My Mom, Aida Ennis Brodsky, lived 99 years, 9 months and 27 days.  She would have turned 100 years old on Saturday, July 4th.

In loving memory of this wonderful woman, I’ve decided to publish the eulogies my husband and I read at her funeral service in May.  Thank you for allowing me to share them with you.

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The definition of the word “lady” in the dictionary reads “a woman of refinement and gentle manners,” and those words describe my Mom perfectly.

The dictionary says being a woman of refinement means she is “free from impurities.” My Mom Aida was very soft-spoken and I never heard her yell, curse or even come close to doing either.   Her refinement was also evident in her poise, her un-hurried manner and her outer beauty.  She had lovely thick hair (dark brown and then a pretty “white owl” gray), sparkling brown eyes and smooth, soft skin.  Even into her 90’s her skin was relatively free of wrinkles, thanks to the religious use of Ponds cold cream, her favorite beauty aid.

She was gentle and pure from the inside out; ever classy, full of kindness, and always, always polite.  She was truly the epitome of a lady in every way.  Even in her final years, when Alzheimer’s disease robbed her of her ability to speak more than a few words, the one phrase her caregiver, Regina, told me she’d say to whomever was helping her was “Thank you!” She was simply amazing.

As my Aunt Eleanor, my Mom’s sister-in-law, remarked to me this week on the phone, my Mom had “an eye for quality. It was instinctual.”  She could go into any consignment shop and find the special antique treasures amidst all the tchachkees [Yiddish for knick-knacks]. When I was a child we spent hours together in her favorite little consignment shop called “Gems and Junk,” because antiquing was one of her great joys in life.

Her deep love and constant devotion to her family was paramount above all else.  During a trip back to his alma mater, my Dad, Al, spotted her in the hallways of Bushwick High School.  Her family didn’t own a phone in the mid-1920’s, so he wrote her a letter of introduction and asked her out.  The rest is history.  They were married in 1928 and celebrated their 76^th wedding anniversary before my Dad passed away in 2005.  An enduring marriage like that is so very rare, especially these days.  We are blessed to have had them as a role model.

They stood by each other through the good times and the harder times.  When my Dad had triple bypass surgery at age 84, my mom quickly gave up her outside-the-home hobbies and activities to stay by his side and watch over him for not just months, but years.  I have a picture of her in my mind standing by his chair in the living room in Florida lovingly stroking his head as he watched TV in his favorite easy chair.  They were truly soul mates and I take some comfort in knowing their spirits are now reunited for eternity.

Growing up we always had family get-togethers - Brodsky “family circle meetings” in our basement, birthday parties, New Year’s Eve parties, and bar-b-ques in the backyard in Malverne.  Almost every weekend included visits with some of my many aunts, uncles, cousins or family friends.  And it was an extra special time when Mom’s California family came all the way to NY to visit!  My mom was my first example of what a family caregiver does as we’d visit her father, my Grandpa Kiva in Brooklyn and later Far Rockaway, to check on him, help him, and bring him home-cooked rotisserie chicken several times a month.

I was born when she was 45 years old and they had already been married for 25 years!!  Think about that for a moment.  Most of us here are at least 45 now - can you imagine the overnight culture shock they must have gone through when I suddenly came along?!  They gave me a charmed life full of only the best, yet they were always cautious about not spoiling me. My mom would often say, at the times she was most proud of me, “I don’t want to say too much because I’m afraid of giving you a swelled head.”

As I was growing up, we had loads of fun together as a mother-daughter team.  She was a Girl Scout co-leader for several troops I was in; we collected coins and stamps together; she taught me the basics of knitting, crocheting, cross-stitch and embroidery.  She was a fabulous seamstress, but that trait I didn’t pick up on, much to her chagrin.  In fact, she saved me from a failing grade in Home Economics when I burned a hole ironing a yellow a-line dress I had just sewn for a final project.  She quickly designed and helped me sew a yoke over the burned spot to cover up my blunder in time to turn it in the next morning!  She took me to ballet lessons, made me take piano lessons, came to all of my dance, chorus and piano recitals, and also cheered me on while I was a cheerleader in high school!  No girl could ask for a more involved and supportive Mom.

