A Lesson on Positive Thinking for Pessimistic Aging Parents
On Wednesdays at TLeC I usually provide inspiring quotes, photos and/or stories for caregivers. Today for a change of pace, I am presenting words of wisdom about aging from a 90 year old man to share with your pessimistic aging parents. Because along with caregivers, our senior citizens (or Golden Oldies as I prefer to call them) need some uplifting thoughts to hang on to as well.
Rabbi Joshua O. Haberman delivered a candid speech in April 2009 about the pros and cons of being 90. For starters, when a friend asked him, “How do you feel being 90?” He replied, “Very surprised!”
Here is my summary (quoting heavily from Rabbi Haberman’s talk) giving his six reasons to look at aging in a positive way:
- First you gain tranquility. All the important decisions have been made in earlier years. . . . I have walked the walk, had my failures and successes. All the pressures have eased. I am more relaxed than ever.
- Your passion cools or the doctrine of insignificance. If a matter is not truly significant or important, don’t fret, don’t worry and don’t get yourself worked up. Ignore it! We get less frantic, less pushy in advanced age. . . . the experience of a long life teaches us that not all problems can be solved; and certainly, not by ourselves . . . All we can do is endure.
- The third gain is ‘the art of submission.’ There are passages in life you cannot control . . . let go, accept the unalterable. . . . change your attitude. Stop fighting. Accept what must be; and strangely, this kind of surrender to the unchangeable is conducive to peace of mind.
- The fourth gift harvested in old age is liberation from the compulsion or urge of setting everyone else straight. I am no longer looking to win every argument. The intensity of your conviction is no proof that you are right. More often than before, it occurs to me that I might be wrong, that I don’t have all the answers. I have learned to listen more and talk less.
- The fifth dividend of old age is greater appreciation and gratitude. I have become more attentive to old and new friends. More often than before I keep in touch with old friends and reach out to new, especially, younger people. . . . Giving thanks is the most effective and harmless mood-changer — the best antidote to cynicism and pessimism. . . . I appreciate far more each day, each hour, every bit of new knowledge and every moment with people I care for.
- The sixth and most important gain is more involvement with three generations of my family — children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Best of all is my love affair with a married woman — Maxine, my wife; and, my severest critic and yet, unfailing support in almost sixty-five years of marriage.
In a previous post about communicating with negative-thinking seniors I raise this point:
After they’ve vented about their list of complaints, immediately say to them, “Now tell me something positive.” Some aging parents don’t know how negative they’ve become. At first they will be astonished at your request, but by repeatedly giving them this gentle reminder, they may realize they don’t want to be such negative people and start to be more positive — at least around you!
So if your parents can’t think of something positive to share, you can now hand them this article to jump start their thinking on the benefits of growing older. 
If you or your Golden Oldies have other benefits of aging to share, please add a comment below. The how-to’s for leaving comments are given here.
Outside Resources:
The New York Times, The New Old Age Blog, by Paula Span, June 22, 2009
The Dilemmas of Aging by Rabbi Joshua O. Haberman, April 3, 2009
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I really wish those six reasons were expounded on and honored by our society!
great sage advice by a very smart rabbi. The fourtth gift – i have to come to that conclusion 50 years earlier than the rabbi
amit
http://www.OurParents.com
This would definitely be a good article for some elderly people i know to read
Hi Lori,
I agree — they really apply for people of all ages, not just seniors!
Hi Amit,
Welcome to TLeC! From what you say, you are a fast learner.
Hi Josten,
Welcome also to TLeC! I hope you *will* share this article with some Golden Oldies in your world. Thanks.
I am so glad you shared words here. I love this Rabbi’s advice.
Mary
[...] A Lesson on Positive Thinking for Pessimistic Aging Parents … [...]
Hi Mary,
Thank you for the vote of confidence on my post.
I’m 48 and it did ME good to read it. I’m thinking of getting an early start on all those pros to aging, especially #4.
Hi Nikki,
Welcome to TLeC! I recently heard an adage that goes with #4 above. It’s this: “There’s a reason human beings have two ears and one mouth.” Enough said, errrrr, I mean written.
In my mid-forties, I already recognize all of those seven benefits of aging. Although I admittedly still struggle with some of the concepts from time to time. If we all started working on really living them now, by 90 we’d have them down pat!
My mother was forced to really start incorporating all 7 of those concepts into her life in her sixties when a congental heart condition was diagnosed. Under stress, her heart goes all wonky, so she had to really learn to let go and just be. A recent serious illness, in which we honestly thought we were going to lose her, also brought a significant appreciation of life to outlook.
Very inspiring post for any age. Thanks!
Linda, I wish that I could get my father to read this. He would first think that I was insulting him and next would say that he was better than the good Rabi in many respects and would go off into a rant.
I understand that it is difficult for him with his hearing almost gone and my having to shout. I suppose that when I shout my body language conveys anger or something negative, and he always believes that I am constantly angry, when in fact I am not.
At that age, 92, his opinions have been ingrained for a long time and with all the resentments of having to be obliged to me after so many years of being indedpendent, must be galling for him. I cannot visualize being able to ask him to tell me about positive things. He would simply say that he has always been positive and it is the world that is not.
Dear Eliza,
Welcome to TLeC with your new moniker.
You are both wise and fortunate to have a head start on thinking positive as we age. I’m sorry your mom had medical reasons to “let go” and appreciate life, but perhaps it will help her quality of life in the long run.
Dear rummuser,
Ach! I know elders like your father, too. You just want to shake them and say “Don’t you get it?!” Maybe he will come around, but I definitely don’t want you to insult him by having him read this post. LOL
My aunt lost all of her hearing, and we wound up writing in a notebook to her. Yes, it was a pain in the butt and time consuming, but it worked! Could you try that with your father — it may take away those nonverbal cues he seems to be reading into your communication with him. You can use an erasable white board if you wish. The advantage of a notebook is that you then have a permanent record of yes, some mundane things, but also some treasured conversations that you wouldn’t have recorded otherwise. Just a suggestion . . .
He will be more insulted! All that he needs to do is to wear the very expensive set of hearing aids that he keeps safely hidden away!
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