This is Part 3 in a series.

You can read Part 1 “Think Before You Speak” here.

You can read Part 2 “Speaking Easily About Difficult Topics” here.

“For every minute you are angry, you
lose sixty seconds of happiness.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The two previous classes covered skills and strategies for talking about serious topics with our aging parents. However, what do you do to communicate with your aging parents when they are difficult people in and of themselves? By “difficult” I mean aging parents (or as I call them Not-So-Golden Oldies) who complain, whine, think negatively and/or have a pessimistic outlook on life.

Being able to communicate effectively with them in spite of their complaints matters. There are important issues you need to discuss (and often decisions to make) at this stage in their lives, so how do you get past their negativity and have fruitful conversations?

Here are several strategies that will help you connect with these extra-negative aging parents.

It’s Not Always What You Say That Matters

Nonverbal communication is one component that can make a big difference. Research has proven that in face-to-face conversations, body language accounts for 55% of what people notice and believe about the person speaking. So when you are speaking with your Not-So-Golden Oldies, try to sit or stand at eye level with them, which sends a message of respect and equality.

While speaking, reach out and touch them gently on the hands, arms or shoulders as a way to reassure them you are actively listening and focused on them. A kind touch will send messages of both comfort and caring. And before you part, give as many hugs as you can, even if the conversation didn’t go as well as you had hoped.

Words that Work

Use “glad, sorry, sure” statements to reassure your aging parent. For example, “I’m glad we talked about driving at night not being a good idea any longer. I’m sorry you got upset. I’m sure we can figure out a solution that will keep you and others safe.”

Use “separately, first” to focus on one issue at a time. Sometimes your Not-So-Golden Oldies will try to avoid a topic by bringing up other issues and sending the conversation off on a tangent. To get the discussion back on track say, “I’d like to talk about that also but separately. First, let’s figure out what we want to do about this issue.”

Combating Pessimism on Several Fronts

Take a solution-based approach. Ask your difficult parent to come up with three potential solutions to their problem. This will help them to focus on solutions, make them feel more in control of their lives, and also neutralize the negative energy around them.

Find a new project, hobby, volunteer job or “duty” for your Not-So-Golden Oldies to participate in. Give them something to do that will result in success, praise and positive reinforcement for a job well done. Success will increase their self-esteem and create a more positive attitude. The more positive experiences they have, the more pleasant their overall outlook will become.

Make them feel good about themselves. Show genuine appreciation when they do something that helps you. Be lavish in your praise. If possible, give words of encouragement or pay them compliments every time you are together. Everyone has redeeming qualities, even your whining Not-So-Golden Oldies, so find something good you can compliment them on. Remember they are often dealing with strong emotions on a day-to-day basis that could be pulling them down.

After they’ve vented about their list of complaints, immediately say to them, “Now tell me something positive.” Some aging parents don’t know how negative they’ve become. At first they will be astonished at your request, but by repeatedly giving them this gentle reminder, they may realize they don’t want to be such negative people and start to be more positive — at least around you!

Practice Compassion

It can be very hard to be kind and compassionate in the face of constantly disagreeable parents. You may be able to make a positive difference in their world, even if it is only for a short time. And you could be the catalyst that helps them become more of an optimist again, and able to enjoy their remaining years in a happier frame of mind.

Practicing kindness pays huge dividends. Trust in yourself, try the different techniques given above with your Not-So-Golden Oldies, and let me know how it goes in the comment section below. Something tells me you won’t be disappointed.

What other techniques have you used in dealing with pessimistic Golden Oldies or other people in your life? Feel free to add your experiences and tips in the comments below.

[Note: People who are overly negative may suffer from depression. If you suspect that a family member is possibly depressed (beyond having a pessimistic attitude), have them seek evaluation and treatment from their doctor as soon as possible.]

Outside Resources:

Communicating With Difficult People by Deborah Mackin

Dealing with Difficult People: 27 Secrets & Strategies You Can Apply Today by Colleen Kettenhofen

Dealing With The Negative People In Your Life by Alex Landis

I love creativity, especially when it’s combined with humor . . .