At age 80, she became a Grandma for the first time!  Robbie, I’m sure she would say it was definitely worth the wait.  When we’d visit them in Florida, she was so proud as she showed Robbie off to her friends and neighbors.  I would tease her about the “Shrine to Robbie” she made on the wall above the kitchen table.  It was a collage of Robbie pictures - some in frames, some just taped to the wall — skip the frames, just get them up there! And speaking of photos, she loved taking pictures ever since I could remember.  She was great about taking her camera with her everywhere — capturing many family events, people and scenery on various trips.  It wasn’t about doing photography with the latest and greatest camera as a hobby; it was her way of capturing family history in the making.  And we have tons of photo albums to prove it.

One other quality I observed in my mom was her strength, both mental and physical.  Her parents were Russian immigrants and everyone in their family knew you had to work hard to get somewhere in America.  The children were sent to public school to learn English because Yiddish was spoken at home.  After graduating from high school she was a legal secretary and stenographer for about 25 years, and then became a full time stay-at-home mom.  Yes, she got to fully engage in both roles and didn’t have to juggle these commitments simultaneously as modern women do. She and my Dad were already married at the time of the stock market crash, the Depression and World War II.  When my Dad was drafted, my Mom kept Amalite, his tool manufacturing business, going successfully for the years he was in the Army.  She oversaw the office and the factory, all the while thinking constantly about her husband fighting a war overseas.

While waiting through the one year period for my adoption to become final, my mom worried so much that she developed very bad colitis.  Her weight went down to about 85 lbs., and the doctor said she had to have major surgery if she was going to survive.  She had the surgery, but then had to adjust to using a medical device for the rest of her life.  This very difficult experience would test anyone’s mettle, and she showed great courage in facing this harsh reality head on.

Aside from that ordeal, she was physically very healthy the rest of her life.  She only had two other relatively minor surgeries.  I have to marvel that at age 99, the only medicine she needed was thyroid pills, which she took along with her daily vitamins. We should all be so lucky!

Most sadly, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in about 1998 and had to live for over ten years as her long and short term memories were slowly destroyed and her brain processing further deteriorated step by step. No one should have to experience this type of continuous decline, and no family should have to witness it.  I pray they find a cure for this horrible disease soon.

But through all of the challenges my Mom faced, I don’t remember ever hearing her complain!  She always told me we have to “roll with the punches,” and she taught me this repeatedly by the way she lived her life.

You will live forever in our hearts.  I love you!

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Jeff’s Eulogy

Okay, I’ll confess. I started writing my thoughts about Aida back when she was just a young girl . . . you know . . . around 87 years old.

Aida was truly a sweet and caring lady with dignity and class.  She was pleasant.  She didn’t nag. And she never made you feel guilty.  That’s right…the ideal mother-in-law!

And thank God I liked her since she decided to hang around for 99 years!!

Of course, Aida had her amusing little quirks, too.

If she showed you one of her many vacation photo albums, you wouldn’t see scenic pictures of the coastline. You wouldn’t see photographs of Linda’s dad standing next to a famous statue. Instead, you’d see photo after photo of the paintings that were hanging in each of their hotel rooms.

During one of my last visits with Aida, it was a typical scene: her lying in bed, me holding her hand and trying to be lighthearted while getting a blank stare in return.

Yes, the same one most of you give me when I think I’m being funny.

As I was leaving her room, I stood in the doorway and blew her a kiss. She looked at me and in a clear voice, she said ‘Thank you.’

And that’s from a person that most of us would think was completely tuned out due to the nasty effects of the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease.

But I learned a valuable lesson . . .

None of us can know what a person can really see, hear, comprehend or feel no matter what condition they are in.

I would get frustrated at times watching Linda break down or be depressed after a not-so-pleasant visit with Aida. I thought Linda was wasting her time talking to her mom who seemed to be out of it.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I truly believe that the reason Linda’s mom lived as long as she did was because of the endless love and unselfish caring Linda showed her time after time after time.

Aida is so special that while others light candles for their birthdays, every year the nation lights fireworks in honor of her birthday.  Yes, she was born on the 4^th of July.

So this July and every July, when the sky is filled with beautiful fireworks lighting up the sky, take a moment to think of Linda’s dear mom, Aida. After all, being the wonderful person she was, always made the world a brighter place.

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Happy Fourth of July weekend to my wonderful TLeC community!

