 100% of the time?

Was he/she cooperative in the care you were giving? Or were they stubborn and/or combative at times?

Were they really safe from possible falls or injury at home? Could they be left home alone safely?

Were they accepting of outside caregivers you were bringing in to the home to help you?

About Yourself:

How was your physical and emotional health before placement? Was it deteriorating?

How stressed and worried were you then?

Did your life seem like it was spinning out of control?

Were you able to get a good night’s sleep? Any sleep?

Were you eating well?

Were you able to get a break from caregiving — enough to feel relaxed and refreshed upon your return?

Were you trying so hard to preserve your loved one’s dignity or the status quo of your family life, you were nearly killing yourself in the process?

Did you sometimes feel you were at the end of your rope?

Were you ashamed to admit you couldn’t care for him/her all on your own any longer?

Did you feel like you were failing your loved one, yourself or your family?

My experience says that if you honestly answer the above questions — and not paint a false rosy picture of what your home life used to be like, you will be free of guilt feelings by the time you’ve read to this paragraph. The safety and care of your loved one, as well as your health and peace of mind have got to be better now than the situation was in your home before placement — or you wouldn’t have moved him or her in the first place!

So, when those guilt feelings start creeping in, come back to this post, answer these questions again and remember what life really was like before you made that difficult placement decision. It may not take the sadness or loneliness away, but it should lessen the guilt quite a lot when you re-confirm the decision you made truly was best for both of you!

How I Overcame My Own Guilt

An example from my life illustrates how I handle the guilt I still feel because my father died alone. I was not at his bedside as I had hoped and wanted so very much. The exact circumstances about his death don’t really matter, just know that the guilt over this bothered me very much initially, and even now, six years later comes back to haunt me on occasion.

The hospice company that cared for both of my parents keeps in touch with bereaved families for one year following the patient’s death. I received various mailings and phone calls during the year after my dad died, but never took them up on their services of counseling, religious services, or holiday memorial events. Just before the hospice service was ending, I decided to make an appointment with the hospice social worker for a one-on-one session.

I sat there crying and told her of the tremendous guilt I felt about my dad dying alone. I had been with him so much over the last several years of his life and the three months he was on hospice, how could that have happened?! I was feeling like I’d let him down completely by not being there.

What I learned from her was that death is a very private experience, and that many people “choose” to die alone! She told me how many families will be at their loved one’s bedside, and then right after they leave to either get some sleep or some food, the person passes away while they’re gone. As she relayed this to me, I had to admit I had heard of this happening to other families I knew.

In my case, education helped me decrease my guilt. And when I think about my dad dying alone and the guilt begins to resurface, I remind myself that it could have been what he actually wanted.

What other things have you felt guilt over as a family caregiver? How have you overcome those feelings? Your thoughts are welcome in the Comments section below.

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Photo Credit: Jason Rosenberg on Flickr

How to Handle the Guilt of Caregiving — Part 1

Linda Abbit — Wed, 11 May 2011 09:00:30 +0000

One of my support group members recently asked me, “How do I get over the guilt?”

A few months ago she moved her husband to a board and care facility because she could no longer care for him by herself at home. Intellectually she knows it is the best thing for both of them, but the guilt gnaws at her.

Even though my parents died over two years ago, I still find myself thinking thoughts such as, “I wish I hadn’t listened to So-and-So about that particular decision and followed my gut instincts instead.”

The guilt hits me from time to time –

Why didn’t I make different (better?) decisions.

I wish I could have made their final years more pleasant.

I wish I had a magic wand and could have reversed their aging with a wave of my wand.

If I only had the power to do so!

Guilt is an inherent part of caregiving. What guilty thoughts do you deal with? And what do you do when it rears its ugly head?

I’d like to read your thoughts in the Comments below and I will share in a new post what I did (and still do) to combat guilt feelings. Thank you for contributing to this discussion.

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Photo credit: kelsey_lovefusionphoto

Six Reasons to Join a Family Caregivers Support Group

Linda Abbit — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 09:00:33 +0000

I am a huge proponent of support groups because I’ve learned so much and received comfort by attending them over the past 15 years. For the last three years I’ve also been a support group leader, and my life is enriched by listening to the people who attend my groups each month.

My first support group experience was in 1996 when I became a member of a breast cancer survivors’ support group. Shortly after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I started going to meetings, asking questions, and listening carefully to the survivors there. They gave me knowledge, different perspectives, and lots of hope. The experiences these women shared were very valuable, and helped me make decisions about what treatment options to select.

