These have got to be two of the funniest videos I’ve seen in 2009.

This one has had over 13 million views as of today!

If you have trouble viewing the video above, click here.

I have to admit when I watched this processional I had to wonder what any senior citizens (aka Golden Oldies) in attendance at this wedding were thinking.

Now another group of creative people have gone one step further by creating a video that takes place six months later . . . .

Simply hilarious!!

If you have trouble viewing the video above, click here.

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To everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!

Today I am introducing a new feature on Tender Loving Eldercare — a readers’ mailbag.  Family caregivers ask me for suggestions and insights into their caregiving challenges. If a question arises for you on your caregiving journey, please feel free to use the contact form above to send me an email.   From time to time I will publish a reader’s question and my response here, so we can all learn from each other.  Please know you are not alone!

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A reader recently sent in this question:

I am asking this question in regards to my mother who is caring for her mother..my grandmother. My grandmother has always treated my mother very mean and has always said very hurtful things to make her cry. Now that she is requiring care my mother is the one that is always there. My mother has a brother who will not have anything to do with his mother. My grandmother has put my mothers brother in her will but left my mother out completely and all insurance policies are also in her brothers name. My mother has taken full responsibility (with help from my sister and I) for her knowing how she feels about her and how it will all end. It hurts her so badly and my mothers health seems to have taken its own toll. My grandmother fights her on everything, then when my mother walks away to gather herself my grandmother will repeatedly call her until she comes back. When she is there she follows her around just to call her names when all she is trying to do is make it possible to help her and keep her in her own home. I want so much for my mother who is 66 to be able to enjoy herself once in a while..i don’t see her smile much. My grandmother isn’t able to do a lot for herself but I would love to make things easier on my mother. My grandmother wont allow anyone in her house or do anything for her but my mother, so what little bit my sister and I can do doesn’t seem to be enough to help my mother. Any suggestions please.

I asked a few follow up questions and this additional info was sent:

Thank you for your response to my message.  My grandmothers physical condition is not that bad. She broke her hip a few years ago and has used that as an excuse to have people waiting on her. I believe that since my grandfathers death 10 years ago that she does get lonely from time to time but at the same note doesn’t want anyone in her home..confusing. I thought she might have Alzheimer’s but there has never been anything that would suggest that so her doctor says. She, in my opinion cannot care for herself.  My family is not in a position to pay for her to have outside care and so that’s why it is tried to do within the family despite her disposition. Yes you may use my question in your blog I hope that if anyone is going through this that things work out for them. It is is hard. Thank you.

First I want to thank you for writing and for caring so very much about your mom and grandmother!  They are very lucky to have you in their lives!  You’re wise to realize the impact caregiving is having on your mom and to try to help in any way you can.

From your description, it sounds like your mom either is (or is close to) having caregiver burnout.  Please call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 and they can refer you to your local Area Agency on Aging.  The agency will tell your mom about programs and services to help her immediately, such as respite programs (so she can get regular breaks), support groups and other community resources (such as adult day centers).  Even if your grandmother won’t allow anyone into the house now to help her, at least your mom will get other types of support to help her in her role as a family caregiver.

If you and your sister continue to help your mom, your grandmother may come to accept over time the routine of you doing more for her.  There are usually special bonds between grandparents and grandchildren, and that may work to your advantage here.  Perhaps if your grandmother allows you to help her more, that will then eventually lead to her willingness to accept other friends, neighbors or relatives willing to help in her home, thus providing more respite for your mom.  This process could take months, beginning with the baby steps of you and your sister pitching in more.  First alongside your mom, and then one day you would show up without your mom because she “has an appointment she couldn’t reschedule” or some reason that allows you and/or your sister to help your grandmother without your mom being there.  Again, think in baby steps — it won’t happen overnight.  It takes a village to be family caregivers, and you can start building that village today.

Your grandmother’s personality sounds very intimidating and difficult to be around, but you write it is not a recent change.  Has your mother spoken privately with your grandmother’s doctor(s) to make sure they have examined her in-depth to rule out any physical reasons for her argumentative nature?  If she hasn’t been to a doctor recently for a checkup, I would definitely start there.  I’ve written about the importance of your mom being both an advocate for your grandmother as well as an “interpreter” at these appointments — for her sake as well as your grandmother’s. While you don’t think your grandmother has Alzheimer’s disease, dementia or other physical ailments could be making her extremely difficult.  It is important your family explore those medical possibilities as well, keeping everyone in the loop on the process and progress made through the doctors appointments.