On Wednesdays at TLeC I usually provide inspiring quotes, photos and/or stories for caregivers.  Today for a change of pace, I am presenting words of wisdom about aging from a 90 year old man to share with your pessimistic aging parents.  Because along with caregivers, our senior citizens (or Golden Oldies as I prefer to call them) need some uplifting thoughts to hang on to as well.

Rabbi Joshua O. Haberman delivered a candid speech in April 2009 about the pros and cons of being 90.  For starters, when a friend asked him, “How do you feel being 90?”  He replied, “Very surprised!”

Here is my summary (quoting heavily from Rabbi Haberman’s talk) giving his six reasons to look at aging in a positive way:

• First you gain tranquility.  All the important decisions have been made in earlier years. . . . I have walked the walk, had my failures and successes.  All the pressures have eased.  I am more relaxed than ever.

• Your passion cools or the doctrine of insignificance. If a matter is not truly significant or important, don’t fret, don’t worry and don’t get yourself worked up.  Ignore it!  We get less frantic, less pushy in advanced age. . . . the experience of a long life teaches us that not all problems can be solved; and certainly, not by ourselves . . . All we can do is endure.

• The third gain is ‘the art of submission.’ There are passages in life you cannot control . . . let go, accept the unalterable. . . . change your attitude. Stop fighting. Accept what must be; and strangely, this kind of surrender to the unchangeable is conducive to peace of mind.

• The fourth gift harvested in old age is liberation from the compulsion or urge of setting everyone else straight. I am no longer looking to win every argument.  The intensity of your conviction is no proof that you are right. More often than before, it occurs to me that I might be wrong, that I don’t have all the answers. I have learned to listen more and talk less.

• The fifth dividend of old age is greater appreciation and gratitude. I have become more attentive to old and new friends. More often than before I keep in touch with old friends and reach out to new, especially,  younger people. . . . Giving thanks is the most effective and harmless mood-changer — the best antidote to cynicism and pessimism. . . . I appreciate far more each day, each hour, every bit of new knowledge and every moment with people I care for.

• The sixth and most important gain is more involvement with three generations of my family — children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Best of all is my love affair with a married woman — Maxine, my wife; and, my severest critic and yet, unfailing support in almost sixty-five years of marriage.

In a previous post about communicating with negative-thinking seniors I raise this point:

After they’ve vented about their list of complaints, immediately say to them, “Now tell me something positive.” Some aging parents don’t know how negative they’ve become. At first they will be astonished at your request, but by repeatedly giving them this gentle reminder, they may realize they don’t want to be such negative people and start to be more positive — at least around you!

So if your parents can’t think of something positive to share, you can now hand them this article to jump start their thinking on the benefits of growing older. 

If you or your Golden Oldies have other benefits of aging to share, please add a comment below. The how-to’s for leaving comments are given here.

Outside Resources:

The New York Times, The New Old Age Blog, by Paula Span, June 22, 2009

The Dilemmas of Aging by Rabbi Joshua O. Haberman, April 3, 2009

I “met” Mary Nix when she left comments here at TLeC and I visited her blog, EldercareABCBlog.com.  In one of her comments she explained she is a caregiver not only for her aging parents, but also for her younger sister.  Since that sounded unusual, I asked if I could interview her about her family’s story.  I’m very pleased to bring you this informative and touching caregiver interview.

How and when did you become a caregiver?  Please tell us about your care recipient(s).

When my younger sister was six years old, she was diagnosed with Cornelia DeLange Syndrome at the Cleveland Clinic. To this day I recall my parents’ conversation concerning her diagnosis and the Cleveland Clinic Doctors’ suggestion to put her in an institution.  They wanted to do what was right by all of their children and their final decision was to keep her with us at home. At the time I was eleven and I recall being greatly relieved by their choice.  Certainly, that isn’t to judge the fact that other families do choose that option, but for me, I just knew I didn’t want my little sister to leave our home. Growing up with a developmentally delayed sibling definitely helped prepare me to become a caregiver in many ways.  You are naturally protective, but you also learn the necessary advocacy skills that protecting the vulnerable brings.

