Publicly sharing a true confession earlier this week got me thinking about regrets I have as a family caregiver.  Looking back, there are definitely some things I would have done differently while caring for Mom and Dad.  They’re hard to acknowledge, and I am very sad when I think about them.  I wanted so much to be the perfect daughter and caregiver!

But, I also know I made the best decisions I could based on the situations and the knowledge I had at the time those decisions were made.

I refuse to beat myself up over these regrets.  And I try very hard not to dwell on them too often nor for too long.

What about you?  Do you have caregiving regrets? How do you deal with them? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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Often regret is very false and displaced, and imagines the past to be totally other than it was.

~ John O’ Donohue

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People have to face regrets. Becoming mature means learning to accept what you cannot change, facing unresolved sorrows and learning to love life as it really happens, not as you would have it happen.

~ Barbara Sher

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I have many regrets, and I’m sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret . . .  if you have any sense, and if you don’t regret them, maybe you’re stupid.

~ Katharine Hepburn

In a prior post I acknowledged that in our role as family caregivers, we’ve all  probably lost our patience with our aging parents or care recipients at some point. I also promised to share with you my own experience, so here goes.

I Never Lost My Patience (Part One of Two)

I was a long distance caregiver to my parents during the years my mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. It’s easy to keep your patience when you live three thousand miles away and the caregiving consists mainly of supportive phone calls and a few short visits a year.

About two years after her diagnosis, when my parents moved to an assisted living facility in my town, my mom was at the start of the middle stage of this horrible disease.  Through the excellent free resources of my local Alzheimer’s Association, I had educated myself via workshops and lots of reading about caregiving for dementia patients.  I was also attending a support group for adult children of Alzheimer’s patients on a regular basis which provided more insight and other people to share experiences with.

The knowledge I gained from the time my mom was diagnosed until the time she and my dad moved here armed me with an understanding and deep compassion for people struck by any memory-impairing disease.  And while I saw my parents multiple times a week once they lived nearby, I do not remember a single time when I lost patience and blew up at either one or them, face-to-face or by phone.  (I just checked with my husband and he couldn’t think of any incidences like that either.)

So How Did I Keep from Losing It?

OK, this was probably a wimpy way out (or at best, passive-aggressive behavior), but I would rely completely on my husband to interact with my parents for me when I needed some space as a caregiver.  As their only child, I was their sole source of emotional support, and I thought it could be extremely hurtful if I was nasty, mean or rude to them.  I truly didn’t want to hurt them in any way at this stage in their lives.

I did two things that stopped me from losing patience with my parents:

1.  I vented to my husband . . . a lot!  I would whine and complain whenever I felt the caregiving issues and duties were overwhelming me.  As an only child, one comment I often made was, “This is just too much for one person to handle!” (Of course, there are pros and cons about being a caregiver and an only child, but that’s another post.)

I must also point out, my parents were always very independent and considerate!  They never expressed a desire to live with my family and only did so for a few weeks when they were moving.  I always had our own home as my sanctuary to retreat to.  I don’t know how I would have managed had we all lived under the same  roof — which makes me sympathize even more with family caregivers who do accomplish this incredible feat with aplomb!

2.  I would have my husband “run interference” for me when I was reaching my caregiving breaking point.  Jeff is an absolutely extraordinary man, and I have to publicly thank him again for being such a vital part of my caregiving “village.”  There were times my father would call and I just couldn’t bear to deal with whatever question or problem they had.  Jeff would return the call and handle everything for me when I just couldn’t do it myself.

One particular incident really stands out in my mind.  I had just arrived at Disneyland to meet a group of friends (we’re locals and had an annual pass at the time) and spend the evening dancing to a favorite band playing there.  (As I’ve written here before, dance is one of my major ways to relieve stress!) My pager beeped and I saw it was my parents’ phone number.  I immediately called Jeff at home and he willingly returned my Dad’s phone call, explained I was gone for the evening, and helped them in my absence.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to turn around and leave the Happiest Place on Earth as soon as I had arrived.  I know how lucky I am to have had such a reliable and caring backup person on my caregiving team.

Do you have a family member, friend or neighbor you can ask to be your back up for those times you just need to have some time away from caregiving?  And don’t feel guilty arranging for this assistance!

I Never Lost my Patience . . . Yeah, Right (Part Two of Two)

Ironically, I would lose my patience on the telephone multiple times with my parents years before I ever became their family caregiver!

I moved out to California in my mid-20’s and we’d talk on the phone about once a week to catch up.  I would find myself very upset or angry with my parents by the end of many conversations.  I remember wishing they would just leave me alone and stop telling me what to do!

These negative emotions, along with some other issues, led me to get counseling for a few months to gain a better understanding of myself.  My therapist taught me a very important life lesson which I know helped me become a more patient caregiver when I took on that role.

The lesson was for me to change my perception of what they said.

It was to recognize that the words my parents were actually saying, which I perceived as criticism or telling me how to run my life, were only one surface layer. What I needed to learn and embrace 100% was the understanding that beneath whatever “negative” words I was hearing, what my parents were really saying to me was, “We love you!”