I’m sure your grandmother is indeed feeling lonely, afraid, resentful, and overly dependent on others for help — just to name a few emotions that go along with aging, especially since her husband is no longer there to be her  companion and soul mate.  She may also be grieving the loss of friends at this stage of life. This is  not offered as an excuse for her mean behavior, but it may be useful for your family to remind themselves of her perspective.  Aging is not an easy process; in fact, it sucks in many cases!  Hopefully, your family’s love and caring will help her have a somewhat more positive outlook over time.  Again, think in baby steps.

Your mom may also have to “bite the bullet” and speak kindly but frankly with her mother about the stress  and sheer exhaustion your mom is experiencing.  Hopefully your grandmother still has enough patience and compassion to listen to her daughter as your mother explains she needs some time for herself because she is physically and mentally drained.  Your mom could point out to your grandmother that if she wants to continue to live in her own home, your mom’s assistance is vital in accomplishing this goal.  And therefore, your mom’s own health and well-being must come first.  You, as her daughter, sense this yourself and I hope your grandmother can understand this, too.  If you and your sister are close with your grandmother, maybe you two can also have one-on-one discussions with her about this, approaching your grandmother with your own valid concerns about your mom’s state of health.

Last but not least, you mention your mom’s brother who “will not have anything to do with his mother.”  It is something I hear all the time from siblings.  It seems there are usually one or two siblings in a family who are very “hands on” as caregivers, and then there are those siblings who are either in denial over the parents’ care needs or just don’t want to be involved.  I’m sure the disappointment your mom feels about her brother’s attitude is upsetting and may be adding to her stress.

Since your uncle has made it clear he doesn’t want to help, at this point I suggest your mom move on and look for other sources of help as given above.  Moving on isn’t easy, but it may be the best step for your mother emotionally.  If she can stop hoping for help from her brother, then she won’t keep being disappointed by his lack of action.  It’s hard to fathom why a child won’t help their aging parents, but unfortunately, it’s common in my experience.

I wish I had a magic wand and could make everything better in just one giant wave.  But since I don’t, I truly hope these suggestions help ease the caregiving situation for your family. Clicking on the blue text links above will take you to other articles on the TLeC blog that may also be of help. Take care and let me know how it’s going.

If you have any resources or suggestions for this reader, please feel free to write them in the Comments section below.  We welcome your input.

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If you or your care recipient are in a crisis, I urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance.  TenderLovingEldercare.com and Linda Abbit only provide general insights about general situations.  You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

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Mail bag Photo Credit:  Marcin Wichary under a Creative Commons License

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children:  one is roots, the other is wings.

~ Hodding Carter

I’ve always loved this quote!  With just a few tweaks, it applies to family caregivers:

There are two lasting gifts we can give our aging parents:  one is safety and security, the other is as much independence as possible.

~ Linda Abbit

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Photo Credit:  Kthypryn’s photostream

This Associated Press (AP) headline on the computer caused me to raise my eyebrows in surprise:

“News of High Alzheimer’s Risk Doesn’t Devastate”

Could this really be true?

The article summed up the results of a study funded by the National Institutes of Health and published in The New England Journal of Medicine on July 16, 2009:

People who learn through genetic testing that they have a higher than average risk for Alzheimer’s disease are able to handle the bad news pretty well, results from the first major study of this suggest . . . . But they challenge assumptions that people will be devastated by a positive test result and misread it as certain proof they’re doomed to Alzheimer’s. . . .

The study measured anxiety, depression and stress levels in 162 healthy adults who were children or siblings of people with Alzheimer’s.  The participants were in the early 50’s, on average. Most wanted to know if they had the gene, and people who already had severe anxiety or depression were not included.

Yes, this was published originally in a scientific journal.  And, it is telling people only that they have a higher than average risk (not 100% certainty) they will get the disease, but I find it hard to believe the participants handled the news that well.

A Response at the Other End of the Spectrum

In Behind the Mask, Helene Moore writes about receiving the news alongside her husband, Howard, that he has “probable Alzheimer’s disease” at age 63.

We are no longer smiling. I feel as though a mule has kicked me in my stomach. Emotions race through me like sand through a sieve. Anguish. Pain. Anger. Terror. Oh my god, Alzheimer’s. Not that! Not Howard!. . .