Later when my future husband brought up marriage, we also discussed that someday my life would involve caring for my sister, so I guess caregiving has always been in the back of my mind.  For many years we searched for a duplex that would meet our needs as my parents and sister grew older and would need more assistance.  Never finding a neighborhood we loved as much as my parents’, eleven years ago, when they were 71 and 78, we added an addition that changed my parents‘ home into a duplex.  Shortly after that, Mom was diagnosed with Colon Cancer and my caregiving duties began when she returned from the hospital after a successful surgery.

Linda’s response:  Your childhood experiences certainly made you aware of caregiving at a young age, and prepared you for elder caregiving later in life.  Those are important insights that many adult children don’t have as they start their caregiving journey.  The description of your parents’ decision about keeping your sister at home with the family reminds me again that placement outside the home is never easy, no matter the age or which family member it’s being considered for - child, spouse, sibling or parent.

What do your caregiving responsibilities consist of on a daily, weekly or monthly basis?

Daily I cook dinner for my folks and run errands for them.  On any given day I may accompany one of them to a healthcare appointment to be an extra set of ears as they don’t hear as well as they used to. I also help them track their medications, refills, socialize with them, track doctors appointments and necessary procedures. If they get ill, my duty lists grows.

Linda’s response:  Being that extra set of ears is also part of being your Golden Oldies advocate for health care.

A couple of times a week I spend time with my younger sister going shopping, looking things up on the computer or just hanging out. It is a nice time for both of us.

When she was tested at the Clinic, it was explained that the part of her brain that comprehends things was fully developed, but one of the areas there was a delay in was communication and the ability to communicate.  I can only imagine how hard it has been on her for part of her brain to truly understand her situation, but the other to not be able to explain it all.   When she was very young we all took sign language, which helped her a great deal.

As an adult, her ability to express herself has improved, she has a great sense of humor and she is really a hoot to spend time with.  One thing I’ve seen over the years is that due to a lack of understanding, many people assume a lot of things about the handicapped.  This includes the field of medicine.  My Mom and I are involved in a group that is headed up by our family Dr. that will be creating educational videos for medical school students and other doctors on how to treat the developmentally delayed population. It is a very exciting project to be a part of and I am thankful that Mom’s lifelong activism continues.

Linda’s response:  In two paragraphs you have opened up an entire world of caregiving I’ve had no exposure to.  It adds another perspective for us who care only for Golden Oldies - and I suspect it is a caregiving experience with more similarities than differences.  I think the medical profession needs to be educated more on how to treat the senior population, and their caregivers, as well.

If you presently work (full or part time), how do you manage the time commitment involved in caregiving?

I work for EldercareABCblog.com, Home Education Magazine and run a web business with my husband.  All of these entail work at home, so I am extremely blessed to be able to adjust my schedule when needed, but I do keep a huge calendar on my wall to coordinate all of our endeavors.  I get up early and go to bed late!

What are some ways your life has changed since you became a caregiver?

I had always considered myself to be organized, but as my caregiving responsibilities have grown I’ve learned to not only organize, but also to prioritize!  I have also learned to let go of the fantasy of a perfectly clean house.

What is the most challenging aspect of caregiving for you?

I have had to learn to relax no matter what circumstances we are dealing with.  I’ve never had an affinity for nursing and medical emergencies always caused me great stress when they came up.  As an adult, I took CPR and Red Cross classes to try and overcome my uneasiness, but it wasn’t until I had to deal with repeated situations that I realized I had better learn to go with the flow.  We’ve had times of quiet when all is well and other times where both my parents were hospitalized.  We also have the situation of my handicapped sister who needs care in the midst of such situations, so it was either sink or swim and I chose to swim. As a caregiver I had to learn when to say no and to take care of myself so I could continue to offer care.

What is the most rewarding or enjoyable part of caregiving for you?

My parents and sister are kind, passionate and fun individuals to spend time with, but I think the most rewarding part of our journey has been the daily interaction my boys enjoyed growing up with that unconditional love and input from them.

Linda’s response:  I love the multigenerational interactions your family situation created.  There is a special bond between grandparents and grandchildren that is unique and precious.  Also, Mary, you are modeling for your sons how to be an extraordinary caregiver!

What do you do to take care of yourself to prevent caregiver burnout?

I’ve certainly experienced burn-out, so I’ve learned the hard way that if I don’t prevent it, I’m only hurting myself and my family. I’ve learned to advocate for myself, to take care of my health, exercise and to make time for my interests and hobbies.  I learned this after the time both parents were hospitalized and I felt like I was at the end of my rope.  It’s a real balance, but I sought and found support and learned more about resources that were available to us.

