Antidotes for Spring Fever

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: “First Question: Which tire was flat?”

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Q. Can February March?
A. No, but April May!

Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again. ~ Henry Beard

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

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If I could only grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

Gardening requires a lot of water – most of it in the form of perspiration.

The best way to garden is to put on a wide brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig.

New gardeners learn by by trowel and error.

Credit: David Hobson’s Garden Humour

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

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I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me.
Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

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To everyone in the TLeC community, have a wonderful weekend!

Nature often holds up a mirror so we can see more clearly the ongoing processes of growth, renewal, and transformation in our lives.

~ Mary Ann Brussat

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People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

~ Sam Levenson (often attributed to Audrey Hepburn)

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If you watch how nature deals with adversity, continually renewing itself, you cannot help but learn.

~ Bernie S. Siegel

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Photo Credit: forestgladesiwander’s photostream

This is Part 2 in a series. Please click here to read Part 1 which contains the background ideas these lessons are built on.

It isn’t easy to change our way of communicating with our memory-impaired aging parents, but in order to make their lives (and ours) easier, it is helpful to follow some basic Do’s and Don’ts.

A Word of Warning

As I cover some “Don’ts” about using the language of dementia, you will most likely feel guilty because you will be hit with the horrible realization you’ve been doing them. Don’t beat yourselves up — we have all done them! And done them many times. And are still doing them — yes, even though I’ve been a family caregiver for over 10 years, I still screw up and communicate poorly sometimes when in theory I know better.

But just like learning any new language, begin with the basic underlying “grammatical rules” and start using them in your next conversations with your Golden Oldies who have dementia. It takes time to become fluent in a new language, so cut yourself some slack. Use each subsequent conversation as a practice session and see how you do. Just the fact that you’re aware of these better ways to communicate with your Golden Oldies is a wonderful step in the right direction!

So, put the guilt aside, read on and learn.

Don’t Remind Them They Forgot and Don’t Question Recent Memory

I recently wrote a post explaining why I don’t like being asked the question, “Does she know you?” when I tell people my mom has Alzheimer’s disease. There is another side to that issue when family caregivers speak with loved ones experiencing memory loss or dementia. I’ll explain . . . .

My mom and I were sitting in her board & care’s living room a few weeks ago with another resident who has dementia. (I will call her Sally, but that is not her real name.) Sally’s sister arrived for a visit with another couple. They all greeted Sally with hugs. Her sister then said, “Sally, do you know who this is?” referring to the other couple. When she didn’t respond right away, the gentleman visitor said, “Of course you do, Sally! I’m your brother-in-law, Joe, and this is your sister, Mary. Don’t you remember us?”

I know, you’re probably thinking no big deal, but I cringed when I heard her ask “Do you know who this is?” Sally is aware enough to understand the question, but based on her blank stare and lack of a reply, she probably did not remember who the other couple was (even though they were relatives but ones she doesn’t see too often).

I know the visitors meant no disrespect to Sally, and used the words we all use automatically when greeting people. But with that exchange, Sally might have felt embarrassed that she didn’t know who they were, especially when she was then told they were family members. She also could have been upset that she didn’t remember who they were. I cringed again when her brother-in-law said “Don’t you remember us?” Ouch!

It is not kind to someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease to point out their memory loss (which is a disability like any other) over and over again. It may take a minute or two of thought before speaking to avoid doing this, but the words we use matter a great deal.

Instant Replay: Instead of saying to Sally “Do you know who this is?” it would be kinder to say, “Sally, look who’s here to visit you today: Mary, your sister and her husband, Joe.” Immediately identify who is visiting, rather than putting the memory-impaired person in an awkward or embarrassing situation.

In addition, try to avoid using these questions in conversations:

• Do you remember when we ________?

• What did you do today?

• How was lunch (or any recent activity)?

True Confessions

Another example comes from my own experience. And believe me, I look back and regret doing this, but I didn’t know any better at the time.

One of the first signs my mom had Alzheimer’s disease was that she repeated the same question multiple times within five minutes. It could have been something as simple as, “Is today Thursday?” I would answer her sweetly the first time, but then every time after that when she’d ask the same question, I’d say something like, “Mom, I just told you that. Yes, it’s Thursday.” She would look at me with a blank stare or sometimes say “You did?” Then she’d shrug and we’d go on. I had very little patience for her repeated questions, and looking back I realize how unkind I was by pointing out her memory loss repeatedly. And then compounding it by speaking in a frustrated tone of voice or rolling my eyes when my patience was completely shot. UGH!!