HEMA is a Dutch department store chain. The first store opened in Amsterdam on November 4, 1926. Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands. HEMA also has stores in Belgium and Germany. In June of 2007, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital LLP.

Take a look at HEMA’s product page. You can’t order anything and it’s in Dutch, but wait about four seconds and watch what happens.

Here is the link to their product page: http://producten.hema.nl/

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer. Enjoy!

And to everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!

On Monday we’ll continue with Part 3 of the Family Caregivers Communication Class.

Cushion the painful effects of hard blows by keeping
the enthusiasm going strong, even if doing so requires
struggle.

~ Norman Vincent Peale

This is Part 2 in a series.

You can read Part 1 “Think Before You Speak” here.

Last week I recommended that you think before you speak about difficult topics with your aging parents. This week I am adding one more important pre-communication strategy, along with communication guidelines for these discussions.

Think About Your Aging Parents’ Perspective

While I call senior citizens “Golden Oldies” out of respect for their life experiences and wisdom, you may have heard elderly people say that this stage of life is not so golden by any means. Think about how you might feel when you reach your 70’s, 80’s and beyond.

Changes happen to their bodies, minds and lives that they may have no control over.

For example, worsening eye sight and/or hearing, slowing down of reflexes and thinking, some forgetfulness, seeing friends become ill or die, having less energy to accomplish daily tasks, or recognizing the role reversal that’s occurring as they feel less in charge of their lives and their grown children are making more and more suggestions!

How would you feel in their place?

Afraid? Worried? Frustrated? Angry? Depressed?

Keep in mind that your aging parents are most likely feeling these strong emotions on a day-to-day basis. Then perhaps you can open your heart and speak from a place of compassion as well as with your practical goals in mind for the conversation. You may find great resistance to your ideas, or resistance to even broaching these tough issues. And this resistance is probably coming from your parents’ emotions, and not as a response to you personally. Try to hold onto this thought as you navigate through choppy waters!

“Kind words are the music of the world.”
~ F. W. Faber

Do’s and Don’ts for Caregiver Communication

[Note: These skills are for conversations with your Golden Oldies who do not have any cognitive impairments (i.e. dementia, Alzheimer's disease). Specific skills for that situation will be covered in an upcoming class in this series.]

• Even though your roles may have reversed, do not speak to your aging parents as if they are your children and you are their parents. Speak with them as you like to be spoken to — as equals, with respect and kindness. Don’t use a judgmental or condescending tone of voice.

• Stay calm and don’t lose emotional control. Try to avoid arguing, even though family members are often most highly skilled at “pushing each others’ buttons.” If your parents object to your ideas, try explaining them again. If you recognize the conversation is going downhill, see if you can turn it around by staying “on message” in a positive way.

• Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements. For example, instead of saying “You should . . .” or “You’ve got to . . .” use phrases such as “I think . . .” “I was hoping we could . . .” or “I’d like it if we . . . .” This is another reason to think carefully about what you want to say before you begin and to rehearse your words in advance.

• Use the 3-F formula (feel, felt, found). Avoid using the words, “I know how you feel” because your Golden Oldies will be thinking, “Oh no, you don’t!” Instead, use the 3-F’s: “I can see that you feel anxious about moving into assisted living. I think Aunt Regina and Uncle Frank felt that way too when they had to move. However, they found that after a few weeks, it really wasn’t as bad as they had anticipated.”

• Acknowledge your parents’ objections kindly. Don’t counter a potentially negative response immediately. Use a verbal cushion such as “I appreciate your fears about turning your checkbook over to me to pay your bills . . . Can you say more about why you think this may not work out?” Try to get to the crux of their objections.