Linda’s response: It’s too bad you had to reach that low point. Can you elaborate on the support and/or resources you found when you reached burnout? Not everyone may have the same resources available, but perhaps it will spark ideas for support they haven’t thought of yet.

My husband and kids knew I was reaching a low point, so they kept on me.  I did look into going to a local support group, but I found that every time there was a meeting we either were in the midst of a crisis or had an appointment that could not be changed.  I found a great deal of moral support from visiting different online caregiver groups and by talking to friends who were in similar situations.

Our family doctor at that time was proactive in my care as well.  He helped me to learn to accept those things I could not change and to seek out and find the resources I needed to change those that I could. He and my husband both encouraged me to talk to my parents about my limitations.  This was difficult for me, as I did not want them to feel that they were a burden in any way.

I finally did approach my Mom and as often has been the case in my life, she was my biggest advocate. I told her that as often as we joked about us switching roles and me mothering them, I didn’t want that switch. I loved providing care, help and nurturing, but I still wanted and needed them as my parents. Maybe not in the role they had always played, but their wisdom and guidance were still very much needed. They were relieved that I had brought my being burnt out up, as they had been seeing my stress and that caused them to feel like a burden, even though it was not my intent.  By discussing our situation, it freed us all up to be more frank, to set boundaries and to know when we needed outside resources and when we did not.

Linda’s response:  I suspect those frank discussions with your Mom (and Dad) were difficult to have, yet so important and powerful in their outcome, both for your well-being and theirs. Just reading about it, imagining the conversations, brought tears to my eyes, Mary.

There were times that I did not understand some of my sister’s occasional issues, which added to my burn-out, so I contacted a group called Welcome House that my Mom helped to create in the 70’s. Welcome House provides group homes for handicapped adults and they offer training for their caregivers. They generously allowed me to sit in on some of those classes and I learned some great caregiving and coping skills from them that also eased my burn out.

Linda’s response:  Wow!  How ironic it is that your mother helped to create this group, not realizing that her other daughter would be a recipient of her benevolent efforts so many years later.

What, if anything, do you use for inspiration or motivation during the more difficult times?

I try and count my blessings and remind myself that I can’t control everything.  I was shocked into reality in June of 2004 when my 52-year young husband suffered a massive heart attack.  I can remember almost every moment of that night, the ambulance ride, my children’s faces and the E.R. doctor who told me my husband’s attack was called a widow maker and most individuals don’t make it through.  We were prepared for our lives to change drastically, but we were blessed to have some of the best surgeons in the state and they just happened to be finishing up another surgery at midnight that evening and saved my husband’s life.  That night profoundly changed me.  It was no longer my parents who were immortal, but I saw what ‘could’ have happened to my husband and I saw that the little irritating issues were no longer important.

Linda’s response:  I am so sorry your husband and family had to deal with this scary health crisis and glad it had such a happy ending!  Things like this do put things in perspective, that’s for sure.  May his good health continue for many years to come!

What is the best caregiving advice you’ve ever received?  Given?

Take care of yourself so that you can care for others.

Can you talk about what types of caregiving living choices exist where you live, which one your loved one(s) chose and why? For example, in California, there are a range of assisted living arrangements that Golden Oldies may select from if they do not move in with their family.  They range from independent living, to some assistance, to board & care homes, dementia care, and nursing homes.

There are independent living communities here that offer full independence, to some assistance and are usually attached to a full-fledged nursing home. They seem like a nice choice as individuals can move from one level to the next within the community.  I haven’t heard of any board and care homes here, but we do have a nursing home a couple of blocks from here that is a beautiful facility. One half is the nursing home and the other is the dementia facility.  We chose to build our duplex to help my folks live here as long as possible and to be here to help care for my developmentally delayed sister.

The group I spoke of above, Welcome House recently built a new home, the Michael T. George Center that is designed to serve the aging developmentally delayed population.  We were there for the groundbreaking and visited its grand opening and I wish EVERY home for the elderly could be built this way.  It is so homelike that it seems more like a resort than a nursing home.

Linda’s response:  I must admit, being focused on caring for aging parents and relatives, I never thought about the resources our country, and the world, must create for the aging developmentally delayed population as well.  Thanks for raising our awareness about this very critical arena!