I swallow my tears as my heart pounds in my chest. I reminded myself to stay clam, strong, and centered. What was my poor lover feeling? Please God, help us.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland, hurtling down a dark spiraling tunnel into a deep void. Could I wake up from this nightmare?

We made our way outside the doctor’s office where we stumbled wordlessly into each other’s arms, both of us trying to shield the other from the force of this cruel blow.

We cried from the depths of our souls.  We cried for a future that was a death sentence for both of us. . . .

I no longer noticed the sunshine nor felt its warmth.  I couldn’t smell the flowers, although I knew they were there.  How could the world be so unchanged while our lives were thrown into intense turbulence?

Moore’s book is the secret journal she kept when she became a caregiver overnight for Howard, and how she handled the unusual caregiving journey they went on together.  It is a fascinating story of love, courage and hope which all caregiver families can learn many lessons from. More information about it is available on Moore’s web site.

My Response to My Mom’s Diagnosis

I was getting ready to play in my first ever doubles tennis tournament one evening, when the phone rang.  It was my Dad giving me the news that their family doctor told him that day that my Mom had Alzheimer’s disease.  (I had observed her memory problems during our cross-country visits, but not knowing anything about dementia or Alzheimer’s, I chalked them up to normal aging.)  What a bombshell for us!  I don’t even remember most of what I said during the rest of the conversation, other than I was as supportive as I could be 3,000 miles away and told him we would get through it together.  I then went out to play in the tennis tournament, but my body just wouldn’t do what my mind was telling it to do in order to play decently.  To this day, I’m sure my doubles partner wonders what the heck was wrong with me that night! Now you know, Diane.

If you or a loved one has received an Alzheimer’s diagnosis where did you fall on this continuum of reactions?

If you’re a child or spouse of an Alzheimer’s patient, would you have genetic testing done to learn how high a risk you are for contracting the disease?

Let’s discuss in the Comments below. . .

No matter what caregiving challenges you face today, take a few minutes to put your feet up and watch this joyful YouTube video.  The romantic in me gives it an A++!

If you have trouble viewing this video, please click here.

Hat Tips to Ed Dale for Twittering about this and Armand Morin for posting it on his blog!

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To everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!

Over the holiday weekend I read the e-book Think Like A Black Belt: Take Charge of Your Personal Safety by Lori Hoeck.  The author presents 15 powerful safety tips for preventing assault and dealing with an attack.   It is an excellent how-to book about raising our awareness, relying on intuition, reducing vulnerability and learning emergency thinking in order to avoid becoming a target of attack by a criminal.  This is not instructions on how-to-do karate or tae kwon do. It is a book about not getting into situations where we need to fight, but preparing ourselves mentally in case we do.

I grew up in New York and I jokingly refer to my “New York paranoia” when friends tease me about keeping my home doors locked during the day, or never walking out to my car alone at night from a store or restaurant.  In reading this book I realized this “New York paranoia” is actually my own Inner Warrior at work.

Although most of us do not have time to train for years in karate or self defense, we all possess an Inner Warrior who simply needs awakening to prevent attack. . . . Driving is an example of your Inner Warrior at work.  Survival skills honed through history allow us to monitor our environment while performing everyday tasks, instantly leaping from normal to survival mode in a flash without freezing.

At the end of each chapter, Hoeck includes talking points to discuss with our children to keep them safer.  As I read however, I realized we should be talking with our aging parents about them as well.  And even more importantly, if our Golden Oldies are not able to rely on their Inner Warriors due to physical or mental decline, we as family caregivers need to become more vigilant regarding their safety.

Here are a few points Hoeck raises in her book (in bold) and my responses to get you thinking about your seniors’ personal safety:

• Criminals often work from convenience, looking for easy targets. Do your aging parents appear vulnerable (preoccupied, timid, frail, confused) when they are out in public?

• Criminals also look for non-physical weaknesses to exploit. One of them is manipulating a person’s trust. If your aging parent suddenly has new “best friends” or “helpers,” be sure they are not criminals trying to worm their way into their lives, and then further into their finances or wills.  This can happen very slowly and nearly imperceptibly over time, so just be aware.  Seniors are at a higher risk for this type of emotional or financial abuse because they may be lonely from the death of their spouse or friends.

• Use body language like armor . . . portraying a sense of confidence . . . even if you are in a wheel chair or walking bent over with a cane. Our aging parents can exude strong body language through their eyes, voices, setting personal space boundaries, and appearing calm.

Be safe and keep your loved ones safe, too! Have you ever discussed these ideas with your aging parents?