• Paraphrase and ask questions for better understanding. Repeat what your parent said in your own words: “If I understand you correctly, you’re thinking that . . . .” This can also be done with emotions: “I sense that you’re feeling depressed about this.” Ask “how” and “what” questions to try to get your parents to share more of their concerns. Keep a dialogue going by not asking questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”

• Practice active listening, which means listening attentively. Really focus on what your parents are saying, without thinking ahead to what ideas you want to respond with.

• When you reach a conclusion or solution, double-check to insure everyone is on the same page: “Am I clear that these steps, X, Y and Z, are what you want to do next?”

• You may have to agree to disagree and revisit the topic at another time. Finish the conversation on a positive note, with gratitude that you and your Golden Oldies have started a discussion about whatever the issue is. Be sure to leave them with kind words, affection and appreciation for the efforts they’ve just made in communicating with you.

“Never part without loving words to think of during your absence. It may be that you will not meet again in this life.”
~ Jean Paul Richter

What other techniques have you found work well when talking over tough issues with your Golden Oldies? Or with other family members?

Please add them in the comments below . . .

Outside Resources:

Communicating With Difficult People by Deborah Mackin

Dealing with Difficult People: 27 Secrets & Strategies You Can Apply Today by Colleen Kettenhofen

Here’s a bunch of quickies — have your rim shot handy!

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Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Ba-da bum!

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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender says, “Olive or Twist?”

Ba-da bum!

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What was the name of the Wicked Witch of the West in the movie “The Wizard of Oz”?

Give up?

Ding Dong!

(You know . . . Ding Dong the Witch is dead.)

Ba-da bum!

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To everyone in my TLeC community, have a great weekend!

Check back on Monday when we’ll continue with Part 2 of our class on Family Caregiver Communication.

“Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.”

~ Dale Turner

Photo: Jeff Abbit

Helene Moore became a family caregiver for her husband after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in 1993. Two wonderful things came out of this very difficult experience, and one of them is the Adopt a Caregiver program. The motivation behind this program in Moore’s words:

“Alzheimer’s disease is not contagious, yet the caregivers are usually left alone without the support of friends and neighbors, even family. This disease can last for many years, leaving the caregiver worn out and alone.

Adopt A Caregiver is my unique way of giving back. . . . .

Just send an email or phone the person who needs a friend, listen and come back often to let him/her know you care and are thinking of them. Just being there to listen is a huge help. “

I want to spread the word about this compassionate, brilliant and simple-to-achieve idea.

How Do I Find a Caregiver to Adopt?

Moore suggests checking your neighborhood, your social clubs, churches, synagogues, your doctor’s office, the Alzheimer’s Association message boards, and the Mayo Clinic message boards for starters.

My additional idea is to simply keep your eyes and ears open. As the population ages, more and more people around us are becoming caregivers for Golden Oldies right in their own families. Believe me, caregivers won’t be hard to find once you are aware of this need!

What Can I Do to Help a Caregiver?

People who haven’t taken on the responsibility of caregiving have a hard time understanding all of the pressures, worries and stress involved. Having someone to talk to about the hardest days, as well as the brighter days, is huge! Having more than one person to talk with is even better! While I am fortunate to have a small group of relatives and friends to share my caregiving stories with, I feel at times they may be tired of hearing about it, so I just keep quiet. A new person to share with would be welcome; especially if they arrive with the express purpose of “adopting” me!

Along with listening and lending support via phone or email, if you know the caregiver personally, you may ask to visit their Golden Oldie(s) with them. (Or if their aging parents live with them, spend time visiting the whole family in the caregiver’s home.) Simply having another person there actually makes the atmosphere lighter during visits. I’ve experienced this phenomena myself many times. As a family caregiver some days it is just so hard to visit my Mom’s board & care home and be in an “up” mood. Sharing the visit with a friend makes it much more enjoyable, both for the caregiver and their loved one, too.

If the caregiver is going out of town, you can offer to visit their Golden Oldies while they’re away. My cousins do this for me, and it is very reassuring to know others are keeping an extra eye on my Mom, and providing additional social interaction for her while I’m absent.