Do you have any other tips or resources you would like to share with the TLeC community?

Just as our children are not born with an accompanying guidebook, neither are our aging parents.   When I was a new Mom I found great support within the La Leche League Community.  I always suggest that caregivers find those in a similar situation near them or online to get the support and ideas needed to help them along the way.    Whether caring at home or in assisted living - these issues take time during an already full time in a caregiver’s life.  With a little planning, community and tips and tricks from others we are able to move forward successfully caring for our mature family members.

Thank you for being so open and honest about your life from childhood to the present day.  I’m certain your experiences and wisdom will help other family caregivers in many, many ways!

Thank you for inviting me.  I have done many interviews, but I have never been interviewed before!

Although my boys are both in college and no longer homeschooling, I continue to do a bit of writing for Home Education Magazine.

The majority of my time is spent working with EldercareABC, Inc. It is a wonderful group that has been created by Steve and Sandy Joyce.  Steve and Sandy helped care for Steve’s folks in Ireland for ten years and Sandy’s Mom before she passed away.  Although we have never met in person, they offer a great deal of support to me as well. Their site truly is created by caregivers for caregivers.

Please write your questions and/or comments for Mary Nix in the Comment section below.

Today is my birthday and I couldn’t think of a better gift to myself than to return to blogging at TenderLovingEldercare.com.  Thank you again for all of your messages, cards, emails and letters of condolence and support over the last six weeks.  My family and I deeply appreciate them!

Am I an Orphan?

Since my mom died in May a few people have remarked that I am now an “orphan.”  I probably never would have thought about myself this way if they hadn’t mentioned it to me.

Per the Merriam-Webster.com dictionary definition of an orphan, I suppose I am one: a child deprived by death of one or usually both parents. Even though I am definitely not a child, I was always a child in my parents’ eyes, no matter how old I was.   So, technically, I could be considered an orphan, since both of my parents have died.

The Most Famous Orphan in Pop Culture

As I ruminated further on this idea, who should pop into my head?

Little Orphan Annie!

In case you live on the other side of the world, and aren’t familiar with her, here is a YouTube video from the 1982 movie musical “Annie,” so you can get acquainted:

[If you have trouble viewing this video, click here.]

First off the bat, in no way do I resemble her, in this classic portrayal!  I do not have red, curly hair.  I am not a little girl.  And while I do love to dance, I definitely can’t sing!!  (My husband says the only Singer in our house is a sewing machine! LOL)

But there are some similarities between Annie and me:  I am short :-), my middle name is spelled A-n-n-e (OK, it’s not pronounced Annie but it’s close) and I do my darnedest to keep a positive mental attitude under all circumstances.

Here are the lyrics for “Tomorrow” written by Martin Charnin (music by Charles Strouse):

The sun’ll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There’ll be sun!

Just thinkin’ about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
‘Til there’s none!

When I’m stuck with a day
That’s gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!

The sun’ll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
‘Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You’re always
A day
A way!

As I listened to the song and then read the lyrics, not only do the words resonate with me on a personal level, but all caregivers, family or professional, could use these words as a caregiving “anthem.” While acknowledging the difficulty of the day, the song gives us hope that tomorrow will be a better day, and that we “gotta hang on!”  Can’t every caregiver relate to these basic feelings?

My Questions for You

What do you think of this song becoming the Caregivers Anthem?  Is there another song that helps you get through a tough day of caregiving?

If both of your parents have died, do you think of yourself as an orphan?

Please share your thoughts below.

Now it’s off for some birthday fun and cheer with family and friends . . .

Stay tuned to TLeC for another interview with a family caregiver coming soon!

And last but not least, it feels great to be back!

Hi Dear Readers,

Just want to give you a quick update:

• I am slowly coming out of the grief fog.

• I am definitely crying less and smiling more.

• I have lots of ideas for new blog posts, but am not quite ready to sit down and write.

Please have patience with me.  I’ll return to full speed ahead sometime in June.

Thanks for all of your lovely messages of support and TLC.  I really appreciate them!

_______________________________________________

Photo Credit:  A National Acrobat’s photostream

I am very sad to tell you that my mom, Aida Brodsky, passed away on May 1, 2009.  The end was peaceful and she was surrounded by loving family.  This photo was taken on her 99th birthday — July 4th, 2008.

