Because January is the month most of us start new diets . . . .

I Like This Theory!

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. So I’m not fat, I’m just really intelligent and my head couldn’t hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. [As seen on a Garfield comic]

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Exercise For Real Life

The doctor told me “Physical exercise is good for you.” I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out all the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.

Whew! What a workout!

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A friend sent the following message on Twitter earlier in the week and it had me in stitches! I think she wants to remain anonymous, but a hat tip to her for this.

“Stepped on the scale yesterday. Lost 3 lbs! Jumped up and down to celebrate, while still standing on the scale. Broke the scale. Sigh.”

(If you’d like to follow me on Twitter click here.)

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The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.

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To everyone in this wonderful TLeC community, have a great weekend! And don’t eat too much at those Super Bowl parties.

Ramana Rajgopaul and I “met” in the blogosphere in November 2008 when he wrote in a comment here that he was “a caregiver of sorts.” I went to his blog, Ramana’s Musings, to investigate what he meant. His multigenerational family lives in Pune, India and he is most definitely a family caregiver!

I knew immediately I wanted to interview him, both to learn about caregiving in another part of the world, and to get a man’s perspective on caregiving. (In the U.S. where I live, statistics show that more women are caregivers than men.) Ramana graciously accepted the invitation to be “grilled” by me and I hope you enjoy our “talk” as much as I did!

So without further adieu, I’m very happy to introduce (right to left) Ramana Rajgopaul, his wife, Urmeela, and his father, Senior Rajgopaul.

Welcome to Tender Loving Eldercare, Ramana. Please tell us how and when you became a caregiver.

My present care giving experience started eight years ago when my wife had multiple cerebral and cardiac infarcts (or mini-strokes). Since physically she was enfeebled (weakened), any kind of surgical intervention was not advised and her life had to be ‘medically managed’. Since her memory function was affected, she was not capable of managing this by herself. I had two choices – to provide for a live in professional caregiver, which in India is quite common, or look after her myself. My wife decided the matter by completely rejecting the first option. I therefore gave up my lucrative career, retired from active corporate life and became her caregiver. She is completely dependent on me and gets paranoid if I am away from her for more than a few hours. Otherwise, she is no strain on me either physically or mentally.

In the most recent instance, my 91 year old father was living with my step mother in a town about 1500 miles south of where we live. When my stepmother passed away three months ago, he had no one to look after him and I got him over to come and spend the rest of his life with us. He does not need much looking after but does need to be provided with company, food on time, support when he goes out, etc. He is hard of hearing and I have to answer his phone calls and be at hand when visitors call on him.

What do your care giving responsibilities consist of on a daily, weekly or monthly basis?

Seeing that all possible comforts are provided — for example, seeing that there is always hot water available in the bathrooms, beds are made and their clothes laundered and shelved, wholesome and nutritious food is provided on time etc.

Seeing to proper administration of medicines in the correct dosage and on specified times.

Arranging for, and accompanying to pathology tests, Doctors’ appointments and arranging to fill in prescriptions.

Accompanying and urging physical exercise as advised by the physicians.

Answering and making phone calls to friends and relatives who wish to keep in touch with both of them.

Seeing that neither faces any embarrassment due to lapses in memory, particularly with respect to names and places.

Linda’s response: How do you manage to prevent embarrassment for both of them, Ramana? That doesn’t sound easy to accomplish.

By calling people by their names often while talking, taking over the conversation when they falter etc.

If you presently work (full or part time), how do you manage the time commitment involved in caregiving?

The little work that I do, I do from home. Mostly on the phone and with the computer and broadband connection, it is not too difficult to attend to both.

What are some ways your life has changed since you became a caregiver?

I have become tied to the home/city and have stopped my major social activities like visiting the club, attending and giving parties, social work, volunteer work etc. On the positive side, I get more time to read, solve crossword puzzles, blog and mentor a few young entrepreneurs.

What is the most challenging aspect of caregiving for you?

Just being around, wherever they are, home or outside the home.

What is the most rewarding or enjoyable part of caregiving for you?

The sense of joy, that I am able to do something for both of them.

What do you do to take care of yourself to prevent caregiver burnout?

I have not yet experienced it and doubt that I will in the foreseeable future.

Linda’s response: I hope that you are correct about this, and continue to remain aware that it could happen as time passes.

Yes, and let us hope that it does not happen. If it does, I shall cross the bridge when I come to it.

What, if anything, do you use for inspiration or motivation during the most difficult times? (Those times most caregivers have experienced — when you feel you just can’t do it anymore.)

I find the time to increase my meditation sessions.

Linda’s response: Do you increase your sessions in frequency or length? Can you explain to us in what way(s) meditation helps you?

Both. Meditation helps me to be more or less equanimous. I have been a meditator since 1978 and I follow the Buddhist technique of Vipassana. This technique enables the meditator to be in a state of equilibrium and increases his awareness levels. I find these applicable to me too. My blood pressure is below normal (100/80) as a natural consequence.