You can ask the caregiver if they’d like you to do a chore, run an errand, or cook a meal for them. Caregiving takes an enormous amount of energy, both physical and mental, and they might be too worn out to care for their own household on some days. Follow up with them, and don’t take “No” for an answer.

Encourage the family caregiver to “pamper themselves” in whatever way they’d like. Maybe it’s getting a massage, taking a long bubble bath, reading a book, doing their favorite sport or hobby, taking a walk or writing in their journal. Let them decide whatever actions to take to help to rejuvenate and refresh them. While family caregivers hear this message to care for themselves often, they don’t always make the time, or feel they have the time, to self-care. If you are able, check to be sure they are making time to pamper themselves regularly to prevent caregiver burnout, which in itself could create additional problems for them to deal with.

The Second Positive Outcome from Caregiving

I mentioned that Moore had two positive results from her caregiving experience. The second one was the writing of her book Behind the Mask in which she talks about what it was like being a caregiver.

Here are Moore’s words about the inception of this book. When her husband, Howard, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease:

” . . . my world caved in.

I started a secret journal to relieve my pain, while I smiled for Howard. it saved my sanity.

Seven years later they changed the diagnosis, and when I finally showed Howard my journal. He said, ‘You have to publish this. It’s beautiful, it’s you.’

Behind The Mask is that journal . . .”

While I haven’t read her book yet, I can’t wait to get my hands on a copy! Along with reading her whole caregiving journey, the mystery I want to understand is how Howard could have been misdiagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and how the Moores then coped with the journey this error sent them on!

You can read excerpts from Behind the Mask here. And learn more about the Adopt a Caregiver Program here.

Please Adopt a Caregiver today!

If you have already adopted a caregiver and want to add suggestions on what we can do to show our support, please leave them in the comment section below.

A girlfriend recently told me she had “The Talk” with her mother as spokesperson for all of her siblings. To which I replied, “Cindy, exactly which ‘Talk’ was it?”

As family caregivers you will most likely have more than one conversation with your aging parents on topics that are uncomfortable or difficult to discuss. These might include hiring in-home caregivers when more assistance is needed, moving out of their homes into assisted living, giving up driving, facing medical concerns and end-of-life issues, making decisions about funerals, wills and estates, plus a myriad of other issues.

This series will provide you with skills and strategies to ease these types of serious conversations. Future parts of this series will cover: talking with negative-thinking seniors, how to talk with seniors showing signs of dementia, and how to communicate with seniors who have physical impairments, such as vision loss, hearing loss or aphasia (not being able to speak). If you have a communication issue with your aging parents you’d like me to add, please feel free to contact me directly.

OK, let’s get started!

Communicating Is More Than Speaking & Listening

When we think about communicating, two aspects come to mind immediately — speaking and listening. However, when you are going to speak about important topics with your aging parents, it would be wise to think things through carefully on your own before you actually talk with them.

Think ahead about what your goal is for the conversation. Become familiar with what your concerns and motivations are, so you can express them clearly. Do you need to learn everything about your parents’ financial status, or do you have a more specific need, i.e. do they have long-term care insurance? Do they need to hire in-home caregivers or should they consider a move to assisted living? Focus on the specifics of what you want to cover.

Consider why a topic is difficult for you to broach with your Golden Oldies. For example, many of us are fearful of speaking about death and dying, especially with the people we love. Think through your own fears or insecurities on a subject first, so you can come to terms with the ideas yourself to some degree. Otherwise your emotional reactions may get in the way of communicating clearly with your parents.

For example, about twelve years ago, I had to tell my parents about a possible life-threatening illness and surgery I was facing. I was so incredibly nervous about telling them the bad news! Before I broached the subject, I figured out that I was worried they wouldn’t be able to handle the bad news I was going to tell them. Then I realized that I was being ridiculous! They were already in their 80’s at the time, and had been through many struggles during their lives. They had already taught me by example multiple times they were great at “rolling with the punches.” By thinking this through, I was able to lower my anxiety greatly and made our resulting conversation much easier from my perspective. (And they were wonderful in their calm reaction and supportive response to my health problem too.)