The next support group I attended was with my father in 2001 and it was for spouses of Alzheimer disease patients. I went because I thought he’d get something out of it, plus I thought I’d learn something too. But, just like many men of the older generation, he didn’t care for the experience, and we stopped going after several meetings. I still felt I could use a support group as my mom’s disease progressed, so I found and went to one specifically geared for adult children of Alzheimer’s disease patients. There really are support groups that exist for nearly every challenge people face!

Six Reasons for Joining a Support Group

Education: Whatever the support group topic is, the leader (sometimes called the facilitator) will be knowledgeable about it. They should also be ready, willing and able to research questions they might not have the answer for immediately and get the answers to you after the meeting via phone or email. Alternatively, they can report back to the whole group at the next meeting. The other members will share their own caregiving experiences and knowledge, too.
Empathy: This is one of the best reasons to attend a caregiving support group! It’s very common when facing any problem or obstacle to feel that we’re alone or that no one understands what we’re going through. NOT!! And a support group illustrates this in spades. All of the members, as well as the leader, are in the midst of caregiving. You can let it all hang out with people going through something similar to what you are experiencing. They truly understand your ups and downs.
Brainstorming: A good support group leader encourages members to help each other, and brainstorming is a great way to do this. When someone mentions a challenge they are facing, it’s beneficial to get tips, strategies and new ideas on how to deal with whatever you are having a hard time with. At one meeting, we used role playing to help members prepare in advance for difficult talks they will be having with their care recipients.
Resources: Often a support group leader and its members will be familiar with, and recommend, other community resources that can assist you in multiple ways. No one person can possibly know all of the local caregiving service providers out there — and more are starting up every day. It’s also good to hear other people’s feedback on services they’ve used, both pros and cons.
Friendship: I’ve seen support group members connect during meetings, and then exchange phone numbers to keep in touch between meetings. Often members who live in close proximity start carpooling to meetings and/or going out for coffee or a meal afterwards to continue the discussion . . . or just have some fun! Some caregivers in my support group have started a respite cooperative between them. They take turns watching the other person’s care recipient so the member gets a break or can run some errands, etc. It’s like a babysitting cooperative, but for caregivers. Making long-lasting friendships was an added and unexpected bonus I received when I joined my first support group back in 1996! Priceless.
Paying it forward: Many times people continue to attend a support group even after their issue/health concern/stage of life is over or resolved. ”Veterans” have lots of good information and life experiences to share with newcomers in any support group. As a leader, I value the commitment by these people to help and share with others as other veterans may have done for them. I’ve seen widows, widowers and children come to caregiver support group meetings after their loved ones have passed away to share that very difficult stage of caregiving with the group, and receiving lots of love and caring in return. It provided closure to them, and to us.

Selecting a Support Group

It is smart to “shop” for a support group that you feel comfortable with, from the physical setting, to the demographic of the membership, to the leader’s style as well as the meeting format. I’ve been in rooms that felt cold and were not a good fit for me. I’ve been to groups that were OK, but not great. There is a support group that is right for you, so keep going to different groups until you find it!

Give a support group meeting more than one chance. I would attend at least two meetings before I crossed a group off my “potential” list. You want to be sure your first impression was valid, even if it wasn’t necessarily a positive one. What’s an extra hour of your life when it could lead to a great long-term experience if given another chance? Other people find they enjoy going to multiple support groups regularly because each one offers something different than another — which is also an excellent strategy!

Don’t feel you have to go to every meeting to gain value from the group. My attendance at the adult children of Alzheimer’s disease patients support group went in waves. There were months I couldn’t wait to go, but then my mom’s cognitive decline would reach a certain level, things were at an even keel, and I wouldn’t attend a meeting for a month or two because I didn’t feel I had any pressing questions or issues. I returned again when the need arose.

Support Groups Online vs. In Real Life?

I’ve been involved in a different online communities and online forums since 2006. While getting to “know” people from all over the world online is certainly fun and gratifying, I’ve learned the best part of these connections is meeting the people in person! There is still something about face-to-face communication that has online interactions beat by a mile! This goes for support groups, too.

Plus, you can’t hug someone online, and hugs are an important aspect of many support groups! And especially as caregivers, we can always use more hugs! :-) For that reason (Hugs are #7) and all those given above, I hope you’ll attend a support group meeting for caregivers in the near future!

Have you been to a caregiver support group? Support groups for other issues? Are you a regular member of one? What have you gained through participating in them? Please share your experience with us in the comments section below.

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Photo Credit: Dee-lite’s photostream

Inspiring Quotes for Caregivers: On Support — 10/27/10

Linda Abbit — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 22:14:06 +0000

If you having trouble viewing this video, click here.

“I feel the capacity to care is the thing which

gives life its deepest significance.”