What is the best caregiving advice you’ve ever given? Received?

Giving care, ensure that you do not become a case needing care.

Linda’s response: This is excellent advice for all family caregivers. Unfortunately the caregiver often becomes ill or dies before their care recipient does.

I hope that it does not happen to me!

Linda’s response: I do not wish that on you or any caregiver. That is why we must remain vigilant about caring for our needs, too.

Can you talk about caregiving options in India vs. the US where I live? Do the majority of families have their Golden Oldies move in with them? If not, are there a range of facilities available for their parents to move to based on their level of functioning? For example, in California, there are a range of assisted living arrangements that Golden Oldies may select from if they do not move in with their children. They range from independent living, to some assistance, to board & care homes, dementia care, and nursing homes.

We have such facilities in India too. We also have relatively inexpensive live in professional caregivers who come from agencies on rotation. I personally would not like to expose my wife or my father to any such facility. Others do, and I do not think that it is bad, just that their compulsions may be different. At the end of the day, each of us has to make our choices. I am blessed in that, my problems started when I could afford to retire and provide the care needed by my wife. I was also physically and mentally capable of doing that. Not everyone is so lucky.

By and large however, in India, Golden Oldies living with their offspring is the rule rather than the exception.

Linda’s response: I salute your self-knowledge and positive attitude about your decision. Being grateful for what we have is sometimes difficult for caregivers to do.

Thank you.

Are there any other cultural differences about family caregiving that you observe from your perspective, Ramana?

None whatsoever. Let me illustrate. My sister’s father in law and mother in law both needed care. My brother in law is their only son. In our culture, parents normally do not stay with daughters. My sister gladly did what was needed and when my mother, during her last stages, needed to be provided care, she gave it to her too with the total support and assistance from her husband. Very similar to what you and your family are doing.

I do not think that human beings can be culturally different when it comes to being human. The more I come across other care givers, the more I am convinced that language, religion, nationality or any other categorization, can make someone different in this particular aspect.

Linda’s response: This is beautifully written, Ramana! You’ve taught me that no matter where we live geographically, nor what gender we are, it’s the shared human experience that connects caregivers throughout the world. Thank you for telling us your unique caregiving story. Your wife and father are very blessed to have you caring for them! I wish you and your whole family many more years of love and joy!

Please leave your comments and/or questions for Ramana Rajgopaul or me below.

Read more about Ramana’s world and thoughts on his blog, Ramana’s Musings, or subscribe to his RSS feed here. I love his intriguing tag line “Wisdom by Hindsight.”

UPDATE: On March 15, 2009, Ramana wrote this message on his blog:

I have the sad responsibility of informing my readers of the unexpected passing away of my wife Urmeela on March 13, 2009.

The end was sudden, painless and I was with her when she passed away.

A measure of her universal appeal was at her cremation, Hindus, Catholics, Protestant Christians, Sunni Muslims, Shia Muslims and Atheists were present to bid her fond farewell.

None of us have the slightest doubt that her soul will rest in eternal peace.

You can see a beautiful photo of her and read the loving tribute Ramana wrote about Urmeela here.  My deepest sympathy goes out to you, Ramana, your son, Ranjan, and your entire family!  May her memory be a blessing.

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If you are a family caregiver and would like to be considered for an interview, please use the contact form available above. Thank you!

With a hat tip to Lori from SpaceAgeSage for sending this in!

To everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!

Here are five quotes by Martin Luther King, Jr. that “spoke” to me as a caregiver. Do you relate to them, too? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

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Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, “What are you doing for others?”

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Everyone has the power of greatness. Not for fame, but greatness. Because greatness is determined by service.

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The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

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We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.

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We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

Thank you to the reader who recently sent me this question:

“My elderly mother-in-law has gotten mean in the last few years. She’ll say mean things to people — mostly family members, but also others sometimes. I don’t think she even realizes how hurtful she’s being. Does this happen to elderly people often?”

In my experience, not all Golden Oldies “get mean” as they age, but some do.

I am not referring to pessimistic or difficult aging parents who are always whining and complaining, which I’ve written about previously. I am talking about our normally sweet and kind Golden Oldies who come out with mean statements occasionally. They might just say one mean or thoughtless thing that hurts us, but it’s that one sentence that sticks in our mind and heart for years to come.

An Example From My Own Family

My parents and I lived cross-country for nearly 20 years. Despite their only child and their only grandchild living 3,000 miles away, we could not convince them to move here. As my mom’s Alzheimer’s disease progressed, my father decided it was indeed time to live closer to us. We were ecstatic they were going to live in the same town and that we’d be able to have visits whenever we wanted — easily, without having to fly hours to do so. What could be better than that, after living apart for so many years?

One day about a year after they moved here, my Dad came out with the statement, “The worst thing we ever did was move to California!”