Here’s another example of how to not remind them they forgot:

Golden Oldie: “Steve hasn’t called for a long time. I hope he’s feeling OK.”

Don’t say: “Steve called yesterday and you talked with him for quite awhile.”

Say instead: “You really like talking with Steve, don’t you? Let’s call him when we get back from lunch.”

Kinder Solutions

If your Golden Oldies repeat the same question multiple times they are not trying to annoy you. They truly believe it is the first time they’re asking you the question. Our job is to reply as if it’s the first time they’re asking the question. This isn’t easy and it takes a load of patience to accomplish, but try your best! Remember, their reality is now different than ours. Reminding them they forgot won’t change this fact, and will only make them feel worse.

Keep in mind this new language will take lots of practice to become comfortable with! So hang in there and keep practicing in everyday interactions with your aging parents.

Have you had these type of conversations with your Golden Oldies with dementia? Can you add any tips you’ve learned?

Please write them in the comment section below. If you’d like an easy guide on how to leave comments on the TLeC blog, click here.

Outside Resource:

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired by Liz Ayres

Our son is home from college for Spring break and there has been continuous talk (aka agonizing) over March Madness around here.

“March Madness” refers to the U.S. men’s collegiate basketball tournament that began this week. Don’t worry if you haven’t heard of it — I hadn’t either until our son started thinking about what college he wanted to attend.

So in honor of March Madness, and with great hope the University of Arizona team will go far in the tournament, here is a collection of basketball humor, along with a fun article about how vasectomies and March Madness go together. Enjoy!

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“The sport of basketball is 113 years old today,” Jay Leno reported on December 1st, 2004. “Did you know James Naismith came up with the game as a way to keep young men away from women and out of trouble? . . . . Well, that sure worked well!”

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Q: Why do basketball players love cookies? A: Because they can dunk them!

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“He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with his coach. “But’s how’s his scholastic work?”

“Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach.

“Wonderful!” said the sportswriter.

“Yes,” agreed the coach, “but his B’s are a little crooked.”

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I play in the over-50 basketball league. We don’t have jump balls. The ref just puts the ball on the floor and whoever can bend over and pick it up gets possession.

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Here is a commentary by John Kelso in the Austin American-Statesman about a promotion a urology group is having during March Madness:

Big Dance Meets the Big Snip: Men, Stop Squirming

Vasectomy? Ouch. So pull up a couch – and watch some hoops.

By John Kelso

Friday, March 06, 2009

The winning team at a basketball tournament snips down the nets. Then there’s the snipping that goes on when a guy gets a vasectomy.

So it was a natural fit when an Austin urology business decided to use the NCAA men’s basketball tournament – otherwise known as March Madness – to promote the procedure.

This is cutting-edge material. Talk about a bracket-buster.

“You know, the thing that really spurred this whole thing is that so many men aren’t interested in sitting still very long,” said Vikki Smith, community liaison for The Urology Team, a practice with eight surgeons. “So we thought what could be a more natural combination than sitting in front of a TV set for three days and getting a vasectomy? It’s the perfect excuse to look at the wife and say, ‘Honey, I’ve got to stay on the couch for three days. Doctor’s orders.’ ”

The name of the hoops/whoops promotion is Vas Madness. As opposed to March Madness. Vikki pointed out that one of the Urology Team members is Dr. Richard Chopp. But she said that Dr. Chopp will not be performing vasectomies during Vas Madness.

This is a marketing blunder. If you’ve got a vasectomy expert named Chopp on your team, and you’re running a basketball special, why bench the guy? “His patients all go home with a camo T-shirt that proudly proclaims ‘I got chopped at the Urology Team,’ ” Vikki wrote in an e-mail.

What better time for a guy to get himself done than during the NCAA Tournament? After all, back in the old days, the refs referred to the infraction of traveling as “double dribble.”

“I think there’s probably all sorts of familiar words we could use,” Vikki said. “They just won’t be traveling. At least for a few days.” She pointed out that doctors recommend vasectomy patients “take it easy for about three or four days.”

Vikki said that men getting vasectomies at the business’s clinic on Jollyville Road will be able to watch the NCAA tournament games on TV in the waiting area, although she didn’t seem to know which days the actual tournament games are on.