~ Pablo Casals

If you are a caregiver . . . deep gratitude for caring so much about the welfare of your care partner.

If you know a caregiver who may need some support . . . reach out and give it to them. They need care as much as their care partner does because caregiving takes a toll on a person’s energy physically, emotionally and spiritually. Thank you!

Inspiring Quotes for Caregivers: On Starting Again — 10/13/10

Linda Abbit — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 22:41:22 +0000

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.”

~ Louis L’Amour

Everything connected with your loved one’s care is going along smoothly, your care recipient’s needs are all met and your caregiving “work” is finished.

Then your loved one declines further via the aging process or perhaps a health crisis.

A new stage begins and a new start on your caregiving journey.

The best thing to do as a caregiver is to be prepared for change, because it is coming!

What is the next possible step you may have to take as a family caregiver? Have you thought about it, researched options, talked about it with your family or eldercare consultant?

What to Do After You’ve Lost Your Cool with your Aging Parents

Linda Abbit — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 05:00:22 +0000

We’re all human. We’ve probably all felt the guilt and remorse after losing our cool with our aging parents, relatives or care recipients.

Aside from feeling badly, what can we actively do to make amends after we’ve blown up at them? How do we begin to repair the relationship after a hurtful incident?

Making up may be hard, but not impossible, to do. Here are several steps to take:

1. Have a cooling off period. Let the dust settle before you engage them again. It gives everyone involved time to gain some perspective on what the issues were that set off a disagreement. This could mean several hours, days or even weeks depending upon your caregiving situation.

2. Change your mode of contact. If you visit regularly, you may want to simply touch base via phone a few times before another face-to-face visit. Or ask a sibling, spouse or adult child to take a turn or two with the caregiving duties. If you live with your care recipient, get away from home for a little while, provided they are safe to be alone for this period of time.

3. Before you visit your Golden Oldies again, resolve to arrive with a pleasant attitude and open mind about talking over the issues that caused the argument. Otherwise, it’s not time to visit them yet. You may also want to role play with a friend or colleague the scenario before you go there, to figure out how to calmly discuss the issue(s) with them. It’s best not to involve another family member in your role playing, as they may have their own emotional bias on the topic.

What If You Start Losing Your Cool All Over Again?

When you re-establish contact and visit with the intention of making amends, be tuned in and aware of your own internal signals. Are your Golden Oldies beginning to push your buttons? Do you feel your stress level rising again? If so, before the same argument starts over, it would be better to either leave or change the subject, rather than have it lead to another blow up! Try to remain cool, calm and collected as the issues are being discussed.

At the very first sign things aren’t going well however, either change the subject (“I think we all need to think about these ideas more. Can we continue this discussion another day?”) or leave gracefully (“I have to pick up XYZ before dinner — can we continue this tomorrow?”).

Then repeat the steps given above, until you can control your reactions more effectively.

I also suggest that if you sense your aging parents are becoming upset again, it may be wise for you to bail. You don’t have control over their emotional reactions, but you do not have to be subjected to any verbal abuse they may throw at you. If the same issues are starting to upset them, just stop and let it go for the time being.

As I left my parents’ home after a visit, I would often ask myself, if this was our final goodbye, would I be happy with it? I think parent-adult child relationships would be vastly improved if more family members asked this question of themselves.

Special Circumstances Apply

If your Golden Oldie has any type of memory loss, dementia or Alzheimer’s disease you must always be the one to apologize. This is due to the fact that they most likely

won’t remember the blow up; and

even if they do, they may not have the brain processing function to take the initiative to apologize

You must accept the blame when something’s wrong, even if it is a fantasy existing only in their minds. It is the kindest thing to do under the circumstances.

What techniques have you used to make amends after a blow up with your Golden Oldies or care recipients? Please leave your words of wisdom in the comments section below.

True Confessions: When I Lost Patience with My Aging Parents

Linda Abbit — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 09:00:34 +0000

In a prior post I acknowledged that in our role as family caregivers, we’ve all probably lost our patience with our aging parents or care recipients at some point. I also promised to share with you my own experience, so here goes.

I Never Lost My Patience (Part One of Two)

I was a long distance caregiver to my parents during the years my mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. It’s easy to keep your patience when you live three thousand miles away and the caregiving consists mainly of supportive phone calls and a few short visits a year.

About two years after her diagnosis, when my parents moved to an assisted living facility in my town, my mom was at the start of the middle stage of this horrible disease. Through the excellent free resources of my local Alzheimer’s Association, I had educated myself via workshops and lots of reading about caregiving for dementia patients. I was also attending a support group for adult children of Alzheimer’s patients on a regular basis which provided more insight and other people to share experiences with.