Are there other eldercare safety concerns you have? Please share them in the Comments below.

Hoeck is a former volunteer firefighter and EMT, a third-degree black belt and senior instructor in the martial arts.  If you are interested in buying her book for yourself, your children or your aging parents, you can purchase it on her website.  She also authors an excellent self-defense blog, Think Like a Black Belt, with personal safety information for people of all ages.

My Mom, Aida Ennis Brodsky, lived 99 years, 9 months and 27 days.  She would have turned 100 years old on Saturday, July 4th.

In loving memory of this wonderful woman, I’ve decided to publish the eulogies my husband and I read at her funeral service in May.  Thank you for allowing me to share them with you.

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The definition of the word “lady” in the dictionary reads “a woman of refinement and gentle manners,” and those words describe my Mom perfectly.

The dictionary says being a woman of refinement means she is “free from impurities.” My Mom Aida was very soft-spoken and I never heard her yell, curse or even come close to doing either.   Her refinement was also evident in her poise, her un-hurried manner and her outer beauty.  She had lovely thick hair (dark brown and then a pretty “white owl” gray), sparkling brown eyes and smooth, soft skin.  Even into her 90’s her skin was relatively free of wrinkles, thanks to the religious use of Ponds cold cream, her favorite beauty aid.

She was gentle and pure from the inside out; ever classy, full of kindness, and always, always polite.  She was truly the epitome of a lady in every way.  Even in her final years, when Alzheimer’s disease robbed her of her ability to speak more than a few words, the one phrase her caregiver, Regina, told me she’d say to whomever was helping her was “Thank you!” She was simply amazing.

As my Aunt Eleanor, my Mom’s sister-in-law, remarked to me this week on the phone, my Mom had “an eye for quality. It was instinctual.”  She could go into any consignment shop and find the special antique treasures amidst all the tchachkees [Yiddish for knick-knacks]. When I was a child we spent hours together in her favorite little consignment shop called “Gems and Junk,” because antiquing was one of her great joys in life.

Her deep love and constant devotion to her family was paramount above all else.  During a trip back to his alma mater, my Dad, Al, spotted her in the hallways of Bushwick High School.  Her family didn’t own a phone in the mid-1920’s, so he wrote her a letter of introduction and asked her out.  The rest is history.  They were married in 1928 and celebrated their 76^th wedding anniversary before my Dad passed away in 2005.  An enduring marriage like that is so very rare, especially these days.  We are blessed to have had them as a role model.

They stood by each other through the good times and the harder times.  When my Dad had triple bypass surgery at age 84, my mom quickly gave up her outside-the-home hobbies and activities to stay by his side and watch over him for not just months, but years.  I have a picture of her in my mind standing by his chair in the living room in Florida lovingly stroking his head as he watched TV in his favorite easy chair.  They were truly soul mates and I take some comfort in knowing their spirits are now reunited for eternity.

Growing up we always had family get-togethers – Brodsky “family circle meetings” in our basement, birthday parties, New Year’s Eve parties, and bar-b-ques in the backyard in Malverne.  Almost every weekend included visits with some of my many aunts, uncles, cousins or family friends.  And it was an extra special time when Mom’s California family came all the way to NY to visit!  My mom was my first example of what a family caregiver does as we’d visit her father, my Grandpa Kiva in Brooklyn and later Far Rockaway, to check on him, help him, and bring him home-cooked rotisserie chicken several times a month.

I was born when she was 45 years old and they had already been married for 25 years!!  Think about that for a moment.  Most of us here are at least 45 now – can you imagine the overnight culture shock they must have gone through when I suddenly came along?!  They gave me a charmed life full of only the best, yet they were always cautious about not spoiling me. My mom would often say, at the times she was most proud of me, “I don’t want to say too much because I’m afraid of giving you a swelled head.”

As I was growing up, we had loads of fun together as a mother-daughter team.  She was a Girl Scout co-leader for several troops I was in; we collected coins and stamps together; she taught me the basics of knitting, crocheting, cross-stitch and embroidery.  She was a fabulous seamstress, but that trait I didn’t pick up on, much to her chagrin.  In fact, she saved me from a failing grade in Home Economics when I burned a hole ironing a yellow a-line dress I had just sewn for a final project.  She quickly designed and helped me sew a yoke over the burned spot to cover up my blunder in time to turn it in the next morning!  She took me to ballet lessons, made me take piano lessons, came to all of my dance, chorus and piano recitals, and also cheered me on while I was a cheerleader in high school!  No girl could ask for a more involved and supportive Mom.