“Then we’re going to have a little popcorn and snacks out for everybody,” she said. “We try to create sort of a sports bar atmosphere without the alcohol and smoking.”Anyway, it sounds like one heckuva party. “All of our doctors, everybody who is working in the clinic after hours, will be wearing their favorite team’s T-shirt,” Vikki said.

And, adding to the fun, each patient will get a bag of frozen peas as part of the recovery kit.

“It’s sort of like using Silly Putty as opposed to a brick,” Vikki explained. You know, brick. Like when the point guard clanks the ball off the rim.

John Kelso’s column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com.

For the link to the original article click here.

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GO WILDCATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend! And get off the couch once in awhile between games.

“Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness

has never danced in the rain.”

~ Author Unknown

Note: If you have trouble viewing the video, click here.

I can’t watch this video without smiling — no matter how many times I’ve seen it! My hope is that it brings a smile to your face, too. Many times as family caregivers we have to dance (or sing) in the rain. For me dancing is the Best.Stress.Relief.Ever!

What works for you?

May your kilt be short enough to dance a jig

and long enough to hide your lucky charms!

Happy St. Patty’s Day!

Many of our aging parents (or Golden Oldies as I prefer to call them) will eventually develop some type of memory loss. It usually starts as the forgetfulness we have come to expect with normal aging, but then it may progress to dementia or Alzheimer’s disease (AD for short, which is the most common type of dementia). I’ve witnessed the full progression of memory loss with my mom as she has lived through the stages of Alzheimer’s disease so my perspective is that of a family caregiver for an aging parent with AD.

We Start by Changing Our Mindset

If you keep the following things in mind, it will help in the ways you think about and communicate with your aging parents:

• Our aging parents’ memory loss is a disability. Asking them to remember is like asking a blind person to read, or a person confined to a wheelchair to walk.

• While what they do may seem crazy to us, it isn’t. They do or say normal things for a memory-impaired person. For example, they don’t hide the house keys, they put them in a safe place (in their point of view) and then forget where that is. If they were deliberately trying to exasperate us, they would have a different diagnosis.

• People with memory loss are scared all the time. As a result of the fear, they may become passive, uncooperative, hostile, angry, agitated, verbally abusive or physically combative — or all of the above at different stages of AD. As a result of our understanding and use of the language of dementia, we can alleviate many of their fears and resulting behaviors.

• Put yourself in their place and raise your level of patience, generosity and graciousness.

• We can’t control memory loss, only our reaction to it.

It’s not the person with the memory loss that learns a new language. It is you and I, their loved ones and caregivers, who have to do so in order to maintain their dignity and quality of life. In the coming lessons, I will cover some do’s and don’ts for communicating with our AD care recipients through the language of dementia.

Have you changed your mindset by being a caregiver for an aging parent with memory loss?

Can you add more ideas to the attitude adjustments above?

If you’d like to leave a comment but aren’t quite sure how, follow the easy step-by-step guide by clicking here.

Outside Resource:

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired — Liz Ayres

If you have trouble viewing the video, click here.

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A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile . . . somewhere in Houston . . . a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2005

Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.

I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It sure is freakin’ hot down here!

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To Everyone in the TLeC community, have a wonderful weekend!

The National Family Caregivers Association is leading a campaign for the issuance of a U.S. postage stamp honoring family caregivers:

“I respectfully request your recognition of all family caregivers in America by honoring us with a United States Postage Stamp. Family caregiver responsibilities span endless hours and reach across all boundaries of ages, demographic and economic groups with almost everyone at some time in their lives either being a caregiver or needing a caregiver.”

The quote above is from the petition you can sign here in support of the creation of this stamp. I did, and I urge you to sign it as a way to show our appreciation for the more than 52 million family caregivers in the United States. I will keep you updated on its progress.

The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success,
his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one
of the beautiful jewels of wisdom.

~ James Allen

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If we all did the things we are capable of,
we would astound ourselves.

~ Thomas Edison

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You’re happiest while you’re making the greatest contribution.

~ Robert F. Kennedy

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The last of human freedoms – the ability to chose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.

~ Viktor E. Frankl

Please feel free to comment below if one of these quotations strikes a chord with you. If you’d like a few simple instructions on how to leave a comment, click here.