The knowledge I gained from the time my mom was diagnosed until the time she and my dad moved here armed me with an understanding and deep compassion for people struck by any memory-impairing disease. And while I saw my parents multiple times a week once they lived nearby, I do not remember a single time when I lost patience and blew up at either one or them, face-to-face or by phone. (I just checked with my husband and he couldn’t think of any incidences like that either.)

So How Did I Keep from Losing It?

OK, this was probably a wimpy way out (or at best, passive-aggressive behavior), but I would rely completely on my husband to interact with my parents for me when I needed some space as a caregiver. As their only child, I was their sole source of emotional support, and I thought it could be extremely hurtful if I was nasty, mean or rude to them. I truly didn’t want to hurt them in any way at this stage in their lives.

I did two things that stopped me from losing patience with my parents:

1. I vented to my husband . . . a lot! I would whine and complain whenever I felt the caregiving issues and duties were overwhelming me. As an only child, one comment I often made was, “This is just too much for one person to handle!” (Of course, there are pros and cons about being a caregiver and an only child, but that’s another post.)

I must also point out, my parents were always very independent and considerate! They never expressed a desire to live with my family and only did so for a few weeks when they were moving. I always had our own home as my sanctuary to retreat to. I don’t know how I would have managed had we all lived under the same roof — which makes me sympathize even more with family caregivers who do accomplish this incredible feat with aplomb!

2. I would have my husband “run interference” for me when I was reaching my caregiving breaking point. Jeff is an absolutely extraordinary man, and I have to publicly thank him again for being such a vital part of my caregiving “village.” There were times my father would call and I just couldn’t bear to deal with whatever question or problem they had. Jeff would return the call and handle everything for me when I just couldn’t do it myself.

One particular incident really stands out in my mind. I had just arrived at Disneyland to meet a group of friends (we’re locals and had an annual pass at the time) and spend the evening dancing to a favorite band playing there. (As I’ve written here before, dance is one of my major ways to relieve stress!) My pager beeped and I saw it was my parents’ phone number. I immediately called Jeff at home and he willingly returned my Dad’s phone call, explained I was gone for the evening, and helped them in my absence. Thankfully, I didn’t have to turn around and leave the Happiest Place on Earth as soon as I had arrived. I know how lucky I am to have had such a reliable and caring backup person on my caregiving team.

Do you have a family member, friend or neighbor you can ask to be your back up for those times you just need to have some time away from caregiving? And don’t feel guilty arranging for this assistance!

I Never Lost my Patience . . . Yeah, Right (Part Two of Two)

Ironically, I would lose my patience on the telephone multiple times with my parents years before I ever became their family caregiver!

I moved out to California in my mid-20′s and we’d talk on the phone about once a week to catch up. I would find myself very upset or angry with my parents by the end of many conversations. I remember wishing they would just leave me alone and stop telling me what to do!

These negative emotions, along with some other issues, led me to get counseling for a few months to gain a better understanding of myself. My therapist taught me a very important life lesson which I know helped me become a more patient caregiver when I took on that role.

The lesson was for me to change my perception of what they said.

It was to recognize that the words my parents were actually saying, which I perceived as criticism or telling me how to run my life, were only one surface layer. What I needed to learn and embrace 100% was the understanding that beneath whatever “negative” words I was hearing, what my parents were really saying to me was, “We love you!”

They cared about and loved me deeply. They weren’t criticizing me; they were suggesting ways I could make my life even better. It was all in my perception of the intent behind their words, not what their words were! It was the unspoken message they were sending that I needed to focus on.

Once I learned this important lesson, it made all the difference in the world when communicating with them in a patient and loving manner, both long distance and while up close and personal. And I think this basic understanding also kept me from losing patience with them when I later shouldered the responsibility and stress of caregiving.

True Confessions are now officially over.

In a future post, we’ll talk about practical ways we can smooth things over when we do blow our cool with our Golden Oldies.

True Confessions: Have you Lost your Cool with your Aging Parents?

Linda Abbit — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 09:00:08 +0000

Last week’s post about having patience with our aging parents (aka Golden Oldies), caused me to think about the exact opposite experience. Despite our best efforts, each of us has probably lost our patience and blown up at our care recipients at one time or another, in some way or other. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.

My question to you is, “Then what?”

How did you handle repairing any hurt you may have caused by lashing out at someone you’re caring for and, most likely, care deeply about? What steps did you take to make things right? What did you do or not do? How did they react?

It’s true confessions time.

I promise to share my story in next week’s post, but you go first in the comment section below.