At age 80, she became a Grandma for the first time!  Robbie, I’m sure she would say it was definitely worth the wait.  When we’d visit them in Florida, she was so proud as she showed Robbie off to her friends and neighbors.  I would tease her about the “Shrine to Robbie” she made on the wall above the kitchen table.  It was a collage of Robbie pictures – some in frames, some just taped to the wall — skip the frames, just get them up there! And speaking of photos, she loved taking pictures ever since I could remember.  She was great about taking her camera with her everywhere — capturing many family events, people and scenery on various trips.  It wasn’t about doing photography with the latest and greatest camera as a hobby; it was her way of capturing family history in the making.  And we have tons of photo albums to prove it.

One other quality I observed in my mom was her strength, both mental and physical.  Her parents were Russian immigrants and everyone in their family knew you had to work hard to get somewhere in America.  The children were sent to public school to learn English because Yiddish was spoken at home.  After graduating from high school she was a legal secretary and stenographer for about 25 years, and then became a full time stay-at-home mom.  Yes, she got to fully engage in both roles and didn’t have to juggle these commitments simultaneously as modern women do. She and my Dad were already married at the time of the stock market crash, the Depression and World War II.  When my Dad was drafted, my Mom kept Amalite, his tool manufacturing business, going successfully for the years he was in the Army.  She oversaw the office and the factory, all the while thinking constantly about her husband fighting a war overseas.

While waiting through the one year period for my adoption to become final, my mom worried so much that she developed very bad colitis.  Her weight went down to about 85 lbs., and the doctor said she had to have major surgery if she was going to survive.  She had the surgery, but then had to adjust to using a medical device for the rest of her life.  This very difficult experience would test anyone’s mettle, and she showed great courage in facing this harsh reality head on.

Aside from that ordeal, she was physically very healthy the rest of her life.  She only had two other relatively minor surgeries.  I have to marvel that at age 99, the only medicine she needed was thyroid pills, which she took along with her daily vitamins. We should all be so lucky!

Most sadly, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in about 1998 and had to live for over ten years as her long and short term memories were slowly destroyed and her brain processing further deteriorated step by step. No one should have to experience this type of continuous decline, and no family should have to witness it.  I pray they find a cure for this horrible disease soon.

But through all of the challenges my Mom faced, I don’t remember ever hearing her complain!  She always told me we have to “roll with the punches,” and she taught me this repeatedly by the way she lived her life.

You will live forever in our hearts.  I love you!

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Jeff’s Eulogy

Okay, I’ll confess. I started writing my thoughts about Aida back when she was just a young girl . . . you know . . . around 87 years old.

Aida was truly a sweet and caring lady with dignity and class.  She was pleasant.  She didn’t nag. And she never made you feel guilty.  That’s right…the ideal mother-in-law!

And thank God I liked her since she decided to hang around for 99 years!!

Of course, Aida had her amusing little quirks, too.

If she showed you one of her many vacation photo albums, you wouldn’t see scenic pictures of the coastline. You wouldn’t see photographs of Linda’s dad standing next to a famous statue. Instead, you’d see photo after photo of the paintings that were hanging in each of their hotel rooms.

During one of my last visits with Aida, it was a typical scene: her lying in bed, me holding her hand and trying to be lighthearted while getting a blank stare in return.

Yes, the same one most of you give me when I think I’m being funny.

As I was leaving her room, I stood in the doorway and blew her a kiss. She looked at me and in a clear voice, she said ‘Thank you.’

And that’s from a person that most of us would think was completely tuned out due to the nasty effects of the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease.

But I learned a valuable lesson . . .

None of us can know what a person can really see, hear, comprehend or feel no matter what condition they are in.

I would get frustrated at times watching Linda break down or be depressed after a not-so-pleasant visit with Aida. I thought Linda was wasting her time talking to her mom who seemed to be out of it.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I truly believe that the reason Linda’s mom lived as long as she did was because of the endless love and unselfish caring Linda showed her time after time after time.

Aida is so special that while others light candles for their birthdays, every year the nation lights fireworks in honor of her birthday.  Yes, she was born on the 4^th of July.

So this July and every July, when the sky is filled with beautiful fireworks lighting up the sky, take a moment to think of Linda’s dear mom, Aida. After all, being the wonderful person she was, always made the world a brighter place.

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Happy Fourth of July weekend to my wonderful TLeC community!