Be clear on this point: Are you doing this with your Golden Oldies or for them? Are they able to actively participate in the discussion and resulting decision? If it’s a safety issue, they may not have veto power over the decision you see necessary. This will definitely effect how you will present the problem and possible solutions. Or decide if it is something that really is their decision and you’re just sharing your opinion about it with them.

Image credit: gutter’s photostream

Bring notes. Do your research ahead of time to gather information you may want to present. While writing down your ideas, your brain “practices” what you want to say to your Golden Oldies. In this way you have the words to use in mind rather than reacting emotionally on the spot. And what words we choose to use definitely matter when the topics are emotional ones!

A letter can also be a way of easing into a hard subject. You can write a note ahead of time expressing your worries and your desire to have a discussion with your loved ones. This will allow your Golden Oldies time to think about the topic and gather their ideas as well. A friend of mine actually had her husband write a letter to her aging parents about her concerns, because she realized they had always communicated better with her husband over the years on important family matters.

Carefully select your time to start the conversation. If you know your aging parents are more energetic in the morning, you may want to see them then rather than later in the afternoon when they are more likely to need a nap. It may seem obvious, but catching seniors at their optimal time of day can help discussions go more smoothly. You as family caregiver should also feel well-rested and relaxed when you know you will be tackling a hard subject. Don’t start a deep discussion when any of you are feeling stressed or tired, mentally or physically. And select a place free of distractions or interruptions. Make sure there is ample time for the discussion and that none of you will have to head off to another activity or appointment.

Don’t rush the conversation to a conclusion because that could prove frustrating to you and your aging parents. As we age, it takes longer to do things, and that includes thinking things over as ideas unfold. This is especially true if it is the first time you’re broaching a hard subject. Many of the potentially emotional topics will need to be discussed several times before decisions are reached. Realize that fact going in and don’t try to rush your Golden Oldies into making decisions.

On the other hand, do not avoid conversations if they involve the safety of your aging parents or other people around them. It is easy to put off emotional conversations, but that won’t make the decisions any easier. Waiting will only increase the potential risk to your aging parents and others. And it is always better to make decisions beforehand, and not when you’re all in the midst of a family crisis.

Do you have any pre-communication strategies that you have used with your aging parents? Please share them in the comments below.

If you have any other family caregiver communication topics you’d like addressed in this series, please either leave them in the comments below or use the Contact form above to reach me.

What’s the best way to describe a bachelor?
A man who never Mrs. a woman.

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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb — it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.

Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

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And possibly the best chicken joke ever . . .

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, “Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.”

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To everyone in my TLeC community, have a great weekend!

Check back on Monday for a new series starting about communicating with our aging parents.

Photo Credit: woodleywonderworks

I read this quote from Leadership Courage and knew immediately I had to share it with you.

Substitute the word “caregiver” wherever you see the word “leader” and “caregiving” in place of “leadership” in the paragraphs below.

Hope you get as much motivation from this passage as I do! Hang in there!

Be Optimistic

“Some people think that optimism is about living in a Pollyanna world where everything is nice and bad things never happen to good people. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. Optimism really is a courageous state of mind – one that comes from a person’s desire, effort, and choice to accept and make the best of difficult situations. Certainly, the road of optimism is not without its potholes. And that’s especially true from those in leadership positions.

If you serve as a leader long enough, you’ll undoubtedly come face to face with setbacks and unexpected events that have the potential to be devastating. People and situations change, and your ability to remain optimistic will surely be tested against fear of the unknown. Refusing to engage in the all-too-common “woe is me” lament takes courage.

The optimistic leader believes that defeat is a temporary setback – isolated to a given situation. He or she wants the best possible outcome and therefore concentrates on finding something positive and hopeful in what appears to be a hopeless situation. This is a leader who understands a basic principle of human nature: You usually see whatever it is you are looking for.”

~ David Cottrell and Eric Harvey