They cared about and loved me deeply.  They weren’t criticizing me; they were suggesting ways I could make my life even better.  It was all in my perception of the intent behind their words, not what their words were!  It was the unspoken message they were sending that I needed to focus on.

Once I learned this important lesson, it made all the difference in the world when communicating with them in a patient and loving manner, both long distance and while up close and personal.  And I think this basic understanding also kept me from losing patience with them when I later shouldered the responsibility and stress of caregiving.

True Confessions are now officially over.

In a future post, we’ll talk about practical ways we can smooth things over when we do blow our cool with our Golden Oldies.

Last week’s post about having patience with our aging parents (aka Golden Oldies), caused me to think about the exact opposite experience.  Despite our best efforts, each of us has probably lost our patience and blown up at our care recipients at one time or another, in some way or other.  We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.

My question to you is, “Then what?”

How did you handle repairing any hurt you may have caused by lashing out at someone you’re caring for and, most likely, care deeply about?  What steps did you take to make things right? What did you do or not do? How did they react?

It’s true confessions time.

I promise to share my story in next week’s post, but you go first in the comment section below. 

Patience is the name of the lion on the south side of the New York Public Library.

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

~  C. S. Lewis

Patience and fortitude conquer all things.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.

~ Arnold H. Glasgow

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Photo Credit:  ori0nis’ photostream

Slow down, you move too fast.

You got to make the morning last.

Just kicking down the cobble stones.

Looking for fun and feelin’ groovy.

~  Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel

Lately I’m more aware than ever of how fast our society moves, and how we are living at an ever-accelerating pace.  People want and expect instant action, access and/or results in so many realms of life!

We eat at fast food restaurants.  We buy ready-made food at the market.  We watch movies at home “on demand.”  We drive 70 mph on freeways and pay tolls electronically via “FastTrack” devices.  TV news broadcasts nearly always start with “Breaking News.”  At Disneyland, the “happiest place on earth,” we purchase a “Fast Pass” to avoid waiting in long lines.  Immediacy and speed define our world.

We can be reached by phone, whether home or away — and now even in foreign countries.  Cell phones allow us to be forever connected . . . and the people who are calling us are asking for a fast response back.   If they reach an answering machine at our home or office, instead of leaving a message, they’ll call our cell phone — if they even called our land line to begin with.   And if leaving a phone message won’t suffice,  they’ll then attempt to reach us by text, email, or Facebook chat — thanks to iPhones, Blackberries and other PDA’s.  Immediate connections rule.

I fear as a society we are losing an important character trait called “patience.”

In business the same frenetic rules apply.  People have learned many companies are reachable 24/7 thanks to the internet, and customers expect answers to their questions or problems as soon as possible. A business person recently told me they answer all customer queries within 24 hours — and this is in an industry that is not “life or death” by any means!

As these business owners stay in constant contact with their customers, they are thereby training these customers to expect instant replies from other businesses as well, and not to be satisfied if they don’t get them.  An ever-increasing cycle of higher expectations and faster responses grows.

How does all of this relate to being a family caregiver?

As caregivers we need to realize our aging parents (aka Golden Oldies) don’t live in a world ruled by this accelerated pace of life.  While they may use computers or cell phones (although many don’t), they aren’t tied to them, and the instant gratification gained by using technology, in the same way baby boomers, Gen X, Gen Y and the millenial generations are.

As family caregivers, we need to be mindful of this and adjust accordingly when caring for or even just visiting our aging parents.  We must embrace the character trait of patience when we’re with them, caring for them and during our interactions with them.  It is necessary to shift into a lower gear when entering their world.  It is unkind, and creates tension in our relationships with them, if we try to force them to function in our much faster moving world.

It really won’t be harmful to our health to slow down for a day, or even for just a few hours, when spending quality time with them.  Enjoy slipping into their world  — where you can still find phones with cords, analog clocks, an AM/FM radio and TV’s that are large boxes that don’t hang on the living room wall.  Shut your cell phone off for a few hours when you’re together and enjoy the peace it affords.

Don’t expect your aging parents to move at a fast pace, eat quickly, or even think as  fast as we have become accustomed to doing.  We need to s-l-o-w down and embrace the easier, more gentle pace they live in when we’re around them. It gives us caregivers time to “stop and smell the roses.”  Yes, the amount of time we spend with them is important, but also how we spend that time together also counts.

Nike’s “Just Do It” slogan doesn’t cut it by Golden Oldie standards.  For their generation this is what mattered:  taking the time to make a decision, weighing the options, figuring out the best, most efficient and probably the most economical way to accomplish something.  Despite the fast-paced lives we lead, a slow and deliberate approach is still a good alternative to just doing it.

“We say we waste time, but that is impossible. We waste ourselves.”

~ Alice Bloch

Embrace the opportunity to relax and decompress with your Golden Oldies — don’t  avoid it.  They give you the time and space to do so when you’re with them — they are experts at it, so learn from them.    It gives you time to re-charge your batteries before heading back out into the  ever-accelerating, fast-paced world we live in.

And whatever you do, don’t make them speed up — ain’t gonna happen! Meet them in their world, appreciate and honor it.