May her memory be for a blessing.

My college friend, Stephen Rothman, of The Social Media Soapbox, recently posted this affirmation on his Facebook status:

Come what may, as long as I have the ears to hear the last movement of Mozart’s Jupiter symphony, life will always be worth living.

When I read it, I immediately had to create my own affirmation following his lead.  Here’s mine:

Come what may, as long as I can dance, life will always be worth living.

Come what may, as long as I spend time with my soul mate Jeff, life will always be worth living.

Come what may, as long as Robbie shares his life with me as it unfolds, life will always be worth living.

Come what may, as long as I have wonderful friends to share the ride with, life will always be worth living.

OK, so I got a little carried away.

But it only takes a moment to look around and see the “positives” in our lives and the world around us.  And it’s most important to do this, yet the hardest to do, when life is difficult!  Thanks for the reminder, Steve.

Now it’s your turn to write an affirmation and perhaps inspire others to do the same.  Please share it with us in the comment section below.

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Photo Credit: .Baz’s photostream

My mom has been troubled by bedsores on and off for the past two years.  A bedsore forms, gets worse and then very s-l-o-w-l-y heals (as in taking months to completely close up). She presently has three in various sizes, places and stages of breakdown or healing.

Contrary to what most of us believe, I’ve learned bedsores do not occur as a result of neglect.  In my mom’s situation, her skin breakdown is due to the thinness and fragility of her skin, her weight (she’s only 90 lbs.) and the fact that she can no longer walk. The caregivers at her board & care are all top notch and are constantly battling any signs of skin irritation to keep new bedsores from forming.

The Current Medical Treatment

The worst bedsore is on her coccyx and the doctor ordered her to be in bed 99% of the time now.  The caregivers are vigilant about turning her from one side to the other side every two hours and changing her diaper to keep moistness away from all the sores.  She uses an alternating pressure air mattress which is always moving slightly to massage her skin.  The hospice nurse provides specialized wound care every second or third day. I know medically these are correct steps, because with the attentive wound care and the “staying in bed regime” the sore is not getting worse, and is starting to heal.  For that I am grateful.

So What’s My Dilemma?

Why is this medical treatment bothering me?

Because it is also a quality of life issue.

When she’s in bed 99% of the time, Mom misses out on the social activities that go on in the living room and kitchen of the house.  She can’t partake in musical sing-a-longs or arts & crafts sessions three times a week.  She misses mealtime conversations and visits from other residents’ families.  Even though her ability to speak, participate or interact are limited, I still believe she gets stimulation and enjoyment by being in these social situations.  Or just by viewing the changing indoor “landscape” in front of her eyes. When she’s lying in bed in her room, she’s isolated and misses out on this liveliness, except what I bring her during my visits.

If I knew the medical treatment was just for a few days or even for a few weeks, I could live with it.  But based on how long it has taken previous bedsores to heal, I see her staying in bed for months to come.

A Balancing Act

It’s a matter of balancing her medical needs and keeping her quality of life at a decent level.  It’s a balancing act that I’m not sure we’re winning.  Yes, her bedsores are healing, but at what cost?  It’s frustrating and it makes me sad.

Have you found yourself in a similar caregiving predicament?

How have you dealt with it? Let’s discuss . . .

Here are two videos from YouTube that I came across this week and just loved!

The first one is funny and stars an animal friend who is musically-inclined.

If you have trouble viewing the video above, click here.

This second one is creative and has a wonderful message!

If you have trouble viewing the video above, click here.

To everyone in the TLeC community, have a great weekend!

Exactly one year ago today, I wrote my first post containing a quote by Nehru to inspire family caregivers.

Wow, where has the time gone?!

This community has grown so much in the last year, we’ve “talked” about many topics, and I’ve enjoyed learning from all of you so much!

To mark this one year “anniversary” and because a blog is an online dialogue, I’d like you to write one of your favorite inspiring quotes, poems, song lyrics or stories in the Comment section below.**

What do you read or turn to for comfort or inspiration when you’re feeling down and need a lift?

Turnabout is fair play . . . . yes?

Thank you for sharing with me and our entire community — today and every day you take the time to read and comment my blog!  I am deeply grateful.

**If you’d like instructions on how to leave a comment, click here.