OUCH! I was stunned. It was like a slap in the face. I was too shocked to react to his words immediately. And even though we always had a close and loving relationship, I was extremely hurt. I still remember those words clearly — and don’t think I’ll ever forget them. But I have come to terms with it.

Why Do They Say Mean Things?

I believe our Golden Oldies lose their “filters” as they age. They think and speak much like young children, and just say what’s on their minds. They start to lose the ability to “censure” their words when those words are possibly rude or hurtful. They literally begin to speak without thinking.

If their words are kind, I say, “Good for them!” They’ve earned the right to speak what’s on their minds based on their experience and wisdom. But not always.

Tips on Handling Mean Words

You may not be able to change what your aging parents blurt out, but you can definitely control how you react to them.

• Delay your response to their words. Take a deep breath, walk into another room, count to 10, think about something positive. Whatever you do to calm yourself in other stressful situations, do now!

• Don’t snap back with an equally mean statement. Your reply could escalate the exchange. When you feel wounded, it’s often easy to fire back a nasty sentence, but in the long run it will not be helpful and may make matters worse. Try with all your might not to be defensive. I know it’s not easy!

• Realize their statements could be based on strong emotions. Respond to what their underlying feelings may be, and not the content of what your Golden Oldie said. Arguing with them logically probably won’t solve the deeper emotional issue. By not reacting on the spot when my Dad said the hurtful comment, I had time to analyze what he really meant.

• It’s OK to take a break. You can leave to give yourself time to cool off and deal with the hurt. This could be for a couple of minutes, hours, or even days if necessary.

• Try not to take their words personally. This was the hardest part for me. After all, I knew my Dad loved me and my family deeply, and was truly happy to be living nearby. He was simply idealizing their life in Florida, before my Mom was diagnosed and her memory loss began. He didn’t mean he hated living in California, but rather that he wished he could turn back the clock and be in Florida where they both had good health and an independent lifestyle.

• Be grateful — always. I try to remember at the difficult moments, how very lucky I am to have had them around at their advanced ages. (My dad died in 2005 at age 98 and my mom is now 99 years old.) So many people’s parents die when they are younger and adult children don’t have these later years to enjoy with their Golden Oldies. I also know that as a child or teenager I likely said hurtful things to them without realizing it, so now it’s my turn to get some of that karma back! It’s part of the circle of life.

What am I overlooking?

Have you found any other coping strategies that work for you when your Golden Oldies say mean things? Please share them in the comments below.

[NOTE: If there ever is a marked change in your aging parents' behavior, it may be due to a medical reason. Please be sure they are checked by their physician to rule out physical or drug-related reasons for inappropriate words, outbursts or actions.]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ-conscious people that worry about using cold water for cleaning.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car.”

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, “Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!”

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Reference Guide for Those Who Have Difficulty Converting Units of Measurement

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billygram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decaration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

2 monograms = 1 diagram

4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

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Winter Sucks!

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To everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!

The inspiration for you today comes from a touching video rather than through a quote.

But if you want words, here are some that describe what you will see:

Friendship

Bonding

Trust

TLC

Caring

Tolerance

And . . . Caregiving!

Please share your thoughts about this video in the Comments below. Thanks.

First I want to thank all of the wonderful participants in the TLeC survey for your time, votes and many kind comments. You gave me much food for thought, and I am grateful for the honesty of your feedback.

The Results

The overall format of this blog won’t change radically in the coming year. I will continue to bring you a mixture of “how-to” information about caregiving, inspirational quotes, and the ever-popular Funny Fridays to keep us all laughing. I will be adding more interviews with family caregivers, like the one I did with Lori Hoeck a few months ago. (If you are currently a family caregiver and would like to be interviewed for this blog, please use the contact form above.)

I will also be writing more about some of the very real concerns you shared with me, such as:

• Juggling time commitments between our families and our caregiving responsibilities,

• Being prepared to handle unexpected health or financial issues our Golden Oldies face,

• How to avoid making caregiving “mistakes”

• Sharing caregiving responsibilities with siblings

• Being a long-distance family caregiver

And answers to many more caregiving questions you raised in the survey.

I know it will be a busy and exciting year ahead for us! Thank you for your loyal readership and participation in the TLeC community!

Dear TLeC Supporters,

Would you help me?

During the holidays I did lots of brainstorming and planning for what direction to take this blog in 2009. Since we’re a community, I would like YOUR input about this blog’s future. How can I help you best? I want to hear from you.

Can you take a minute right now to answer 4 short questions that are important to me?

Please be honest. You can’t hurt my feelings, except if you don’t answer at all. If you don’t tell me, who will?

Click Here to Take Survey

Thank you! I really appreciate your time and thoughtful opinions.

Here’s to a great 2009 and beyond!

Cheers,

Linda

P.S. I will keep this survey up for approximately one week to gather as many responses as possible. Then I’ll be back with our regular features — or new ones. Survey says . . . .