You must have been warned against letting the golden hours slip by; but some of them are golden only because we let them slip by.

~ James Matthew Barrie

I’d love to get your thoughts on having patience in the comment section below.  For starters, do you or don’t you?

Christmas gift suggestions:
To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.

~ Oren Arnold (1900-1980)

No matter where you live, whether it’s warm, cold, snowing or raining outside, I hope you will get cozy and immerse yourselves in the joys of the holiday season with family and friends.

There is nothing more important for the human spirit than connecting with others who are dear to you!

Thank you for reading my words of advice, inspiration and humor this year!

Happy Holidays and see you in 2010!

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Photo Credit:  Matti Mattila’s photostream

Please watch at least the first two minutes of the following inspiring video.

The quality of the film isn’t super sharp, but the message is clear as a bell!

If you have trouble viewing the above, please click here.

When I dance, I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole.  That is why I dance.

~ Hans Bos

And if dancing isn’t your “thing,” what activity, interest or pastime in your life provides you with the utter joy and sense of accomplishment this Golden Oldie has found through dancing?  Once you’ve identified it, make time to indulge in whatever that activity is, both to simply pamper yourself and to forget about the stress and strains of everyday life for awhile.  You deserve it!!

P.S.  In researching this video, I’ve read reports that the woman is either in her 80’s or 90’s.  Her exact age doesn’t matter, as this proves that age is truly just a number.  She is young in heart and spirit, not to mention flexibility!

Please feel free to share whatever your diversion is in the comment section below.  Mine is also dancing — but a different kind called Lindy Hop or Swing Dancing.

I actually heard this idea while at the hairdresser and thought it was simply brilliant!

The woman who came up with this idea has an elderly mother still able to live in her own home but only with the assistance of different caregivers on various shifts during the week.  Her mother has dementia so in order to keep track of the front door key from shift to shift, the woman’s daughter attached a lock box to the front door.  After they are hired, the caregivers are given the combination for the lock box in which the key is kept.  Upon arrival for their shift, they get the key out of the lock box and when their shift is over, they replace the key.  Voila!  No issues on where the front door key is or who has it!

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The winner of the contest we ran the last few weeks in honor of National Family Caregivers Month was drawn randomly from the entries received.  Thank you to all who participated!!

And the winner is  (drumroll please) . . . Shiela!

We will send you an email today, Shiela, to get the mailing address you want your prize sent to.

Congratulations!!!

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity . . .  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

~ Melody Beattie

At this time of gratitude and reflection, I’m thankful to everyone in the TLeC community for your continued support during a year that was difficult for me  due to the loss of my mom in May.  Your thoughtful comments, encouragement, and the conversations we create here mean the world to me!

I hope you enjoy fun times with family and friends this holiday weekend.  Cherish the time together because that’s what life is truly all about!

And while you’re at it, take a moment to thank a caregiver, too!

Check back on Monday to see who wins the prize in our contest!  It’s not too late to enter — entries are being accepted until Sunday PM.   Have a great weekend!

“Music is part of being human.”

~ Oliver W. Sacks

To continue our celebration of and gratitude for all caregivers during National Family Caregivers Month 2009, TLeC is holding it’s very first contest!

• It is open to all caregivers, families employing caregivers, and/or eldercare professionals in the U.S.A.

• It starts November 16, 2009 and all entries must be received no later than 6pm PST on November 29, 2009.  The one (1) winner will be chosen at random and announced here on November 30, 2009. Prize will be shipped to the winner by TLeC.

• How to Enter:  Sign up for the TLeC Newsletter in the top right hand section of this page, under the blue headline “Get More Caregiving Tips from Tender Loving Eldercare!”  Type in your name and email address, click on the “Sign Me Up” button, and complete the one last step of clicking on the link in the confirmation email that will be delivered instantly to your inbox.  That final step is important — it both completes your newsletter sign up  and also enters you into the contest.  That’s all you have to do! Easy Peasy!

What Can You Win?

The prize is a wonderful DVD set called “Toe-Tapping Songs” created by Darlene Hamby, a music specialist in the eldercare field.  The set centers around a collection of 20 songs to sing along to.  They are all “feel good” tunes, and caregivers, seniors (or Golden Oldies as I like to call them) and their families will enjoy them. It consists of a DVD of a music session, with Darlene playing the piano and singing with senior citizens, and also includes six sing-along song books.  Inside the song books, you will find one page dedicated to each song containing the lyrics in LARGE PRINT and a photo to match the song’s theme.  It is packaged in a compact binder which is both easy to store and easy to travel with.

Darlene’s love of both music and Golden Oldies shines through as she sings and plays the piano on this DVD.  I’ve had the pleasure of participating in one of her live music sessions and I’m sure people of all ages will enjoy having their own sing-alongs with Darlene via this DVD.  This set can be used to create fun music sessions during family gatherings or in an assisted living facility’s activity program.  It will be a big hit over and over again in either setting!

Here is a preview of the prize:

DVD Sing-Along Music Set

Sample of a Song Page

Toe-Tapping Songs Table of Contents

So get your entries in now!  And please feel free to tell others about this contest in your caregiving world as well!  Thanks!